Solo Sex for Seniors: Making Self Pleasure Work for You
Masturbation is a harsh-sounding word for an activity that’s immensely pleasurable and self-loving. It’s sex with the person who knows you the best: yourself. Self-pleasuring is delicious sex, and it doesn’t matter how old we are, what gender, whether or not we have a partner, if arousal and orgasms are our happy place or we’ve grown up to think of masturbation as shameful. Sexual pleasure is within our own power.
Here are some reasons that we, as seniors, might want to enjoy solo sex:
5 Reasons to Self-Pleasure
- What used to bring you to orgasm doesn’t do it anymore. Our responses change as we age, and what aroused us in the past may not work best for us now. The best way to figure out what does work now is to experiment on your own. What kind of touch do you like? Where, exactly? What pace? What intensity? The most direct way to stay in tune with what you need for sexual pleasure is to experiment with your own hands — and, of course, sex toys. Once you find the path to pleasure on your own, you can teach it to your partner if you have one. And if you don’t, that doesn’t have to mean a lack of orgasms!
- You don’t have a partner. Many of us have no sexual partner at this time in our lives. Too often, I hear this from older women: “When I meet someone, I’ll think about sex again. Until then, it doesn’t matter.” It does matter. If we put sex on hold for months, years, decades, it will be much more difficult to enjoy sex if a partner does show up later on. It’s up to us to stay healthy and sexually vibrant with regular arousal and orgasms. Even if you don’t care about being partnered again, sex with yourself is important for health and wellbeing.
- You have a partner, but little or no sexual interaction, or it doesn’t lead to orgasm for you. Many of us can’t have full sexual expression with our partners due to medical or relationship issues. Perhaps one partner has lost interest or is no longer able to engage sexually, so the other gives up on sex. Or you and your partner are no longer sexually attracted to each other, but for other reasons, you want to stay together. Maybe what you need is not what your partner is able or willing to give you, or you don’t know how to ask for it.
- Orgasms are gifts you can give yourself. Our reason to masturbate doesn’t have to be because something else isn’t going well. It can be because we like it, we know how to please ourselves and we’re good at giving ourselves orgasms. It can be as simple and as joyful as that.
- Best reason of all: it just feels good!
How to Make Solo Sex Work for You
From planning to sex toys, take these steps to give yourself the best chance for an orgasmic experience.
Make a date with yourself. Don’t leave self-pleasuring to chance. Our arousal capability ebbs and flows, so schedule your dates with yourself during the time of day when you feel most sexually charged: your “tingle time,” as I call it. Not sure when that is? Orgasms are easier before a meal, not afterward, and not when you’re tired. You might get aroused most easily in the early morning after your first cup of coffee, or just before lunch, or after a quick afternoon nap. Experiment to find out what your special time is. Set aside enough private time to enjoy the experience without rushing.
Exercise first. Be physical in your daily life. Exercise increases blood flow. This translates to sexual arousal, because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster. For surprisingly effective results, exercise right before your solo sex time.
Prepare. Have everything ready that you might want: lubricant, a small towel, massage oil, pillows for hip, back and neck comfort. Leave your phone and computer in another room, gather your favorite sex toys and settle in for pleasure. You don’t have a favorite sex toy, or you’ve never used one?? Read “Vibrators for Seniors – especially for first-timers.”
Set the mood. Read erotica if you enjoy it (try Ageless Erotica, by and for our age group!), play music, write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a bath, massage your body slowly—whatever turns you on. You might like candlelight, lingerie, visual stimulation…Let your imagination run wild.
Choose your lube. A lubricant that keeps you moist and slick will increase comfort and intensify your pleasure. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently. Choosing a lube that contains only healthy ingredients is important: try Wicked Sensual Care’s simply® timeless line developed for menopause and beyond!
Explore your body slowly. Sometimes racing to an orgasm is fun, but at other times, take time to slow down and explore all your erogenous zones and the kind of sensual stimulation you like. Maybe you like your breasts or thighs stroked, or maybe there’s a special place on your neck or the inside of your wrist that makes you shiver when touched just right. You may discover that the kind of touch that turns you on and/or the places you like to be touched are different now than they used to be, so don’t rely on past history.
Use sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies often need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. That’s where your vibrator comes in. Use it on a low speed to get aroused, then turn up the intensity to take yourself to orgasm. Or you might experiment with having an assortment of toys charged and ready, and switching as you wish.
vulva toys
penis toys
Fantasize. Let your fingers and sex toys help you imagine an intimate date with… who comes to mind? Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners. Your brain is your main sex organ, so invite your fantasy to your private party. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on.
Why Are We Reluctant or Embarrassed to Self-Pleasure?
If masturbation is good for our physical, emotional and relationship health, why is it so hard for us to talk about or even think about it? We were brought up during a sex-negative era, meaning that we were taught that sex and sexual desire were shameful, sexual pleasure was never discussed, and our sex education was mainly “don’t do it.”
That applied to masturbation, too, although you’d think a culture that wanted us to delay partner sex would encourage this safe and private outlet. But no, we were taught that our genitals are dirty and we shouldn’t touch them, except for hygienic needs.
We’ve thrown off many restrictive teachings from our early youth, thank goodness. But for many of us, this one is especially tenacious, filled with shame and guilt. Girls, especially, were taught, “Don’t touch yourself down there. It’s dirty.” Can we change that view of ourselves and our needs now? Touching ourselves is healthy — orgasms are good for us, and hurray, we can give them to ourselves.
What To Do If You’re Not Inspired
Our retreating hormones and decreased blood flow make it easy to forget about sex, because there’s less urgency. Yet the less we experience arousal and orgasm, the more difficult it is to get there when we want to. If it’s already difficult for you to arouse yourself to orgasm, that’s a good reason to masturbate more rather than less. Sexual arousal and orgasm bring blood flow to the genitals and help to tone our pelvic floor muscles. The more we do it, the easier it becomes. Give yourself at least a couple of orgasms a week and you’ll feel the difference. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen that will trigger your emotional arousal, which triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.
Solo sex is a lovely gift you can give yourself. Instead of seeing it as a poor substitute for partner sex, see it as a celebration that your body is still capable of such delights. Give yourself this gift often, whenever you want. I wish you joy!
Parts of this article first appeared in “A Senior’s Guide to Solo Sex” in Senior Planet, February 2017.
Pulse Solo Essential Dragon Eye review by Shamus MacDuff
The Pulse by Hot Octopuss is the trailblazer for top quality penis vibrators that can be used with or without an erection.
Its central “cradle” is cleverly designed to enwrap and arouse your penis. The strategically located, coin-shaped oscillating plate moves through various speeds and patterns to stimulate your frenulum, the most sensitive part of your penis. This excites nerves and brings you to a delightful orgasm. Pulse works with even the most flaccid penis.
Now there’s a new model: the shimmering blue Pulse Solo Essential Dragon Eye. It’s gorgeous to look at, and even better to experience!
Hot Octopuss pioneered penis vibrators with the original Pulse 10 years ago. Over the past decade they’ve added new models and refinements to their original “guybrator,” such as the Pulse Solo Lux and Pocket Pulse (no longer available, sorry), which I reviewed. Now, celebrating 10 years and over 2 million sold, they’ve introduced the beautiful blue Pulse Solo Essential Dragon Eye to their stable. All Pulses are fully waterproof, made of medically safe silicone, and can be enjoyed with or without lube (use water-based only).
The word essential in the name of this new Pulse model is especially relevant for us senior penis owners. The Dragon Eye has all the essentials to produce penis pleasure regardless of whether you can obtain or sustain an erection. You don’t need to have an erection to reach orgasm using this beauty. Yes, a flaccid penis is capable of orgasm. The Pulse Solo Essential is the right tool for your tool!
Controls are easy: a button on one side turns it on and off and cycles through patterns. The “+” and “-” buttons on the other side control the speed and intensity. A charger is included. And it’s waterproof!
I use my Dragon Eye primarily to masturbate solo. Slowly revving it up to top speed brings me to an erection. I then have fun alternating among the toy’s five patterns, and practicing edging for a while, before finally ejaculating. As a recent experiment, my partner manipulated the toy on my lubed member while I reclined in mounting ecstasy. Although Dragon Eye isn’t specifically designed for partner play, this caper produced a wonderful orgasm. My partner said she found my pleasure both delightful and arousing!
The symbol of a Dragon Eye is unusual and has several possible referents. The one that appears most appropriate as a name for this sexual pleasure enhancer is its spiritual meaning: the balance of love, power and wisdom. You’ll be wise to purchase a Dragon Eye Pulse Solo Essential, and you’re sure to love the power it gives you!
The Dragon Eye is a limited edition, so buy yours now while it’s available! Thank you, Hot Octopuss, for sending me the Dragon Eye in return for an honest review.
—Shamus MacDuff, age 80, was oblivious to the delights of sex toys for penises until about 6 years ago. He’s been making up for lost time! Read his other posts at https://joanprice.com/tag/shamus-macduff.
The Golden Bachelor: episode 1 & 2 & finale
Thursday, 9/28, 5:30 pm, before the show.
Is the whole Internet talking about The Golden Bachelor? Or are these constant ads and promotions targeted at me because of my age? If the latter, they’re doing a good job for once. Much better than the ads for pee panties and “mature” fashion that will change my life (“not to be overly dramatic”). I admit I’m curious. Ignoring the unrealistic premise that a 72-year-old widower will find meaningful love on a reality TV show, will the interactions be genuine? Will we see the vulnerability of seniors putting their wrinkled selves in front of a camera that catches every move and word as they try to date in a society that brands them as undateable? (No, spellcheck, do not change that to “uneatable”!) Or will it be bravado, strutting, catfights? (Oh, please, no.)
I read that Gerry will be given a supply of condoms. That’s good, but if this is really a “reality” show and his potential partners are in their 60s and 70s, they’d better supply him with lube, too!
Here’s my plan. I’ll watch the show, making notes on my laptop as I watch. Afterwards, I’ll post my reactions. I’m posting this much now so that you can join me by adding your own comments.
Know that I’m on the West Coast, so I’ll likely be late to the party, as the show is already airing if you’re on Eastern Time. Go ahead and start without me!
Thursday, 9/28, 10:30 pm, after the show.
The show opens with Gerry putting on his hearing aids – cool! He’s a good-looking guy, though I’d like him better clean-shaven than scruffy-faced, just my preference. Bristles are not pleasant against the tender skin of an aging face or more sensitive areas. Sorry (not sorry), that’s where my mind goes.
The first limo arrives filled with women screaming like junior high girls. Were they told to do that? I can’t imagine that’s how senior women arrive at a first date that’s also a competition.
There’s my problem. I have to remind myself, no, this isn’t reality – this is entertainment (or someone’s version of it). These women signed on for a competition where the last one standing supposedly will find love with this eligible widower. That means they all have to fall in love with him first, or that won’t work. Long before the end of the first episode, they all have a crush on him. “He’s perfect!” one says after knowing him for a minute.
The 22 women, age 60- 75, are all attractive, some conventionally and others uniquely. They’re all dressed in gowns – except for Renee, 67, in a track suit – and professionally coiffed and made up. From the get-go, the women try to stand out from each other with tricks, gimmicks, and sexual innuendos:
- “See these heels?” Susan, 66, asks Gerry. “I’m very comfortable with 6 inches.”
- Sandra, 75, calms herself with deep breathing while chanting the word “fuck” bleeped out.
- Leslie, 64, comes out wearing a robe and grey wig and using a walker. She throws off her robe and wig to reveal a low-cut black corset dress. She’s a fitness instructor and dancer who once dated Prince.
- Faith, 61, arrives by motorcycle. Later she plays guitar and sings to him. She gets the “first impression rose” because she makes him feel “very special.” Lots of kissing follows.
- April, 65, presents Gerry with eggs from her chickens and does a chicken dance, clucking and slapping herself on the butt. She’s a therapist.
If I seem to be picking on April, I was offended by her comment, “I am 65 and I hate to say that because aging sucks!” No it doesn’t! I have 15 years on her, and the “aging sucks” attitude… uh… sucks. Oops, there I go again, trying to impose authenticity on a reality show. But she’s a therapist!
I personally found the few natural looking women the most interesting and attractive – faces that move, foreheads that wrinkle, eyes that crinkle when they laugh, silver hair, diverse body types.
The most entertaining woman wasn’t really in the competition. Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt Concetta (“Chippy”), 84, crashed the party. She slept through the rose ceremony, where 6 of the 22 contestants were eliminated.
Would I watch this if the people weren’t seniors? No. Is this realistic about how seniors fall in lust and fall in love? No! Is it offensive? No, Gerry and the women are treated with respect so far. The show doesn’t fall into the “Oh, aren’t they cute?” trap, thank goodness.
Will it hold my interest as a series? Not likely, but if you want to keep reading or talking about it, I’m open to that. I’d love to know your views.
Friday, 9/29/23, 3 pm
Was I too dismissive and snarky in last night’s post? I’m reading comments on social media from people who love seeing self-confident women over 60 and 70 affirming that life isn’t over and it’s never too late for love. I support that! And Gerry’s story is moving. Part of my problem was that the way the women presented themselves to get Gerry’s (and the show’s) attention was usually silly. But when I look at the list of their professions, these are accomplished women. I hope we’ll get to know their stories with more depth and authenticity and fewer party tricks.
Yes, I’ll continue to watch. Whether I continue to blog about the show depends on how much interaction I get with you, readers!
Saturday, 9/30/23, 12pm
I’m thinking back on a promo I saw before the show aired, in which Gerry was asked, “What makes you the most nervous about dating?” Gerry answered, “The woman might ask me back to her place. That makes me really nervous. Ha ha ha!”
Gerry, you do seem really nervous. Let me help you with this. Please read my book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved.
Thursday, 10/5, 2023
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments and your encouragement to continue blogging about The Golden Bachelor. I’ll keep blogging here (rather than start a new one) for episode 2. Keep those comments coming!
Thursday, 10/5, 10:30 pm, after the show.
Episode 2 opens with the women moving into the mansion. Though they’re still screaming like preteens, they look, act, and speak more like real women of our age. They wear normal daytime clothes, more subdued makeup, careless hair. When they learn that some will be sleeping in bunk beds (seriously?), they decide who gets the bottom bunks on the basis of needing to pee at night and knee replacements that can’t climb ladders. This is enjoyably realistic.
The first date with Gerry goes to Theresa on her 70th birthday. She is widowed and tells a moving story about her husband of 42 years, who wished her love again after he died. We should all convey these wishes to our mates while we have each other.
Gerry is nervous about his date. “I’m a bit scared because I’m out of practice. There are many things that could go right and a lot that could go wrong.” In fact, what goes wrong is expecting this Indiana driver to navigate a LA freeway at night with headlights that aren’t working. He can’t see the road markings in front of him. Not good, people.
It’s also not a good idea to drive a convertible on the freeway with the top down when your companion had her hair styled for this date. The hairstyle blows into to streaming, shredded
strands in the wind.
After this harrowing drive, Gerry takes Theresa to a ‘50s style diner for her birthday dinner! Fries and a chocolate shake.
Theresa’s birthday is saved from being totally kitschy when she recounts the story of her husband dying. Being a widow myself, the realism of comparing losses with a new person speaks to me. I was hoping the show would have moments like this. “I was talking to someone who understood the loss of a spouse,” says Gerry.
Just in case this show is getting too realistic and the emotions too authentic, a flash mob erupts through the diner and out into the parking lot, dancing to “Don’t Stop Believing.” For some reason, the dancers are all young. In case you don’t know, I’ve been teaching line dancing for more than 25 years, and most of my dancers are wild seniors. ABC, you could have flown us to LA for the dance scene.
“Theresa could be the person I spend the rest of my days with. She could be my life partner,” says Gerry after one date.
Then comes the extremely odd group date with 12 women for a “romance novel cover photo shoot.” The women are given clothes of different themes and time periods. They pose with Gerry, who changes outfits and sometimes hair. Aside from the photographer Franco’s suit and Natascha rocking her ’70s colors, most of the scenes were forgettable.
Authenticity again seeps through when Nancy, wearing a wedding dress as a costume, keeps breaking into tears. Nancy tells Gerry, “I haven’t had a wedding dress on since I got married” 36 years ago to her husband, who died 12 years ago. She remains teary but toughs it out. Gerry, who is compassionate, gives her a rose because they share loss and histories and connect emotionally.
I feel that giving a widow a wedding dress costume is a cruel attempt at manipulating emotions. Could they have guessed that this would be hard for her? Of course they could. Did they care, or did they consider it just good TV?
My favorite lines of the evening:
- Theresa: “At this age, we don’t want to waste time.”
- Nancy: “There’s joy in remembering [my past great love], and I still have hope moving forward.”
- Leslie: “If you ever want to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, I’ll be able to hear you,” as she shows him her hearing aids.
- Gerry’s conversation with his wife before she died: “When one of us passes away, the other should go find happiness.”
- Jeannie: “My mama found love in her 70s – I can do it, too.”
- Natascha: “Guys, do the rose ceremony in chairs! You’ve got people 60, 70, and above. Chair Rose Ceremony!”
Wed, Oct. 11, 2023
I won’t do extensive commentary on every episode from now on, but I’ll likely check in with short comments. I’ll be out of the country for 3 weeks, so I won’t be able to stay up to date for a while. Meanwhile, a rose for you via Gerry. Do keep your marvelous comments coming!
Sat., Dec. 2, 2023
I watched every episode. I thought I would have a lot to say about the finale, but to be honest, so much is available online that you don’t need me to weigh in. But I do want to say a few things.
- Yeah, I know — it’s a show, it’s entertainment, everything is staged, not reality. But still! If Gerry is “in love with” (in quotes because you can’t be “in love” when your meetings have all been in front of cameras) two women, and they feel the same about him, he should date both of them until they get to know each other much better. How absurd that he’s supposed to choose, propose, plan a televised wedding in another month. How absurd that an intelligent, experienced woman would go along with that.
- It’s all been about what Gerry likes (“loves”) about these women, how he sees them as fitting into his life. But what about their lives? What is he offering them, exactly?
- Even as the contenders narrowed to three, then two, here’s the conversation I kept wanting them to have with each other: “Tell me what sexual expression means to you, what you need, what’s off the table.” That always needs to be a long conversation, whatever our age, before we can move into intimacy and especially into commitment.
- His treatment of Leslie in the last episode and his inadequate comforting of her made me angry on her behalf. Good for her for asserting, after he told her not to think that way, “I’ll think whatever I fucking want!” (Correct me if I’m misremembering.) Leslie, you can do better.
- The Hollywood Reporter broke a story shortly before the finale: “The Golden Bachelor’s Not-So-Golden Past.” Read it. So much of what we were led to believe about Gerry’s recent past and personality was fake or exaggerated. He described himself as a “retired restaurateur” — he owned a drive-in burger franchise and had many jobs after that. He hid his three-year live-in relationship with Carolyn after his wife’s death, and that he kicked her out of his house after she gained 10 pounds. There’s more, lots more. Did he deceive the show? With the thorough background checks they do, it’s doubtful. Was the show complicit? I hope that comes out.
I welcome your comments.
Fri, April 12, 2024
So they got married in a big, overblown event on television (which I did not watch), lived apart (which can work, but in this case didn’t), and three months after the wedding, they’re getting a divorce. Of course they are.
Part of me feels duped by the whole show start to finish and the hours I won’t get back, and part of me says, “Duh, what did you expect?” The thing that irks me is that as a widow, my emotions were manipulated. I knew that finding love on a reality show was fake and stupid, but I fell for Gerry’s sadness and hope (though it came out before the end of the show that he didn’t deserve my compassion). I relished the women’s backstories and age-positive statements.
OK, I’m really done now. As always, I welcome your comments.
Inya the Rose review
I think I’m in love. The beautiful and arousing Inya the Rose from Good Vibrations has become a dear friend with benefits. Inya the Rose by NS Novelties combines the pleasures of air pulse technology with powerful vibrations in a compact sex toy that looks like an artistic model of a rose. It’s small, but the sensations are big!
Air pulse technology, if you haven’t experienced it, feels kind of like gentle sucking, nibbling, and pulsing on the clitoris. It’s hard to describe, but luscious to experience! Combine that with vibrations, and you’re on your way to orgasm.
Here’s how to use it:
- Apply your favorite water-based lubricant on and around your clitoris and inner labia and on the top surface of the Rose.
- Turn on the Rose by pressing and holding the “water drop in a circle” button for two seconds.
- Press the center hole of the Rose to your clitoris. Wiggle it around until your clitoris says, “Oh, yes!” Get a good seal for the most enjoyable sensations.
- Press the button quickly to cycle through intensities 1-3 and, if you want them, 7 different rhythmic patterns.
- Hold it still, or circle, or twist for different sensations.
- Relax and enjoy!
- When you’re done, press and hold the button for two seconds to turn it off.
I was astonished by the amount of power in this little thing, and I love that it does not get buzzy when increasing intensity. The small size makes it possible for your or your partner’s fingers to assist if you like vaginal penetration along with clitoral stimulation.
Inya the Rose is made of body-safe silicone. It sits on a magnetic charger for easy USB charging. The “water drop in a circle” control button lights up during use and while charging. Although designed for the clitoris, Inya the Rose delights sensitive nipples of any gender!
Anything I didn’t like? The packaging is plastic inside a cardboard box, no storage pouch. I know that keeps the cost down, but I do appreciate a storage pouch with my vibrator purchases!
I’ve read an occasional review from a user who complained that her clitoris was too large for this product. Realize that the hole in the center needs to surround only the tip – the rest presses against the surrounding area. However, if you think this might be an issue for you, this product might not be your best choice.
Caveat: There are many rose vibrators on the market – they seem to be a trend now. They’re not the same. I tried another Rose of similar (but not identical) appearance, which I found not only not pleasurable, but actually uncomfortable, because of the design and placement of the petals. I won’t name it, because we’re all different, and it might not feel the same to you. But do your due diligence in reading reviews when you order this or any other sex toy – don’t make your selection because an item is cheaper.
Many thanks to the good folks at Good Vibrations for sending me Inya the Rose in return for an honest review.
In case you’re new to my work, I’ve been reviewing sex toys from a senior perspective since 2007, when I first reviewed the Eroscillator (still one of my top favorites). I’ve been using sex toys since buying my first Magic Wand in the “personal care” department at Macys in the 1970s! I tell that lively story to Kate Lister in the “Sex In Old Age: Myths, Toys & Desire” episode of her marvelous UK podcast, “Betwixt the Sheets: The History of Sex, Scandal & Society.” Give it a listen!