“How we write about love depends on how old we are”
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| Brian Rea for The New York Times |
“How we write about love depends on how old we are,” observes Daniel Jones in his Modern Love column in The New York Times, Feb. 5, 2015. He explains:
The young overwhelmingly write with a mixture of anxiety and hope. Their stories ask: What is it going to be for me?
Those in midlife are more often driven to their keyboards by feelings of malaise and disillusionment. Their stories ask: Is this really what it is for me?
And older people almost always write from a place of appreciation, regardless of how difficult things may be. Their message: All things considered, I feel pretty lucky.
This last point hit home with me. As a sex educator, I hear people’s problems all the time. But I also hear the good parts — the humor and joy and sweetness of what happens when we love at our age. Those of us who are lucky enough to have found love at this time of our lives are radiant with joy telling our love stories — even if that joy is tempered with the sadness of loss.
I know I feel that way. On this Valentine’s Day, I’m remembering how my dear Robert made Feb. 14 a true celebration of love for seven years with gifts, cards, whispered endearments, languid lovemaking, and lots of laughter.
As sad as I am that I will never hold Robert again on Valentine’s Day or any other day, that feeling has nowhere near the power of the joy I feel that this love was in my life. It feels like a miracle that we ever found each at all, let alone so late in life.
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| Joan and Robert 2001 |
What if he had never wandered into my line dance class that eventful night? We might never have met, never have crossed paths.
What if I hadn’t been assertive (aggressive?) about making the first moves? He was content to see me as his dance teacher (which in itself is bizarre, since he had formal training as a dancer since the age of two, and I had no formal training at all), and he thought that was an uncrossable boundary.
What if I hadn’t dared to proposition him? (You didn’t know that part of our story? Read it in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty!)
What if we had never realized one of the most important themes of our love story: that the ways we were the most different were the ways we most wanted to grow.
You see, at first, we saw our personality clashes and independence as proof that we were too different to ever come together as a couple — it would be too much work, too many compromises, and besides, we were satisfied with the way we were, thank you very much.
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| Robert and Joan 2006 |
But over the few years we had together, this attitude changed. The closer we got, the more we came to respect our differences — even laugh about them — and the less we felt we needed to resist change. In fact, we discovered that compromise led to change in directions we each wanted to grow.
Once we saw our differences as an opportunity to grow in ways that would be as good for us individually as they were good for us as a couple, we stopped resisting, reframed what we were willing to do for each other, and we blossomed together and apart.
What did you learn about love and about yourself in later life? I hope you’ll share your experiences.
Lelo’s Mona Wave wiggles hello to your G-spot
Are you old enough to remember the ad for the Yellow Pages that started, “Let your fingers do the walking”? Then you’ll understand me if I say, “Let your Mona Wave do the waving.” This delightful and lovely penetrative vibrator does more than vibrate — it gently wiggles forward and back to wave hello to your G-spot.If moving fingers in your vagina are your idea of a fine time, this vibrator from Lelo comes close. The “waving” is supposed to simulate the “come hither” motion recommended to stimulate the G-spot. It sort of does that.
I like a lot about this sex toy:
Pros:
- Beautiful design, well-made, curved for ease of G-spot stimulation.
- 10 patterns with adjustable intensity. You can get the vibrations + the wave, or the wave without vibrations, or the vibrations without wave. The patterns use different rhythms, from tap-tap to roller coaster.
- Smooth, body-safe silicone materials.
- Waterproof and rechargeable.
- Waving motion feels darned good.
That’s not to say it’s perfect, though.
Cons:
- Just try to see the controls without your reading glasses. You can tell by feeling the recessed area how to turn it off and on, but if you want to explore patterns or increase intensity, your lubed fingers will have no idea where to press. You’ll have to turn it off, pull it out, put on your bifocals, and either change the setting or memorize where it is. I know that the lack of raised buttons and easy-to-feel markings make it easier to clean, but the trade-off is that it’s harder to vary settings once you’ve started.
- The vibrations are in the handle as well as in the insertable part. Holding it can irritate an arthritic wrist. Solution, once you have it where you wanted, let go. It will likely stay where it belongs, hands-free or at least hands-minimal.
- If you clench your vagina, the waving transfers from the vibrator to the handle. Neither our vagina nor our hand wants that!
- Lelo is overselling it by claiming that it gives “the orgasm to end all orgasms.” First of all, it doesn’t deliver that. Second, who’d want to “end all orgasms” anyway?
For me personally, the pros far outweigh the cons. I’ll be enjoying this toy often!
Note: The diameter of the widest part is about 1.5″. If you have discomfort with penetration and you prefer a slim toy, it may feel too large. If your vaginal entrance is tight, which is true for many women of our age, the abrupt size change and lack of tapering may be a problem.
You can purchase Mona Wave from Good Vibrations in the US, or for international sales, visit Lelo. Lelo also puts the wave technology into a rabbit vibrator — the Ina Wave — which I haven’t tried yet.
Loving Our Own Aging Bodies
Lauren Marie Fleming’s email to me began,
I’m putting together the final touches for the launch of
my BawdyLove program and I wanted to ask if you’d be interested in sharing
what I’m calling your “Bawdy Love origin story”, or the moment(s)
where you decided you were done hating yourself and ready to work towards
loving yourself fully.
I didn’t ever “hate” my body, but I didn’t see it as beautiful or sexy through most of my teenage and adult years. I looked good in clothes, but naked, my body was far from the media’s image of what a sexy female body should look like. My breasts have never been perky, not even as a teenager. They always flopped, and the older I get, the flatter and floppier they become.
But here’s the strange thing: I love my body now more than I ever have. OK, you can tease me about my eyesight, but honestly, it isn’t about what I look like — it’s what I feel like. and I feel like a beautiful, sensual, sexy woman at age 71. Here’s how I got here:
1. When my great love Robert and I fell in love, he truly found me beautiful and told me so often. He and I had a morning routine, where he brought me coffee in bed, I let the covers slip from my breasts, he covered his eyes and stepped back as if dazzled by my beauty. This didn’t just go one way — I would drink in his body with my eyes and tell him, “You’re the handsomest man in my world.” Take-away point: If you’re lucky enough to have a lover in your life, let each other know how sexy/ beautiful you find each other.
2. I discovered shaper bras that can give me the uplift and cleavage that my breasts don’t have on their own, and that makes me feel confident in sexy, revealing clothing. Take-away point: Shop for underwear and outerwear that show off your body to the best advantage. Put the accent on revealing rather than covering up.
3. I did a lingerie shoot with a photographer at age 65, and I enjoyed it so much that I repeated the experience at age 68. (Hmm, I’m due for another!) I learned so much from the experience of posing in lingerie and seeing the photos afterwards. Take-away point: Pose in lingerie if this intrigues you — you’ll discover that the camera reveals how sexy you are in ways you never saw on your own.
4. I realized that this body, whatever its age, is capable of giving me great sensual and sexual pleasure. What’s sexier than that? I celebrate my body because of the sensations and the pleasure I get from it. I encourage you to do the same. Take-away point: Whether you’re partnered or not, experience, enjoy and love your body’s sexy gifts to you.
I asked followers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to comment about their own body image challenges. Here’s what they said:
- I turned 62 yesterday and of course never appreciated my young self’s body. While I try to appreciate my current body, sagging breasts, stretch marks, and loose skin make my newly single sex life a challenge. The lights are out before sex and I don’t dress or undress in front of him. He likes my body but I’m still not comfortable being naked in front of him.
- I’m 55. I have been severely limited in expressing myself freely because I think I should be a smaller size. A friend who was heavier than me once said, “Men don’t care what size you are as long as they can get it in there!” Too funny! I guess she could sense my fear was holding me back from meeting anyone. I have never been able to be that uninhibited about not being my ideal size. Hence, I have been alone a while now. I say I’ll meet someone when I trim down.
- How about also addressing the challenge of explaining scars from injuries and surgeries to a person not yet familiar with what adventures and misadventures you have survived? Along with the ethical quandary of a cancer survivor (with the scars to prove it) dating a person who lost their mate to cancer?
- The most insecure I have been is after surgeries. Explaining your scars and exposing them is nerve wracking. Plus your body has been through a trauma and getting intimate after these events takes time from healing and a patient lover.
- [from a therapist:] I frequently counsel with gorgeous women from 30-65+ who look at their body in the mirror and all they see is the tummy roll from child-bearing or their less than 34D bust. What I see is a woman who is physically, spiritually and emotionally beautiful, but just doesn’t look like the Victoria’s Secret models. You must love yourself before you can love others, and that includes your body.
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| Lauren Marie Fleming |
Transparent and Still Mine: highly recommended
I’m always hungry for films that portray aging and relationships insightfully, teaching me something new and unexpected.
Amazon Prime jolted me recently with two stellar offerings — one series and one film — that feature aging characters who don’t fit any of the stereotypes. Both affected me profoundly, and I recommend them to you:
Transparent
At 68, Mort (played masterfully by Jeffrey Tambor) comes out as a trans woman who wants to be called Maura. In this sweet, smart, and strongly acted ensemble series, we see the strengths and vulnerabilities of Mort/Maura and a family of ex-wife and three adult children — who make a ton of relationship mistakes of their own.
This 10-episode series resolves many questions and leaves enough unanswered to allow for a second season, which is in the works — hurray!
Yes, there’s lots of sex in Transparent, but (boo) only Maura’s children are having it. Maura is more interested in establishing her identity and being accepted by her family than in having sex with anyone — at least in season 1. Will this change in the second season?
Still Mine
Craig (James Cromwell) is watching Irene (Geneviève Bujold), his wife of 61 years, lose her memory. He loves her fiercely and wants to protect her by building a house that will be easier for her to live in.
Although Craig has been building houses his whole life, he’s no match for the bureaucracy that insists on permits and strict adherence to building codes that are irrelevant to Craig (the plans are in his head; the lumber came from a tree he felled; the knowledge came from his father and a lifetime of craftsmanship and self-sufficiency).
The love and chemistry between Craig and Irene are powerful. The tenderness in their loving looks and caresses will make you applaud or cry or both. And rather than portray this elderly couple as sexless, there’s a sexy undressing scene early in the film that includes, “This never gets old. We always did passion well.”
This film is based on real people and actual events. Don’t miss it.
What films have you watched that portrayed aging and relationships in a non-stereotypical way? I look forward to your recommendations.