Posts Tagged ‘LAT’
LATitude by Vicki Larson
LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Relationship Work
by Vicki Larson
Reviewed by Mac Marshall
Vicki Larson, photo credit Kim Thompson Steel
LAT stands for Live Apart Together. In her welcome book about this new lifestyle, Vicki Larson notes that at least three things must occur for a relationship to be considered LAT:
- Two people agree that they are a committed romantic couple;
- Others view them as a committed romantic couple;
- They intentionally reside in separate homes.
LAT has grown in popularity in recent years, especially among divorced or widowed older adults. Many seniors find that living separately from their romantic partner provides an attractive combination: committed companionship along with personal independence.
“There are several studies indicating that living apart from your romantic partner benefits your sex life,” says Larson. “LAT couples often experience more passion, idealize their partners more, daydream about their relationship, and report more loving feelings toward their partner than couples who live together.” Larson’s own interviews revealed that compared to couples who live together, LAT couples:
- Have the same or even higher levels of commitment;
- Feel equal or greater trust for their partners;
- Have the same or higher levels of stability;
- Experience equal or more relationship satisfaction.
LAT relationships typically offer a couple equality, intimacy, stability, and more satisfying sex than if they resided under one roof. “Absence not only seems to make the heart grow fonder, it also makes the libido stronger.”
Larson lists the reasons most people state for getting married: love, “lifelong commitment, companionship, children, having the relationship be recognized by a religious ceremony, financial stability, and…legal rights and benefits.” She notes that living together is not mentioned as a reason to wed. Indeed, “all the stated reasons for marrying can be achieved while living apart from your romantic partner.” In LATitude, she presents examples of married couples who actively choose to live apart happily, often for decades.
To succeed in a LAT relationship, you must feel secure in your sexual relationship. “Ultimately, it comes down to this: Are you with someone you trust, and is that person worthy of your trust? And are you someone your partner can trust?” With or without marriage, LAT rests on mutual trust to abide by whatever agreements and boundaries a couple establish, including whether to be monogamous or consensually non-monogamous. Larson quotes a therapist who is in a longtime LAT partnership: “Before you take this step, you have to be really secure in your relationship. The commitment you need in your relationship can’t be half-assed. It takes more trust when you’re not going to see the person and you have no idea what they’re doing all day or night.”
If you are a senior intrigued by or contemplating an LAT relationship,
Larson’s book is essential reading. She also addresses financial matters, legal issues, and decisions about caregiving as aging partners require more assistance. These are especially relevant to our age group. You’ll come away from her book with a solid understanding of the pros and cons of LAT as you chart your own course.
My own experience: I am 80 years old. I had two long marriages. The first one ended in divorce and the second with my wife’s death. I have no desire to remarry. As a widower I am now in a delightful and fulfilling LAT relationship. I find it satisfying in a host of ways. My partner and I each live in our own home and see one another several times a week, including one or two “overnights.” We communicate daily. We maintain our separate friendship networks, along with friends in common. Sometimes we travel together, sometimes solo. We keep our finances separate and often treat each other to dates or trips. We schedule regular sex dates in advance. The anticipation of such planned intimacy adds to the excitement. Disadvantages to LAT? I can’t think of any!
Do you have a LAT arrangement? I invite you to comment.
Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.
Purchase LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Relationship Work from Bookshop.org. Visit Vicki Larson’s website.
LAT (Living Apart Together) for Seniors By Mac Marshall
copyright OurMindfulLife,com, used with permission.
Many of us over 60 are widowed, divorced, or maybe single our whole lives. We’ve gotten used to being independent. We’ve created a life for ourselves, with our own routines, habits, activities, and friends. We’re happy living on our own.
Then we meet someone — and ka boom!
Hearts aflutter, sex drive in high gear, intimacy is ours. We fall in love. Our closeness grows. We feel a strong commitment to each other. Our next step must be…
No, no, no! We don’t want to get married. We don’t even want to live together.
We relish our visits — especially the overnight ones! — and we equally relish the return to our own home afterwards. For many of us, the idea of marriage or even cohabitation may be unattractive, undesirable, or unworkable. Because of our personalities or our circumstances, we don’t want to mingle homes, finances, and legal obligations. Fortunately, there’s a lifestyle choice and relationship modality that describes what we want, and many of us are living that way now.
LAT is shorthand for “living apart together.” LAT is a long-term, committed, romantic connection without an intent to share a home.
LAT presents an attractive long-term relationship alternative to traditional marriage. It is a lifestyle choice—a new emergent family form, especially among older adults.
In a LAT relationship, a couple who’ve developed strong, loving feelings for one another nevertheless choose to reside separately. Usually, they get together on a regular basis, but each retains a separate abode. People in a LAT relationship treasure their times together, and they equally value their autonomy and alone time. LAT offers the separation that complements our need for togetherness. For many, it provides the best of both worlds.
Why might you, as seniors, prefer a LAT relationship over marriage or living together?
- You each maintain your own home and private space.
- You each retain and interact with your own friends and social network.
- You each keep control over your own finances.
- You each pursue activities and hobbies which may not interest the other partner.
- You rely on each other for emotional intimacy and support without being together all the time.
- You celebrate your personal autonomy concurrent with the joy of regular close companionship.
- By not cohabiting 24/7, the time you spend together is ever sweeter.
Does LAT appeal to you? Do you live that way now? Any tips for readers who are considering LAT? We welcome your comments, experiences, and questions.
