Posts by Joan Price
Doctors, Talk to Us about Our Sex Lives!
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4/3/16: I’m bringing this 2014 post to the top because I’m giving a talk to doctors and other medical professionals tomorrow in Milwaukee. I want these comments from my readers to be easy to find if they read my blog after that — which I hope they will!
About half of all sexually active men and women aged 57-85 in the United States report at least one bothersome sexual problem; one third report at least two. Yet only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women reported having discussed sex with a physician since the age of 50 years.
Why does this information barrier exist? And what can you, as professionals, do to overcome it with your patients and clients?
These are the questions I posed to the attendees at the beginning of “Talking about Senior Sex:
A Presentation for Medical Professionals, Therapists, and Others Working Professionally with the Older-Age Population,” which I presented at The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis on June 19, 2014.
I was so jazzed by the responses during that workshop that I wanted to continue the discussion, so I took it to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I invite you to read and “like”).
Our community jumped in eagerly with their comments and experiences. Here are some of those:
- It would suffice if they just asked. I think they are 1) embarrassed, and 2) afraid that a nestful of psychological tangles would emerge, which would take a lot of their time. As a doctor, you would have to believe that relationships, beliefs, and habits contributed to illness, and I think most of them are just looking for a set of symptoms. The mind-body connection is far from their thoughts.
- It may be difficult for physicians to broach topics on sex because of their lack of education on sexual matters – not just with senior sexuality. Often such topics are delegated to nurse specialists or physician assistants. There are also shades of sexuality beyond the range of physiology, endocrinology, anatomy, and other hard sciences that are beyond the scope of topics covered in med school and continuing medical education. We need to take charge and help drag medical providers along with us on this topic.
- Sex over 55 is often challenging if your parts are in perfect working order, but if they are not, then it’s an entirely different ball game. As someone who has lived with a sexual challenge for 20 years (and who is now 67), I found, in the beginning that it was helpful to write a letter to the doctor prior to the appointment – an ice-breaker. Now, however, after such a long-term medical problem, I am really very open with all the doctors I see and they either handle it or they don’t – they can choose!
- We live in a culture that allows only a few sexual subjects to be discussed and those in limited ways. Having lived a lifetime hiding or being ashamed of our sexual natures, it can be a huge challenge to just start talking about “it” when we reach those years. The mechanics of sex may be easier to discuss than unmet needs and innate desires. It is a gift to be sexually sovereign in our culture.
- In my case, no doctor ever broached the subject. I was always the initiator. After 12 years of fertility work, four ectopic pregnancies, numerous spontaneous abortions and nerve damage resulting from a rape, surgeries and malpractice (they refused to remove the infamous Dalkon Shield IUD after the rape and subsequent STD infection), it’s not a stretch to understand why I had a damaged libido. Only with recent help from two amazing physicians, with whom I can discuss anything, have I begun to find help! Finding this and other groups online has also been salvation of yet another kind. Thanks for opening so many doors to those of us who have foundered for so long!
- Actually, it was through conversations with my nurse practitioner that my road to sexual freedom opened up. Also through my wonderful husband’s patience, and Joan’s book, Naked at Our Age. There is a taboo about sex at a certain age, but for us it has just been renewed!
- Particularly as sex and disability is also a taboo subject and many people will have genital dermatoses and that will make it even harder for them to open up to anyone. I am 67 and despite lichen sclerosis, I remain sexually active.
- The doctor needs to be calm, confident and comfortable with the subject. If the doctor is squirmy and clearly uncomfortable, it won’t help the patient to open up. Speaking for myself, if I’m a little squirmy and hesitant, I’d appreciate it if the doctor would give me the time and space to squirm a little and build up my courage. I had that experience with a doctor; he asked what was clearly a scripted question, I hemmed and hawed a little struggling to express an answer. Since the answer wasn’t immediately forthcoming he just jumped right to the next question. I got the distinct feeling he really didn’t want to hear it, so the subject was dropped. On the other hand, a doctor might ask a question and get a very forthright answer they weren’t expecting. They better be ready for that too; no eyes bugging out, no jaw dropping, no flinching. They might need to develop the ‘warm positive regard’ thing that therapists are taught.
- I’m 73, have an older woman doctor trained in Europe who brought the subject up in the course of an annual physical, and was quite matter of fact about it, made me quite comfortable discussing the subject, and referred me to an endo.
- I’m not your target age group but my nurse practitioner at Kaiser simply asked if I was happy with my sex life and, after I affirmed that I was, proceeded to tell me that orgasm was good for my vaginal health (not to mention my psyche) and encouraged me to take charge of my pleasure because it would help make perimenopause easier to take, keep my bladder where it belongs and generally support my wellbeing. Hell yeah -this I knew – but what was even better was that she made it clear that she was there to help. My sexual health was not some secondary aspect. It was a full-fledged piece of my gynecological workup. To which I say – well done!
- I’d like to see it simply become a matter of routine during all regular check ups, or anytime the visit is for more than a sniffle really, as well as anytime mental health/ relationships are discussed. We need to be in the habit of treating the whole person, not just fixing bits and pieces and mending boo-boos.
I hope you’ll continue this important conversation by commenting here. (And if you’d like me to bring this presentation to your organization, please contact me.)
Let’s Talk Louder about Senior Sex
I’ve been writing and speaking about sexual issues for aging adults for 11 years now. Since 2005, I’ve made it my mission to advocate for and educate about older-age sexuality.
At first, my message was simply this: “Yes, we’re having sex after 60 and beyond, and it can be the best sex ever.”
Then, after many responses and questions from my readers and the media, my message focused on this: “Yes, aging can bring changes that interfere with having good sex in the ways we used to, but for every problem, there is a solution, and here are the facts and tips that will help you enrich your sex life.”
Despite the growing acceptance of older-age sexuality these days, I still find that huge numbers of people who can use this information are not being reached. So many of you don’t know that there are solutions to the problems that aging brings. My email and workshop audiences and private conversations are filled with sentiments like these:
- You don’t talk to your doctors about sexual problems that may have medical causes — or if you do, your doctors don’t have good sexual information either, and they’re reluctant to talk about sexual issues.
- I hear from single people, “I don’t have a partner, so I don’t have sex,” not realizing how important solo sex is for sexual health, general physical health, and emotional well-being if you’re unpartnered.
- I hear from partnered people, “We can’t have sex the way we used to, so we’ve pretty much given up,” not realizing that sexual expression does not have to mean intercourse or anything else that it used to be.
- Often you tell me that you’ve given up on sexual pleasure and sexual expression — and this tears my heart.
I implore you to talk out loud about your sexual issues, learn the facts about sex and aging (my books are good resources), and seek out professionals in your community who have made it their business to educate themselves about senior sex.
If you’re working in a sex education or health field, update yourself with the latest knowledge about sex and aging, and reach out to seniors who may not be seeking you out. Make sure that you welcome my age group and have resources for us.
Readers: what resources would you like to see available or more easily available about older-age sexuality? Have you had experiences trying to locate resources and not finding them? I invite you to join the conversation. You can submit a comment under any first name (it doesn’t have to be your real one), and please include your real age. (Email me with the subject header “blog comment” if you have trouble posting your comment, and I’ll post it for you.)
I look forward to hearing from you.
Seniors: How (and what) is your sex life?
It occurs to me that after 11 years of talking out loud (shouting, insisting, cajoling, writing) about senior sex, the questions that interviewers ask me have become quite intelligent and open-minded.
When I first started this work, interviewers would ask elementary questions (e.g. “Is it true that seniors are having sex?”) and would often place a value judgement on what they heard (e.g. “Yeah, but eeuuww, the idea of my parents/grandparents having sex…!”)
But now, however young the interviewer is, there’s an open attitude, a nonjudgmental striving to understand. It’s not such an odd idea anymore that we aren’t retiring our genitals at some arbitrary age. This is progress! Or am I just lucky enough to be interviewed by smarter, more sex-positive interviewers?
One topic that interviewers find endlessly fascinating is that we’re not settling into old age passively or predictably. Many of us decide that it’s time to go after what we want, whether or not it’s what we used to want or ever thought we’d want.
I wrote about this in the “Stretching Boundaries” chapter of The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, and many of you contributed your experiences in the “Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships” in Naked at Our Age. I’m often asked, “What percentage of seniors are into kink?” or “Are many seniors polyamorous?” or “Are most seniors happier with their sex lives than they were when they were young?” I sometimes answer, “I don’t collect statistics — I collect stories.”
Yes, some studies have been done, but more often than not, research and surveys either overlook our generation entirely or only study straight relationships and define sex as heterosexual intercourse, which is just one form of sexual expression. I don’t think that our generation is being asked the right questions about what we do, what we want, and how we feel about it.
So I’m opening this up to you: If you’re over 50 (lots older is fine!) and you find that your ideas have changed about what you want your sex life to be, please feel free to comment with your views and especially how those views have changed in recent years. Please give yourself a first name (doesn’t have to be real) instead of “Anonymous” and include your real age. (If you have any trouble posting a comment, email me with the subject line “blog comment: how and what” and include what you want to say, what name you want to use, and your age, and I’ll post it for you.)
I started this discussion on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, which I hope you’ll read, “like,” and share. Thanks!
Learn more about my most recent book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50. Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.
Sybian Update: New Silicone Attachments!
Sybian goes silicone! The wonderful folks at Sybian have been tirelessly working on how they can increase our pleasure and our orgasms, and use body-safe, easy-to-clean silicone. They’ve just created two beautiful silicone attachments that are rocking my world.If you’re saying, “What’s a Sybian?” please read my original review first. Then return here to learn what’s new.
If your preference is vibration to your clitoris and vulva without penetration, the unique design of the Orb is my dream vibrator. It consists of an orb (hence the name) at the top of a ramp-like structure, and all of it vibrates powerfully.
This is perfect for those of us who like stimulation to a large area — not just the clitoral glans, but the whole vulva. It can be used in several ways, depending on how you position yourself and it:
1. You can press the ramp part against your labia with the orb at your clitoris.
2. Turning the Sybian around, you can press the orb against your vaginal opening and the ramp slides over your labia and clitoris. You may find it challenging to get into position if you’re straddling the Sybian for this position — see the alternative “Recline and Tilt” described below.
3. If you just want the orb against your clitoris, you can turn it around so that the ramp doesn’t contact anything — you just feel the orb part.
Experiment — there’s no way to use it “wrong.”
If you like penetration and you prefer a slender width, the G-Wave stimulates your G-spot with a smooth bulb that’s only 1.27″ in diameter, atop a stem that’s even more slender: 1.1″ in diameter. Sybian really listened to me when I told them that many of us in our later years prefer — even require — a slender toy for penetration.
Because the penetrating part rotates rather than thrusts, it can feel much fuller than the measurements indicate, depending on how high you dial the rotation. Slick the G-Wave with lubricant, and it inserts smoothly and gently or strongly (your choice) rotates in your vagina, stimulating your G-spot. It doesn’t feel like a penis — it feels more like a lover inserting a couple of well-placed fingers and moving them around. Delicious.
The “wave” part (see the wavy lines?) rests against your labia and clitoris and vibrates you to paradise. I like the width of the wave section — it vibrates against your whole vulva. The vibration control is separate from the rotation, so you can dial it to vibrate to any intensity from light to rumbly strong to I-can’t-believe-I’m-experiencing-this — you’ll decide what your limit is.
Suggestion: Start with a low vibration and no rotation. As you become aroused, dial up the vibration a little at a time, and add the rotation if you like it.
If you look up other reviews of the Sybian, especially the videos on YouTube, you’ll think that the only way to use this phenomenal sex machine is by mounting it. You can do that — either on your knees (yeah, like we can get on these old knees at our age?) or with the Sybian on a platform and your feet on the floor. However, there’s a much easier and more comfortable way to use it. I’ve nicknamed it “Recline and Tilt.”
As I suggested in my earlier review of the Sybian:
If straddling is uncomfortable for your hips, or if you can’t relax that way, you can lie down on your bed with the Sybian between your legs on its power-cord end. Then tilt it forward so that the attachment contacts your genitals without putting weight on you. It’s fine to use it this way — it won’t harm the Sybian or you.
Once I discovered how well that position works, I never went back to mounting my Sybian. Both of these new attachments are particularly fabulous if you’re reclining, relaxed, and tilting the Sybian onto you or into you.
If you already own a Sybian, these attachments will add tremendously to your pleasure. If you don’t already own a Sybian, Bunny Lampert, daughter of the inventor, is offering my readers a $75 discount with the code “JOAN75“!
Order the Orb, the G-Wave, or both attachments here. Learn more about the Sybian here.
Bonus: These silicone attachments also come with pretty, satin storage bags.