I can’t tell you how many times I hear seniors say, “I wasn’t brought up to talk about sex.” Yet learning to talk about sex is the key to getting what you want — mind reading has been vastly overrated as a form of communication.
As we age, most of us find that our responses, the kind of touch that turns us on, and what we need for orgasm may change. In a long-term relationship, your partner is likely to continue doing what used to work, even if it doesn’t work for you now, unless you redirect the action — so it’s up to you to speak up. In a new relationship, a partner is likely to be curious about what you like and eager to please you, so don’t be embarrassed: talk!
Here are some tips for talking about sex:
- Decide on one thing you’d like to ask for.
- Phrase your request in a loving, non-judgmental way, without blaming your partner. Use “I” statements: “I’d love it if you’d…” or “I like to be stimulated by….” What’s your version of this statement in your own style?
- Practice stating your request and explaining what you mean. (Don’t assume it’s obvious!)
- Plan a time to talk about sex while you’re not having sex, especially if this is a hard conversation for you or your partner. Choose a neutral place and time, not in bed or naked.
- Ask as well as tell. After you’ve discussed your request, don’t stop there. Ask your partner, “What would you like to do/try/change?” Really listen. Show that you understand what you heard.
- Decide on an action plan. For example, “The next time we get sexual, let’s try this….”
- Check in with each other frequently. Plan to have this conversation regularly.
How will you use this “Use Your Words” advice to enhance your sexual pleasure? What words will you use? Let’s practice talking about sex! (For more help with this, I cover this topic as part of my webinar, 12 Steps for Sexy Aging — Starting Now.