The Joy of Writing about Older Sex (Old Age Sex), guest post by Stella Fosse
Many assume that erotic writers are young people who write about young characters, but more and more people over 60 are discovering the joy of erotic writing and “old age sex”.
Why? When we write sexy stories, we recapture peak moments in our lives. We can conjure all kinds of sensory details that make the story vivid. Or we can imagine an encounter we never had and bring it to life as a fictional story. We realize our desires in a safe space. Anything is possible on the page!
Erotic writing reminds us that we are sexy at every age. As we play with words, we push back on social assumptions about older people and sex. The very act of creating a story is sexy.
Reading erotica created by others our age is also fun, and a great inspiration for old age sex. Some examples I love:
- Dorothy Freed published her sexual memoir, Perfect Strangers, at age 75.
- Joan Price edited a collection called Ageless Erotica, featuring writers Dorothy’s age and older.
- Free Fall by Rae Padilla Francoeur is a fabulously well written erotic memoir with an older heroine.
You’ll find more examples on my website, www.stellafosse.com. These books are enjoyable, and you can even use favorite sentences from their stories as writing prompts for yours.
If you experiment with erotic writing — and please do! — it is important to keep a playful and relaxed attitude about what you write. Even for longtime authors, first drafts are just a place to try things out. So pat yourself on the back for being brave, and write without judging.
Now let’s give it a try!
Recall an especially sexy experience in your life. It could have happened yesterday or twenty years ago. Remember it with all your senses:
- What was the other person’s aroma?
- How did it feel to touch them and for them to touch you?
- What did you say to one another, and what other sounds did you make?
- What did you especially love about the other person’s appearance?
- What about the circumstances: What was going on in your lives that made this moment memorable?
On your first writing day, take just ten minutes and begin to write what you remember. If some aspect of the experience eludes you, feel free to make it up as you go.
The next day, write for ten more minutes about that experience. If you keep writing for ten minutes each day, soon you will have a complete draft of an erotic story that you can look back upon and savor.
I hope you will try writing erotica, and that it brings you much joy.
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– Stella Fosse is an erotica writer, the author of Aphrodite’s Pen: The Power of Writing Erotica after Midlife, and a late bloomer whose erotic life blossomed in her late 50s. Access a free story writing course from Stella here.
The Vagina Bible by Jen Gunter: book review
The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina—separating the Myth from the Medicine by gynecologist Jennifer Gunter is a lively, educational guide separating information from misinformation, presented in a clear, smart, sassy style.
“There’s a lot of money in vaginal shame,” writes Jen Gunter. She is known as the clever and outspoken OB/GYN on Twitter (@DrJenGunter—follow her!) who challenges celebrities and companies trying to sell us unneeded (and sometimes harmful) solutions for invented problems. She rips their claims and substitutes solid facts. All of this book is educational, revealing, and empowering. Examples:
- “[T]he other problem with doctors not asking about sex is women who have medical conditions that interfere with their sex life, typically conditions that cause pain with sex, end up minimized. Many women suffer for years not realizing they have a medical problem that has a diagnosis and treatment.”
- “It is hard to overestimate the damage done by Sigmund Freud in popularizing the myth of the vaginal orgasm. Only one third of women are capable of achieving orgasm with penile penetration alone…so the idea that everyone should be having orgasms this way results in two thirds of women believing there is something wrong with their sexual wiring when really they are perfect. Not orgasming with unassisted penile penetration is not a flaw, it’s a feature.”
- “MRI studies looking at anatomy during heterosexual sex reveal that the clitoris can be compressed by the penis, which is why some women can orgasm with penile penetration.”
- “Vulvar cleansing has never been studied. That is interesting, considering the array of products that claim to be gynecologist tested or approved…Some of these washes make claims they can reduce bacterial vaginosis (BV). They can’t. An external wash cannot possibly impact the inside of the vagina, and washing internally with one of these products (some women do that—please don’t) could definitely increase your risk of BV by killing good bacteria or irritating the vaginal mucosa.”
Parts of The Vagina Bible are so hilarious that you’ll want—as I did—to read them aloud to a companion:
- “Almost every woman has been told at least once…to wear white cotton underwear as a medical recommendation to prevent yeast infections and other vaginal mayhem. This makes it sound as if vaginas and vulvas are accidents waiting to happen. The vulva can handle urine, feces, and blood, and vaginas can handle blood, ejaculate, and a baby, so this idea that a black lace thong is the harbinger to a vaginal or vulvar apocalypse is absurd.”
- “I have read about plastic surgeons who do labiaplasty [surgical reduction of the labia minora] so women can look ‘sleeker in so-called athleisure wear.’ I know some people call this look ‘camel toe,’ but I prefer ‘labial cleavage,’ and the answer is not surgery—it is better-fitting athletic wear.”
- “I’ve stared at more male butt cracks (gluteal clefts) than I care to remember…What I never hear is that men should seek out plastic surgeons to get their gluteal clefts sewn shut. I also can’t imagine a similar industry for men that profits from surgically trimming penises so they look better in tight jeans.”
The second half of this book is a serious, comprehensive, scientific resource about infections, conditions, symptoms, and treatments. Dr. Gunter has been treating vulvar and vaginal diseases for nearly 30 years. If you have discomfort, pain, or other symptoms that might be a medical issue, read the relevant chapters of this book, then, armed with this information, take it to your doctor.
This guidebook to the care and functioning of the vulva and vagina by cheeky gynecologist Jen Gunter should be on your bookshelf. Thank you, Dr. Gunter, for this much-needed resource: The Vagina Bible.
Do you have an Advance Directive for Sexual Rights?
This important topic comes up so often when I speak or give interviews that I’m republishing this post from Oct. 2017. Please comment!
When do we lose the right to sexual expression? If we’re lucky enough to be active and independent now, we’re smart enough to realize that a time may come that we no longer can live on our own. What will you want for yourself? For your loved ones? How can you make sure that your wishes are respected?
Take some time to think about these ideas and questions:
- When do we lose the right to sexual expression?
- Does our right to sexual expression end if/when we can no longer live independently? If so, why?
- Who determines whether we can still express ourselves sexually, and by what guidelines do they make that decision?
- Do elders with dementia have the right to sexual expression? Who decides that, and on what basis?
- If staff members have a different personal belief about what’s appropriate sexual behavior (or non-behavior), do their values override our own?
- If family members are uncomfortable with us having a sexual relationship, should their wishes supersede ours?
Personally, I want the right to decide when and how I want to be touched sexually — whether by my own hand, a partner I’ve chosen, or a sex toy that they’d better not pry out of my arthritic hands — for the rest of my life. Don’t you?
If I end up living in a care facility, I imagine I won’t submit to rules easily, unless they are as progressive as the Hebrew Home at Riverdale (NY), which has had a sexual rights policy since 1995, and updates it periodically. Until other homes catch up, it’s up to us to make our wishes clear.
Have you written your Advance Directive for Sexual Rights? Here’s mine:
- Make sure I have an outlet and batteries to keep my sex toys in working order.
- Do not interfere with any warm connection I may be enjoying with any companion I choose, in any way I choose to express that connection.
- If I’m involved with a sexual partner, make sure I have easy access to safer sex protection.
- When I close the door—whether I’m alone or with another person—give me privacy.
- If I’m still capable of sharing information about senior sexuality with residents and or staff, provide me with opportunities to do that.
What are yours?
[Excerpted from The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life by Joan Price]
Let Freedom Ring: The Joy and Novelty of No-Risk, Anonymous Sex by Lynn Brown Rosenberg
Lynn Brown Rosenberg, age 76, writes about a safe way to have anonymous sex with strangers — in online chat rooms:
I had gone 12 years without sex, and I didn’t want to live that way anymore.
I changed psychological medications and that made a difference right away. But I also realized I had been repressed sexually for decades. That began to crystallize when I told my urologist I hadn’t had an orgasm in many years. She suggested I get some porn and a vibrator. I did exactly that!
Although reluctant at first to discuss my sex life, or the lack thereof, with my therapist, I began to relax after he reassured me, “Don’t worry, I’ve heard it all.” I learned from him about porn you can watch in the Internet.
I watched some pretty interesting stuff and became especially intrigued with one video where the woman talked to the man, telling him what she was going to do to him and asking him if he liked it. She stroked him as she talked, and this was all he needed have an explosive orgasm. This aroused me — it was sexy, safe, and the kind of part-way point I needed to get back to sex.
During another session, I told my doctor I missed having no one in my life to talk to about my sexual desires. He told me about sex chat websites like BeNaughty.com and Flirthut.com. What?! There was no way I was going to talk sex with strangers. And besides, what in the world would I say?
And then I remembered the woman who talked and brought the man to ecstasy. I went back to that video and wrote down word-for-word what she said. Having the words pushed aside my unease. Sure, I was nervous, but willing to give it a try.
There’s not a lot of chit chat on these sex chat sites. The goal is arousing each other to orgasm. After introducing yourselves, you get right into it.
“Are you horny?” I asked.
“Yes.”
The conversation that followed was raw. Graphic. Forbidden. Exciting. I was on an exhilarating ride. After escalating the dirty talk, he came hard, and thanked me profusely. Should I be thanked for such a thing?
Through this and future chats, I felt my sexuality was validated. In fact, I wanted to explore the dynamics of my sexuality even further. How far could I take this? How far was I willing to take this?
Sometimes I wasn’t the only one fantasizing. I titled this “Ben’s Fantasy” in my book. An instant message (IM) from a fellow I had chatted with made me light up. His message read: “I was fantasizing about you today.”
“Really?” I wrote. “What was your fantasy?”
“I was daydreaming that you invited me back to your apartment. You offered me a glass of wine. After we had some wine, you led me to your bed. We began to kiss and you unzipped my jeans.”
I pictured him in low-riders, shirt off, revealing a sculpted chest.
“Go on.”
He described an entire fantasy scenario, while I just listened and encouraged him with words like “And then?”
Afterwards, he told me, “Since you gave me pleasure, I’d like to give you some.” But what he had in mind was meeting in person for sex, and that set off brightly flashing warning lights. “I don’t think so,” I told him.
“Why not?” he asked.
I explained my reservations, that it seemed unseemly, which didn’t make all that much sense since I was having an erotic chat with him, a virtual stranger. But that’s how I felt at the time. And I’d have to confess my real age, not an insignificant detail. I was a lot older than I had represented. I figured since I would never meet any of the men, what difference did it make?
You don’t have to use your real name on these chats, or you can use your first name only. You can have steamy, no-holds-barred naughty chats with a variety of people. To be assured of your safety, I recommend not meeting anyone in person. I confess I broke my own rules a couple of times, but that’s still my recommendation. If you want the joy and novelty of anonymous sex without risk, keep your chats to the net.
I looked at internet sex as a “filler fantasy” until I found the real thing. It was exhilarating and fun. And it allows you sexual joy on your terms.
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Lynn Brown Rosenberg
is the author of a memoir, My Sexual Awakening at 70. She has written articles for SALON, The Sunday Times of London, the Los Angeles Jewish Journal, and others. She will be reading excerpts from her memoir at Barnes & Noble, 6326 E. Pacific Coast Highway, Long Beach 90803, on Sunday, August 18, 2019, 12:00 noon.