Posts by Joan Price
Men & Women Talk about Sex and Aging
Good Vibrations in Berkeley was alive last night with the voices of women and men sharing their sexual feelings and experiences at my “Ask Me, I’ll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging” workshop.Thank you, participants, for your candor and respectful acceptance of what everyone else had to say. I hope you left the workshop as I did — flying high on the excitement of the evening and filled with the ideas you shared with me and each other.
Two hours flew by much too quickly, and the #1 complaint was “not enough time!” So let’s keep talking! Here are a few of the questions we discussed, including those that you asked, but we ran out of time before discussing. Go ahead and post a comment with your thoughts, and we’ll keep the discussion going.
Questions for the men:
– What do you fantasize about, and how do you like to incorporate fantasy into your sex life?
– Why don’t many men find women sexy as they get older, and how can older women become more desirable?
– How do you experience your sexuality and sexual response as you get older?
– What are your fears about aging and sex?
Questions for the women:
– How can men establish sexual communication (e.g. talking about foreplay, oral sex, anal sex)?
– What can men do to help women keep lubrication?
– What should men know about women in order to turn them on sexually and maintain sexual arousal?
– What are your fears about aging and sex?
We’ll be repeating this workshop in Sebastopol this fall and at Good Vibrations this winter. (If you would like me to bring this workshop to your location, please email me and let’s talk.)
Some comments about Joan’s workshop from participants:
“Thank you for your candor and expertise” (Lisa, 55)
“A great candid comparison of people of similar interests and concerns” (David, 66)
“Love to hear the open discussion” (Judy, 62)
“The group exercises were excellent” (Steve, 45)
“I found this group to be especially open and intellectual and positive. You have a great deal to share that will improve many lives.” (Fay, 66)
“You should be on Oprah!” (Anne, 50)
[Photo by Constance Cavallas, published with permission]
60+ Singles Searching
pds62 said…
I just found your site today and have only had a chance to read a portion of all the information on it. My question to you is this: if on-line dating has proven unsatisfactory, what are some other ways to meet men over the age of 60 who are looking to get back in the “dating world”?
That’s such an important topic, pds62 — thank you for offering it.
I wouldn’t say that online dating doesn’t work — several of the women who share their experiences in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty tell how they found their soulmates that way, and others say they at least found a temporary partner, an appealing fling, or a good friend. I’ve noticed a bunch of new books out specifically on online dating — I hope our readers will let us know if some are really helpful.
The problem with online dating is that (a) you have to email a lot of frogs before you kiss your prince or princess and (b) most people lie in their profiles and emails, or at least try to make themselves appear more desirable (physically, socially, emotionally, and/or financially) than they are.
So it’s up to you to be prepared for lots of emails, lots of phone conversations, lots of disappointing first dates. But he’s out there, somewhere, and he’s looking for you, too! Give yourself every chance to be where he might look.
My first recommendation for finding a compatible potential partner, though, is to get out there and fill your social life with activities you love. I met Robert in my own contemporary line dancing class! Do you like to dance? There are dance venues galore, including lessons and mixers. Do you like to hike? There are many outdoor-oriented groups, some aimed at singles specifically. Would you rather read? Look at your local bookstore’s author event calendar — and don’t be shy about approaching the unaccompanied men in the audience who are as interested in that author as you are.
I welcome suggestions from my readers!
For a hilarious look at dating after 50, I recommend Rescue Me, He’s Wearing a Moose Hat (And 40 Other Dates After 50) by Sherry Halperin (Seal Press, 2005). As I read the book I kept laughing hysterically at her witty descriptions of her doomed dates — a great read.
Thanks again for the topic, pds62!
— Joan
Does Her Past Sex Life Matter?
Don, age 73, who read Better Than I Ever Expected, wrote this email:
A question for Robert Rice. I need your help. Like you I have re-entered the world of two people in the same house after 5 years of no one, and like your Lady, my Lady has had a very active sex life in the period before our meeting. The question is this…how do you deal with that? Do you think about the other men that were before you? I understand that at our age it shouldn’t be an issue but I find myself wondering how I “stack up” to the others. I don’t want to ask, I feel that would be crossing the line. Should I just accept the fact that we are together and that’s the end of it? Tell me how you deal with it… and thank you !
Robert replies to Don:
Don, in response to the question that you asked me, I understand where you’re coming from. I used to worry about this myself. I am fortunate to have someone who assures me that I am the one she loves. This assurance comes in many ways, and sometimes it’s up to me to see and recognize it. This gives me great freedom to let go of worrying about what has happened before.
Since we learn from all our previous sexual experiences what we want and like, and what we don’t, this sexual learning necessarily includes all past lovers. A couple of Joan’s past lovers are now our mutual friends, and both of us get along well with the other’s ex-spouse.
The question whether we measure up to other guys who have had sex with our partner and question whether we are good enough, or big enough, etc., I am told — and believe — it’s much more a male concern than female. In any case, I have come to believe that authentic expression of love and the ability to be playful and experimental seem to be the most reliable ingredients for successful sex, rather than focusing on measuring up (which can only be unknown anyway).
It seems to me that you answered your own question in your last statement about accepting the fact that you are together. That says a lot! It sounds like you’re on the right track!
I hope this helps with your concern.
Joan replies to Don:
When I fell in love with Robert, it didn’t matter to me whom I had bedded before and what I had experienced with anyone else. All that surfaced in my mind was how powerful my bond was with this man I loved. Remember our primary sex organ is our brain. For me, my previous experience was a good thing, because I was done with needing to experiment, and I knew whom/what I wanted, sexually and emotionally. I’ll bet your special lady would tell you the same.
Have other readers dealt with this situation? What do you think about Don’s question? I invite you to comment.
— Joan
What’s in this book?
When I order a book, sometimes I feel that I’m taking a chance, because I don’t really know what’s in it–even with the editorial description, reviews, and sometimes an excerpt. I’d like to make this easier for you by posting a description of each chapter of Better Than I Ever Expected : Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty. (These chapter descriptions are also available on my website)
Let me know if this helps you make your decision — and remember you can purchase a book autographed by the author here.
Chapter Descriptions:
Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty by Joan Price
1. Tale of a Book: How This Book Came to Be. The history of this book, starting with the author, age sixty-one, affirming that she is having the best sex of her life. The surprises of sisterhood rediscovered, as women respond to her request: “Wanted: Interviews with sassy, sexy women, age 60+, who are willing to share feelings and experiences openly and anonymously in a candid, woman-to-woman book.” The discovery that women want to talk about the most intimate details of their sex lives, present and past.
2. Sex in the Golden Age. What makes sex after sixty the best sex of our lives? Great sex isn’t just about body parts. Wisdom, connection, logistics, time, intimacy, a sense of humor, ease of communication, resilience of body and spirit, no kids barging in—who needs youth? Sexually seasoned women speak about what makes sex better than they ever expected. Includes Boo Hiss Department: media messages that present older sex as unseemly, pathetic, and altogether icky.
3. My Sex Education. How and what we learned about sex in the fifties. Jaunty account of author’s early sex education: early misinformation, discovering love and sex (but not orgasm) with first boyfriend, and greatest teenage nightmare: getting caught. Includes reflections of first boyfriend as he remembers the experience and relationship. Sexually seasoned women speak about early sex ed and their experiences.
4. The Bodies We Live In. Learning to accept and celebrate our bodies’ changes. Topics include Body Image, Facing Our Faces, and What Color is My Hair? Author’s fiancé gives a male viewpoint on the attractiveness of wrinkles and wisdom. Includes author’s story of near-fatal automobile accident and reclaiming her body and her sexuality. Sexually seasoned women speak about their bodies and what they love about them.
5. It Ain’t Easy After Menopause. A lively look at the challenges of post-menopausal bodies and having zesty sex in spite of them. Topics include Hormone Hubbub, Hot Flash Flashbacks, and the author’s trials, alternatives, and personal solutions. Sexually seasoned women speak about HRT and alternatives. Expert tips: Painful intercourse problem-solving.
6. Fitness and Exercise: Our Bodies, Ourselves, Our Sex Lives. Fitness isn’t body weight or shape—it’s regular physical activity to rev up energy, self-image, and sexy feelings. Tips from the author, a fitness professional, about how exercise enhances sex, with specific exercises that enhance horizontal workouts. Sexually seasoned women speak about exercise routines that make them feel sexy.
7. Public Sex Acts and Private Preparations. Sex starts long before we get naked. What we do in public, in private, and with or without our partners to heat up in advance. Ways to be intimate outside of bed. Sexually seasoned women speak about what gets them in a sexy mood. Includes a couple of group sex adventures, to keep the chapter title honest.
8. Beds Afire: Stoking The Slower-Burning Flame. Sexual arousal after sixty is a slow burn rather than an instant flame. Adjusting to slow arousal with understanding, communication, acceptance, and sexy rituals. Topics include Kiss Me Forever, Foreplay: We Need a New Word, Lube Power, and My Brain Chemicals Made Me Do It. Sexually seasoned women describe what turns them on.
9. Plug In, Turn On: The Quick Version of Everything You Need to Know about Sex Toys. Women with decreased sexual sensation can fly high again, thanks to sex toys. Author’s frank, personal vibrator history, including involving her fiancé. Expert tips: Your First Vibrator: the Possibilities of Pleasure and Tips for Toys: A Guide for Women of a Certain Age. Sexually seasoned women speak about using sex toys.
10. Staying Sexy without a Partner. Author’s story of partner-less years, overcoming desperate attitude. How to feel sexy, attractive, and satisfied without a relationship. Includes Solo Self-Pleasure: Being Your Own Best Sex Partner and expert tips for toning, lubrication, and massage for genital health. Sexually seasoned women speak about how they stay sexy and happy without a partner.
11. Hunting Grounds: In The Dating Game Again (or Still). Author’s story of social dry spells, finally meeting the love of her life at her line dancing class. Challenges of being in the dating scene after sixty. Two stories of women who found love on the Internet and another who’s still looking. Includes Around the Block: Erotic Adventures of Single Sexually Seasoned Women.
12. Done It All—Ready to Nest. Sexual experimentation, multiple partners, sex with strangers—many of us tried it all, and now are happily settled down with one partner, or want to be. Sexually seasoned women speak about their wild, past sex lives, and compare early excesses with the contentment of a stable, monogamous relationship.
13. Late Bloomers—Ready to Fly. Women who married early and opened up sexually later report that they’re enjoying the wildest, most satisfying sex of their lives right now. Stories your grandmother didn’t tell you: surprising, real-life tales of finding sexual fulfillment after sixty in unconventional relationships, including one woman, age seventy-seven, in a relationship with a man thirty years younger.
14. Sparking a Familiar Fire: How to Spice Up a Long-Term Relationship. Satisfied women in healthy, loving, decades-long relationships describe how they keep the sparks flying with long-term partners and make sex sizzle, not fizzle. Spicy activities and fantasies that keep the fires burning. Expert tips: Keeping a Long-Term Relationship Fresh and Sexually Hot.
15. When You or Your Partner Can’t. Ways to enjoy sex (and life!) despite erectile dysfunction and other health challenges of aging that affect sex, including upbeat tale from man with ED about his enjoyment of pleasuring his partner, and a lusty elder couple overcoming a myriad of medical obstacles. Sexually seasoned women speak about how they cope with their partners’ physical challenges and their own.
Appendix A: When and How a Physician or Therapist Can Help. Not having the best sex of your life? How to talk to your doctor about your sex life, and when to see a sex therapist. Expert tips from Tina Tessina, relationship therapist.
Appendix B: Resources
– Directory of women-friendly sex shops, both brick-and-mortar and online
– Recommended books Appendix C. Interview Questions
The questions answered by our sassy, sexually seasoned women.