Break a Date, Make a Date

By Joan Price | November 12, 2025

I always recommend scheduling sex dates for the anticipatory arousal and because spontaneous sex doesn’t happen easily — if at all — at our age. But another part of our sexual response these days is that unless everything feels right at the time, sex doesn’t happen easily. Since we’re no longer driven by hormones, our bodies and brains need to feel relaxed and open to sexual connection and arousal. Life happens in ways we can’t predict, though, and obstacles such as these can interfere with our sexual responsiveness:

  • Our bodies hurt. Trying to push away the aches and pains in our neck, hip, or other trouble spots can interfere with relaxing and letting the pleasure in.
  • Poor sleep. If we’re exhausted physically, our bodies won’t welcome or respond to sex.
  • We’re distracted. If our brains are occupied with roaming thoughts, we won’t feel sexy.
  • We’re emotionally overwhelmed. Family struggles, waiting for a medical diagnosis, worries about paying our bills — all these contribute to anxiety, which is a barrier to good sex.
  • We don’t have enough time. Winding down together before sex, enjoying slow arousal, cuddling afterwards and basking in the afterglow are how satisfying sex works for us these days. That means planning plenty of time for our sex dates. If an appointment or other commitment is looming, we may feel time pressure instead of relaxation, and arousal won’t happen.

What to do about this? Ask your partner the day of a scheduled sex date, “Is today still good for you?” Invite honesty. Know that if today is not good for your partner for whatever reason, that isn’t a rejection of you.

The same if you’re not feeling it on a scheduled day. It’s okay to say, “Do you think we can reschedule? I want to be totally with you, and I don’t think today will work.”

Discuss in advance with your partner this concept of “break a date, make a date” and how you two will handle it in an open and loving way when it comes up. This is not a derailment of your sexual connection — it’s an enhancement of it.