Sugar in My Bowl: Real Women Write About Real Sex: book review
Oh, my goodness – I started reading Sugar in My Bowl and I couldn’t stop. I loved this book.
Sugar in My Bowl: : Real Women Write About Real Sex, edited by. Erica Jong, is a remarkable anthology of personal essays and a few short stories, all with the theme of what women think about sex and how they remember and think back on pivotal sexual experiences.
As older women, we’re often ignored and made to feel invisible, especially our sexuality. I love it when books celebrate us, take us seriously, and convey our true experiences and attitudes.
That’s what happens in this anthology. At least half of the writers are age 50+. You can tell from some of the photos and dates or era references in their essays. Some of the younger writers talk about their parents, so we get plenty of sex after midlife in this book.
In “Peekaboo I See You,” Anne Roiphe describes playing doctor with a pal at age 5, while World War II was part of the adult world. “Jimmy puts his hand on my wee wee and he leans down to examine it carefully.” Later they reverse roles, and she wonders, “What do you do with those things below your penis?” “Nothing, he says, “they’re just there for decoration.” Of course they get caught. We always got caught.
In “Worst Sex,” Gail Collins, who came of age in the early 1960s, writes about her religious upbringing, when even starting to get aroused was a sin: “My friends and I were part of the last batch of American women to spend their adolescence being constantly lectured about sex by women who had never had any.”
In “My Best Friend’s Boyfriend,” Fay Weldon describes losing her virginity at age 18 in 1949, when “sex was a dangerous thing, far more interesting and erotic than it is now.”
In “Sex with a Stranger,” Susan Cheever heard the same warnings as I did growing up in the 1950s: “They won’t buy the cow if they get the milk for free.” That didn’t stop her from picking up men at parties. “The real danger of a one-night stand [isn’t that] it will lead to nothing, but that it will lead to everything…Those who are not ready to have their life changed should probably abstain.”
In “Going All the Way,” Liz Smith writes about losing her virginity to her first cousin at 16 in 1939 in an “A plus” experience. “I don’t remember if I had an orgasm,” she writes, “I was so ecstatically having ‘something’ special happen that I didn’t know if I was missing something else.”
In “Herman and Margot,” a short story about an 87-year-old woman and a 92-year-old man, Karen Abbott writes, “In the beginning they take things slowly, reveling in the irony of teasing time when they have so little of it left.”
Sometimes the sex is good, often it’s unsatisfying, bewildering, even “labia-shrivelling” (Jann Turner). It’s always fascinating, the kinds of conversations we wish we could have with other women, but brilliantly written by top-notch writers.
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| Erica Jong |
I kept noticing that the older women’s essays had the coloring of decades-later perspective, and this was often the take-home message of the essay. We women not only enjoy having sex — we also contemplate it afterwards as well as before! Even when the experience is less than fulfilling — and many of them are! — we learn from them and struggle to make better choices next time.
Jong writes that Anais Nin told her in 1971, “Women who write about sex are never taken seriously as writers.”
“But that’s why we must do it, Miss Nin,” Jong countered. I agree!
Thank you, Erica Jong and all the writers in this anthology for taking on this mission with such purpose and craft. Exceptional book, highly recommended.
Sugar in My Bowl (the title is from a Bessie Smith blues song) has its own website here.
He Said What? book review
I’ve read and enjoyed all Victoria Zackheim’s anthologies. She’s our age, and she knows the themes that affect our lives and haunt our memories. She has a knack for gathering top-notch writers to share their personal moments, and she’s at the top of her game with He Said What?
The essays are powerful revelations of a moment when something a man said changed how a women saw herself, or made a life decision, or knew a relationship was over. As you’d guess, some of the personal essays (and they’re very personal!) revolve around bad boys, bad dates, bad lovers, bad husbands, and bad liars. But sometimes the man uttering the life altering words is a father, a teacher, a doctor, or a brother, and sometimes they’re not bad people, just bearers of bad news.
Some of the essays are funny, especially those about the “demented dance of dating,” as Jane Ganahl calls it. Some are searing. All are worth reading.
Most of the writers in this anthology are over 50, Zackheim tells me. Sometimes you can tell that from the context of the essay: a 6th grade bathroom in 1964; a miniskirt, tie-died shirt, or Grateful Dead song at 15; marrying a naval officer before he ships out to Vietnam. Writing these essays with the perspective of decades after the pivotal event makes them even more powerful to a reader, especially readers our age.
I’ll bet this review is making you think about which “He Said What?” incident you’d choose. Please feel free to comment with your own memory here. Men, “She Said What?” memories are welcome, too!
What did Dean Edell, Candida Royalle, Peggy Brick, and Pepper Schwartz say about Naked at Our Age?
On the back of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, you’ll see glowing testimonials from Dr. Dean Edell, Candida Royalle, Peggy Brick, and Pepper Schwartz.
Due to space, those testimonials on the back had to be abridged, but here I can share the entirety of what these amazing people wrote. I’m grateful, even tearful, to see the response this book is getting already!
“At last the void is filled. Hang on, because Naked at Our Age breaks all the barriers and goes where ordinary books on this subject dare not….some readers may be shocked and challenged, and others delighted by this bold, direct, honest and completely uncensored approach. An eye opening challenge for anyone who dares to think that sex ends at 60. The message is clear…as far as sex in the senior years.… the best is yet to come. While this groundbreaking book will have some of you blushing, you won’t put it down.”
“Told through the voices of real people interspersed with great advice from smart professionals, Naked at Our Age is an important resource for anyone who wants to keep pleasure and sensuality in their lives as they move in to their later years. I especially like Joan Price’s warm and supportive tone and her ability to get people to share their stories, from which we learn a lot!”
– CANDIDA ROYALLE, Pioneer of woman-friendly erotica and author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do.
“Joan Price tells it like it is, ‘The Old Ways Don’t Do It Anymore!’ Then, with irresistible enthusiasm, she tackles all the outdated expectations and promotes a plethora of new ways to celebrate sexuality throughout the later years. Poignant quotations from seniors aged 50 to 90 illustrate the distress caused by the common sexual problems of aging. Succinct responses by professionals describe a rich variety of alternatives. ‘Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex’ is exactly what we do in my course, ‘Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter,’ so Naked At Our Age will be the perfect text.
“Naked at our Age is a terrific book for adults of any age– but especially written for Baby Boomers and beyond. I loved the mix of voices- personal stories, various expert’s advice- and no sugar coating anywhere- just facts, feelings, and how to have fun. There is plenty of advice – from dating to safer sex– but most importantly, the impact of the book is as much inspirational as it is educational. Reading this book will help women and their partners understand their sexuality better, negotiate what they want more successfully, and make it more likely that sex will be a comfort and thrill their whole life long.”
Order an autographed copy directly from me — be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it — by clicking the PayPal button below…
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If you are a Dr. Dean Edell fan, as I am, you’ve heard his arguments against circumcision. In this video, Edell debunks circumcision as AIDs prevention in Africa:
Meet the Experts of Naked at Our Age
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is unique because it presents real people, ages 50 to 80-plus, telling their stories and describing their sexual challenges, with immediately helpful tips and solutions from top sexuality educators, therapists, and medical professionals.
I am indebted to these experts for contributing their valuable advice. I encourage you to read their books and explore their websites to see what else they have to offer.
Isadora Alman, MFT is a board-certified sexologist, California-licensed relationship therapist, and author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex. Her Ask Isadora advice column has appeared in news weeklies worldwide for more than twenty-five years. Visit her website at www.askisadora.com.
Lori Anafarta, MA, LAMFT is the clinical director and founder of Beyond Diagnosis Counseling, LLC, in St. Paul and Forest Lake, Minnesota. Visit her website at www.BeyondDiagnosisCounseling.com.
Megan Andelloux is a board certified sexuality educator (AASECT) and sexologist (ACS), who lectures at colleges, works as a gynecological teaching assistant and runs The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI. Visit her website at www.ohmegan.com.
Charles (Chip) August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of Sex, Love & Intimacy, an internet radio show, and author of Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover. Visit his website at www.chipaugust.com.
Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and counselor on topics of aging and sexuality, cancer and sexuality, and facilitating intimacy at the end of life. She is the co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center, www.sexualityresources.com.
Libby Bennett, PsyD and Ginger Holczer, PsyD are clinical psychologists and coauthors of Finding and Revealing Your Sexual Self: A Guide to Communicating about Sex. Visit their website at www.psychobabbledocs.com.
Violet Blue is the author and editor of more than a dozen books on sexuality, including The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Women and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure. She is a sex educator who lectures at universities and community colleges. Visit her website at www.tinynibbles.com.
Sage Bolte, PhD, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C is an oncology counselor at Life with Cancer®, an Inova Health System service in northern Virginia. Visit the website at www.lifewithcancer.org.
Stephanie Buehler, PsyD is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, and director of The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California. Visit her blog about sex and intimacy at www.theblogerotic.com.
Michael Castleman, MA is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. Visit his website about sex after midlife, www.GreatSexAfter40.com.
Michele Cauch, MA, MSW is the executive director of Toronto-based SageHealth Network, www.sagehealthnetwork.com, an agency promoting seniors’ sexual health and positive aging. Visit her blog at www.seniorsex.blogspot.com.
Glenda Corwin, PhD, author of Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same Sex Couples, is a clinical psychologist providing gay-affirmative psychotherapy and sexual-intimacy workshops for women who partner with women. Visit her website at www.drglendacorwin.com.
Carol Denker is the author of Autumn Romance: Stories and Portraits of Love after 50. Visit her website at www.autumnlove.org.
Barb DePree, MD is a women’s health provider specializing in menopause care in West Michigan. She founded MiddlesexMD to help women enjoy sexuality for life, offering clinically sound information, practical advice, and intimacy aids. Visit her website at http://middlesexmd.com/.
Jed Diamond, PhD, author of Male Menopause and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome, is a psychotherapist working with men and women over forty. Visit his website at www.MenAlive.com.
Betty Dodson, PhD, artist, author, and sexologist, has been a voice for women’s sexual pleasure and health for more than three decades. Her books include Betty Dodson: My Sexual Revolution, Sex for One: the Joy of Selfloving, and Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex. Visit her website at www.dodsonandross.com.
Dossie Easton, a long time player on the San Francisco S/M scene, is coauthor with Janet Hardy of several books on BDSM, including The Ethical Slut and When Someone You Love Is Kinky. She is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. Visit her website at www.dossieeaston.com.
Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, MSEd is a certified sex educator and the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover, Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking, and The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. Visit her websites at www.yvonnekfulbright.com and www.sensualfusion.com.
Francesca Gentillé is a clinical sexologist, relationship counselor, and contributing author to The Marriage of Sex & Spirit. She hosts the Internet radio show, Sex: Tantra & Kama Sutra. Visit her website at www.lifedancecenter.com.
Charlie Glickman, PhD is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He offers workshops and classes on a wide range of sexuality topics including sex-positivity, sex and shame, and sexual diversity and practices. Visit his website at http://www.charlieglickman.com/.
Joe Hanson is a life coach, grief and loss counselor, and the author of Soaring Into Acceptance: Moving through Change and Loss and into Acceptance. Visit his website at www.lifelessons.info.
Gerald Haslam is the author of eighteen books, including Grace Period, a novel about prostate cancer, and the editor of eight anthologies. Visit his website at www.geraldhaslam.com.
Ken Haslam, MD, leads workshops educating senior citizens to be comfortable about their changing sexuality. He is a ten-year polyamory activist who founded a collection of polyamory archives at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana.
Dr. David Hersh is clinical director of The Hersh Centre for Sexual Wellness. He is a sexologist, psychotherapist, and marital therapist in private practice, with offices in Calgary, Alberta; Nelson, British Columbia; and San Francisco, California. Visit his website at www.sexualwellness.ca.
Anne Katz, RN, PhD is the author of Woman Cancer Sex, Man Cancer Sex, and Breaking the Silence on Cancer and Sexuality: A Handbook for Health Care Providers. She is the sexuality counselor at CancerCare Manitoba in Canada. Visit her website at www.drannekatz.com.
Susan Kellogg Spadt, PhD, CRNP is a vulvovaginal pain specialist and Director of Sexual Medicine at the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia, www.pelvicandsexualhealthinstitute.org.
Daniel Kuhn, MSW is Community Educator for the LIFE Institute of Rainbow Hospice and Palliative Care, based in Park Ridge, Illinois. He has authored or coauthored more than fifty publications, including Alzheimer’s Early Stages: First Steps for Family, Friends and Caregivers.
Erica Manfred, divorced at sixty, is the author of He’s History You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty. Visit her website at www.heshistory.com.
Michele Marsh, PhD is a certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist practicing at the Council for Relationships in Wynnewood and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She works with people of all ages and uses EMDR for trauma resolution.
Susana Mayer, PhD is a board certified clinical sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality. Her Ageless Sex Life™ is a philosophy and program of techniques to assist with sexual drive/desire issues. Visit her website at www.SusanaMayer.com .
Laurie Mintz, PhD is a licensed psychologist, professor at the University of Missouri, author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship, [] and a tired woman who has regained her once-lost passion. Visit her website at www.drlauriemintz.com.
Loren A. Olson, MD is a board-certified clinical psychiatrist, recognized as a Distinguished Life Fellow by the American Psychiatric Association, and author of Finally Out. Visit his blog for mature gay men at www.magneticfire.com.
Lou Paget is the author of five books, including How to be a Great Lover and How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, translated into 28 languages; CEO of Frankly Speaking Inc.; an AASECT Certified Sex Educator; and a regular media expert on all things sexual. Visit her website at www.loupaget.com.
Carol Queen, PhD is a writer, speaker, educator, and activist with a doctorate in sexology. She is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, and founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture. Visit her website at www.carolqueen.com.
Marnia Robinson, science journalist, is the author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. Visit her website at www.reuniting.info.
Candida Royalle, known for pioneering the genre of woman-friendly erotic films and the Natural Contours line of intimate massagers, is the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. Visit her website at www.candidaroyalle.com.
Rebekah Skoor, MA, MS, iMFT is a professor of Sexuality Studies and Counseling in San Francisco, California. She also counsels individuals, couples, and families, specializing in relationships and healing from interpersonal trauma. Visit her website at www.rebekahskoor.com.
Jeane Taylor, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice in Santa Rosa, California, has been helping people for more than thirty years.
Tina B. Tessina, PhD, “Dr. Romance,” is a licensed psychotherapist and author of thirteen books, including How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. Visit her website at www.tinatessina.com and blog at http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog.
Yolanda (Landi) Turner, EdD is a therapist who specializes in online relationships. She is a professor at Eastern University (St. Davids, Pennsylvania) and Widener University (Chester, Pennsylvania). Visit her website at www.drlanditurner.com.
Rabbi Ed Weinsberg, EdD, DD, specializes in reigniting intimacy after cancer. He is a prostate-cancer survivor and author of Conquer Prostate Cancer: How Medicine, Faith, Love and Sex Can Renew Your Life with Robert Carey, MD. Visit his website at www.ConquerProstateCancer.com.
Diana Wiley, PhD is a board-certified sex therapist, clinical sexologist, marriage and family therapist, and gerontologist affiliated with the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education and Research. Visit her website at www.DrDianaWiley.com.
Myrtle Wilhite, MD, MS is a physician and epidemiologist who specializes in prevention strategies to help maintain sexual health and wellness. She is the co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center, www.sexualityresources.com.
