Dating After 50, 60, 75 — Making Our Own Rules
“Online Dating Over 50: The Rules of The Game” on Huffington Post began,
Monica Porter, who dated “dangerously” for a year, shares nine top tips to help protect yourself, including: don’t believe anything, be careful who you get into bed with and split the check. If you’re looking for romance through online dating, make skepticism your starting point, says Monica.
Sure, “be careful whom you get in bed with” and “split the check” are reasonable, whatever your age and whether you’re dating online or some other way. But the negative attitude overall made me cringe For example,
Rule #1 of dating over 50: Don’t believe anyone. Emotionally, you need to construct a wall around yourself which nobody can penetrate until you believe it to be safe. People will plunder your emotions without compunction if you let them. It is up to you keep them locked up, like jewels.
Really? I’ve been online dating for a while now, and though I have my own frustrations with it (see my advice to men here), fearing that my precious emotions will be plundered if I don’t lock them up is not one of them.
Personally, I think that most people of our age who are using online dating sites are looking for love/ lust/ sex/ adventure/ friendship/ companionship, or some combination of these; feel as vulnerable as we do; and have good intentions. Am I naive?
Isn’t the point of a first date to know each other enough to decide whether we want a second date? Isn’t part of that being ourselves, talking openly, and, yes, risking a little? I’ve met people who have their emotions locked up, and I have no interest in dating them.
I invited the fans of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to weigh in. Boy howdy, were you willing! Here are some of your points:
Janet, 55: I agree, it is very negative. If you go into online dating with fear and negativity, that is what you will attract. I suggest: Know yourself, be clear about what you expect from the site, be clear on the qualities of a date you are seeking, be ruthlessly honest because you have nothing to lose — you don’t want to waste time in a charade. This is the time of life to be real. Be you, be positive, have fun and you will attract what you put out.
Dana, 62: I tried online dating and it seemed like every man I met had a laundry list, and I was too short, not brunette, too chunky, not enough like their ex wife, too much like their ex wife, too independent, not independent enough, too sexual, too frigid, and on and on. They had this woman pictured in their mind and were looking for her and her alone. My strongest recommendation would be not to make snap judgments at the first meeting. Be willing to let things unfold, be curious. Resist the temptation to judge a book by its cover. Just relax and don’t be on the hunt for your “soul mate” (whatever the heck that is). Find a true friend, a joyful companion, a kind soul and be nice. Let life, God, the universe, fate (whatever you want to call it) choose for you.
Jim, 58: As negative as it may be, is the article accurate? I say, for the most part, yes. Photos are old, many of them are of flowers, their dog, whatever. Would it be nice for a woman to offer to help pay for a nice dinner? Never happens. Not that I would accept it either, but the offer would be nice. I think we all have preconceived notions of what we want, but I agree that you need to let things flow. I find that many women aren’t ready to date, let alone have a new relationship. After 3-4 dates, it’s “I just don’t think I’m ready,” or “my ex BF is really trying to be a better man so I’m going to go back and give it another try,” or “I thought I was ready but now I’m not sure.”
Ruth, 67: I think the Huff Post article is valid to some extent — don’t believe anybody! It doesn’t mention that you can ask for a reference after you’ve met someone for the first time and before you hop into bed with them. You can find out about the person’s honesty and relationship history from someone else’s point of view. I don’t agree with the statement, “If you meet someone you fancy, by all means enjoy good, fun sex. But – hard-nosed as it sounds, and I can’t pretend it’s always easy – take the emotion out of it or you will be hurt over and over again.” I can’t take the emotion out of sex and I’m not sure many people can.
Paula Ellen, 53: I find the photo with the article pretty offensive. Why isn’t there a photo of a 60-year-old, gray-haired woman with a thirty-something male? Jesus.
Brian, 64 :
I’m a verbal guy, I’m not interested in profiles without a lot of writing either in the profile essays, or in the explanations of the questions on OKCupid. That’s where I gauge such things as sense of humor, care for others, and intellectual curiosity. I wonder what women are thinking when they post a profile picture showing them scowling or otherwise looking unhappy. My correspondents tell me that they get tons of messages from men on the model of “Hi beautiful, what’s up?” (That sort is the more tasteful) I can’t give advice on how to handle this, except to put clearly in your profile something that you ask for a comment on, if only to see if someone actually read it. I sent a woman one of my usual cheerleading notes, telling her how much I loved her profile and wishing her good luck. Six months later, we’ve got a very fine romance going, despite the long distance. As it happened, one of my lovers had just said goodbye for reasons best known to her, and I had some time/energy to spare.
So, be careful what you don’t ask for. You may get it.
Ashton, 62: I agree that that article is way too negative. I’m a fan of OK Cupid and I think you need to go into it open-minded rather than paranoid. My #1 rule of online dating is to meet sooner rather than later.
Cyril, 65: While I agree that the wording is negative and excessively emphasizes the need for caution, we should not be gullible or leave ourselves open to exploitation, whether by a date or a rogue trader. Simply put, make sure they have earned your trust before you open up.
Chuck: I’m 74 and my honey is 78. We met on JDate two years ago. The obvious catalyst is honesty–and candor. We got the heavy lifting done on our first date (my alcoholism and depression, her husband’s dementia) and moved on from there. Respecting one another’s history and allowing space for individualism, these have worked so well for us.
CatalystCon West 2014: Catalyst Award!
CatalystCon – Sparking Communication in sexuality, activism and acceptance is an amazing conference that happens twice a year: once in Washington, DC and once in Los Angeles. If you attend, you’ll never forget it.
The presenters and attendees are sex educators, bloggers, authors, researchers, professors, sex workers, adult entertainment performers, therapists, and anyone else who has a commitment to sharing in the conversation about sexuality education and activism.
You’ll meet legends in the field who paved the way to the kind of sexual liberation most of us in the US enjoy today. You may find yourself sitting next to a porn star or an erotica writer who sparked your own sexual awakening. You’ll get so much new information and so many diverse points of view that your brain and heart will expand.
CatalystCon feels like my world — a loving world in which sexuality is celebrated, and all sex-positive viewpoints and consensual behavior are accepted. I attend regularly and I give a presentation (or two) about senior sex each time. Even when I’m the oldest person in the room, I feel warmth, acceptance, and genuine interest in what I have to say.
This time, there was an additional surprise for me: I received the Catalyst Award “for inspiring exceptional conversations in sexuality”! I can’t remember what organizer Dee Dennis said about me when I rose to accept the award (I had absolutely no idea in advance!) — all I remember is looking out at 300 people who were standing, applauding, and smiling at me.
Here is the description of the purpose and mission of this conference from http://catalystcon.com/:
CatalystCon is a conference created to inspire exceptional conversations about sexuality. It is about reaching out and stimulating those who attend to create those important conversations in their own communities, changing how we as a society talk about and treat sexuality. It is about stimulating the activist that is within all of us and sparking transformation in the way our friends, neighbors, children and even politicians discuss one of the most important aspects of humanity.
This is a conference meant to energize, enlighten and exhilarate. It is a conference where everyone is welcome, everyone is respected, and everyone is encouraged to share their knowledge and experiences. As the struggle continues over issues relating to equal rights, access to health care, and sex education, it is more important than ever to come together and have these important conversations on all areas of sexuality.
The fundamental principle of CatalystCon is that knowledge is power and sharing that knowledge is the first spark in igniting change.
Do you see why winning the 2014 Catalyst Award feels to me like one of the most important honors ever? See why my smile takes over my entire face?
If you can attend in the future, please do. You’ll be changed by it: listening to, learning from, and networking with the most interesting people you’ll ever find in one weekend of sharing information and attitudes about sexuality.
I’ll write more about what I learned from the presenters in another post, coming soon. The conference really wasn’t “all about me,” and neither was my enjoyment of it. I just had to share this much right away!
FeMani Wellness Sexual Health Massage Wand
If you’ve read my book, Naked at Our Age, or the advice given on this blog, I hope you’ve noticed the valuable information contributed by Ellen Barnard and Myrtle Wilhite, MD, co-owners of A Woman’s Touch. They are brilliant sex educators and compassionate human beings who devote themselves to women’s sexual health and pleasure, with a special emphasis on helping women with sexual pain and limitations.
I’ve recommended A Woman’s Touch’s Vaginal Renewal Program often, and many of you told me how helpful it has been for you. An attendee at one of my workshops recently emailed me:
I wanted to let you know how much I benefited from your workshop. Using some things that were discussed, the Vaginal Renewal Program you recommended, your books that I purchased (I went straight to chapter 11 — “When Sex Hurts” — in Naked at our Age), and some steamy stories from Ageless Erotica, I was able to have penetrative intercourse for the first time in 4-1/2 months. It can only get better from here and hubs is very happy.
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| Ellen Barnard |
I’m including this testimonial here not only because she specifically mentioned AWT’s Vaginal Renewal Program, but also because much of what I know about vaginal pain and self-help solutions I learned from Ellen and Myrtle. I consult and quote them often, and you’ve benefited from their expertise several times on this blog as well as throughout the pages of Naked at Our Age.
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| Myrtle Wilhite |
Ellen and Myrtle have been working for years on developing the best sexual health internal massage wand for women who have pain and/or limitations with penetration and with medical internal exams due to aging, cancer, or other issues. They (and we) were dissatisfied by the wands — aka vaginal dilators — that were available to women with sexual pain, either from doctors or online.
After years of research, they’ve designed and tested the FeMani Wellness Sexual Health Massage Wand, which has been perfected to their high standards. FeMani Wellness Sexual Health Massage Wand is ready for manufacturing — but their funds have run out.
That’s why I’m appealing to you. These amazing educators have been (and continue to be) generous with their expertise, helping anyone who needs them. Can you be generous to them now? You’ll be helping yourself and many other women who will be able to have comfortable, pleasurable sex because of these tools.
If you’ve been helped by the expertise of Ellen and Myrtle, either through my books or elsewhere, or you just want to help other women, can you assist with a donation of any size?* Go here to learn more.
* You know I don’t use this blog for fund-raising appeals. You may not know that I turn down about one worthy project a week, because I know you come here for senior sex news and views, not to be asked for money. But this project and these people are so special in our world that I had to make an exception.
Amorino: a twisted sex toy
When I first saw a photo of the Amorino, I was mystified. Why put a twisted rubber band on a vibrator? Bondage is one thing, but on a vibrator? What an odd sex toy — I had to try it. Fortunately, the good folks at Good Vibrations were eager to send me one.I discovered with pleasure that this strange little vibrator can be used in a variety of ways, and I had fun experimenting with it.
Let’s start with the bare vibrator. Without the band, the medical-grade silicone mini-vibe can be used as a “rabbit”-style vibrator for dual stimulation of the clitoris and vagina.
The insertable length is only 3 inches, and the width is just 1.25 inches. This smaller size suits many of us older women just fine. The surface is smooth, and both tips are soft and a bit flexible, another plus.
So why the yellow band? I was skeptical at first: Why would anyone want to add a rubber band to a vibrator?
Actually, I discovered, the band adds a strange and quite pleasant sensation, almost like it’s “strumming” your vulva. Instead of inserting the shaft fully, just insert it shallowly (or not at all) and let the band play over your clitoris and labia. Pleasant, fun (it’s made by Fun Factory, after all), and sexier than you might imagine.
How do you attach the band?
1. You can loop it around the vibrator (there are indentations to keep it from slipping).
2. You can loop it over the top, twist it once, then loop it over the bottom.
3. You can twist it twice.
Experiment and enjoy! In case you’re wondering what havoc that twisted band might wreak on pubic hair, I was happy to discover that it did not catch or pull. Your experience may vary.
The Amorino may also be used anally, but only without the band.
Is the Amorino strong enough to bring older women to orgasm? You may not need the intensity I do, in which case the small but mighty Amorino will make you very happy.
For me, it felt good, very good, but it wasn’t quite strong enough. I’ve come to enjoy several of my feels-nice-but-not-quite-strong-enough-to-get-me-there vibrators for a yummy, slow arousal. Then I grab one of my stand-bys (Magic Wand, Eroscillator, or — my recent find — Palm Power) for a happy ending.
The Amorino comes with a USB charger. Once charged, no cords. And it’s waterproof!
I wouldn’t recommend the Amorino as your first or only vibrator, but if you’re a connoisseur of sex toys, as — ahem! — many of us are, I think you’ll find this an entertaining and pleasurable addition. Or, as some reviewers do (hello, Dangerous Lilly!), you may find it too gimmicky. I’m in the first camp — I like it. I don’t love it, but I like it a lot.
Thank you, Good Vibrations and Fun Factory, for providing me with the Amorino in exchange for an honest review from a senior perspective.
