Mr. Evasive and the date that didn’t happen
A year ago, I knew I wasn’t ready to date yet (see grief posts), but I wanted to start getting social and meet new people. I was planning a week in New York City for a conference, so I decided to explore finding a few dates for my time there.
I joined OK Cupid and perused the NYC options. I emailed several.
Most weren’t interested in meeting with someone from across the country who wouldn’t be a relationship possibility, but a couple were intrigued. I ended up meeting one man for a gym workout and a walk. (Tthat’s my kind of date!) There were no sparks between us, but it was pleasant.
What I really want to tell you about is the date I did NOT have. I’ll call him Mr. Evasive.
Mr. Evasive’s profile was appealing and we had plenty in common — both writers, dancers, teachers, readers, exercisers. We had a jaunty exchange of emails, and finally agreed to meet during my trip. But he never gave me his real name (just his handle) or his phone number. Whoops. I kept asking.
Finally, I’m in NY and he’s emailing me plans for our meeting. I replied that he still hadn’t told me his full, real name, and that was a prerequisite for meeting.
He admitted that his profile was not completely honest. He shrouded anything identifiable because he needed privacy — he was “sort of famous” in his profession. He suggested that we meet in at Grand Central Station and he would produce ID and let me phone his workplace for confirmation. But only after we meet in person.
Here are excepts from his long response:
- I am older than my stated age.
- I’m better looking and better educated than I present myself, and younger in ways that matter.
- I am on a site that any felon can get on with any gender age or whatever, looking for ID’s to steal.
- What you write includes fun, instructive, examples of stories from real people. I do Not want to be one, OK?
My response? Exactly what you’d expect:
No, it’s not okay that you won’t give me your name until we meet (that’s completely against my personal requirements for dating, even for dating once). No, it’s not okay that you tell me you’ve posted lies but I should believe you. And I’m a professional writer who writes personal experience, so I don’t agree not to write about you if we meet. I think it’s best not to meet after all.
Now I’m planning another trip to NY in July — should I try again?
Andy, 44, turned on by women 60+
I often hear from younger men who tell me they desire older women.
Sometimes their emails are short and consist of abbreviations (hey, guys, emails to me shouldn’t read like a tweet!), which makes me wonder how they would handle a slow-burning, older woman.
Occasionally they invite me to share a romp–or, in one case, a shower. Sorry, fellows, I’m flattered, but I need to get to know (and like) a man first.
Usually, though, they’re the kind of reader emails that I love: respectful and earnestly trying to gain useful information or share a story. For example, I recently heard from Andy, age 44, a British man who gave me permission to share what he wrote me:
I am exactly the type of man you so often write about. When I was just 15, I would look at my mother’s friends and fantasize. Later on at night I would lie in bed and imagine making love to them. I would conjure up scenarios in my mind and imagine the spontaneity and excitement of it all.
As I get older, I find myself wanting women of 60-plus. My mates think I’m strange, weird – some even think I’m sick. But what turns me on is not so much their physical appearance but that they are so turned on themselves during the course of our love making.
I would far rather make love to a highly excited 60-year-old woman than a drop-dead gorgeous figure of 22 years who acts like a mannequin.
Right now, I am finding myself flirting with an older woman yet again. She is 70 and clearly very sexually frustrated. She flirts with me and has said in no uncertain terms if she was 30 years younger she would be “hitting on me real hard.” Wow – I got so turned on when she said that. I think something might happen soon.
I suggest he tell her, “You don’t need to be 30 years younger — you’re perfect the way you are!”
Anything you’d like to say to Andy?
For more posts about younger men/older women, click here.
Big Sex Little Death by Susie Bright: book review
Sex. Drugs. Rock and roll. If that were the whole story of Big Sex Little Death
But this brilliant memoir is much more, revealing Susie’s own childhood abuse and her commitment to social and political activism as a high school drop-out, the underbelly of the cultural/ sexual/ political movement, the heady thrill of working to make a difference in the world, and the bewilderment of being betrayed by the people she least expected to betray her.
I knew Susie Bright as a sexuality writer, but until this book from Seal Press, I had no idea how smart and deep she was. She’s the historian that the sixties need — a clear-eyed view of protesters, activists (many emotionally damaged), and those who went along for the ride.
Yes, there’s plenty of sex, too, but for much of the book, it’s body parts that go bump, devoid of passion, emotional connection, or even pleasure. That’s part of the sixties political and sexual “revolution” that we’re embarrassed to admit now: women were expected to have sex freely but we weren’t supposed to expect our partners to have any clue about satisfying us. Still, part of Susie’s fantasy was true, at least some of the time:
Women wouldn’t be catty. No one would bother to be jealous. Who would have the time? Sex would be friendly and kind and fun. You’d get to see what everyone was like in bed. You’d learn things in bed… Exclusivity would be for bores and babies.
Susie doesn’t glamorize the sexual/feminist revolution or gloss over the deep disillusions when women fought each other (she got death threats for her pro-pornography stance), betrayed each other, and, through it all, loved each other.
For me, the most interesting part of Big Sex Little Death was the story behind On Our Backs, the lesbian magazine that Susie co-founded. Before On Our Backs, female models, from fashion ads to male magazine centerfolds, “were shot the same way kittens and puppies are photographed for holiday calendars: in fetching poses, with no intentions of their own.” In contrast, “The great relief of dyke porn,” writes Susie, “was that all that went out the window. We had an objective on our minds… we had a sexual story to tell.”
I hope these snippets encourage you to read Big Sex Little Death for yourself — it’s an engrossing read, and guaranteed to be more than you expect.
FYI, my favorite line from the book: “My dominatrix friend Tina once told me, ‘I’m not spanking Republicans anymore. I’ve had it.'”
Have you read Big Sex Little Death? I invite you to comment!
Senior Sex Activism: a Love Letter to My Readers
Welcome to Better Than I Ever Expected!
My book, Better Then I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty (Seal Press), will be out in January 2006. Please see here for a description of this sassy, sexy book combining my personal story with tips and tales from lusty, sexually seasoned women.
We’re proving that our society’s view of older women as sexless is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I’d like to invite you –whether or not you’re a woman over sixty — to participate in discussions of ageless sexuality. Please choose a first name of your choice and your age to identify yourself, and feel free to post comments and questions regarding this hot and important topic.
To start you out, what makes sex after sixty better than you ever expected, personally?
I’d like your candid views, and I hope you’ll express them respectfully so that all women will feel welcome to read and post, and won’t feel they’ve wandered into a sleazy place. Thank you, and welcome to our community!
Joan Price
In the past 5.5 years, so much has happened, personally and professionally. Better Than I Ever Expected and I received much media attention –we still do! — and I found myself the spokesperson for senior sex. What had started as a mission to normalize the idea of people over 60 enjoying sex and daring to talk out loud about it became a huge groundswell. I thank you for the part you played in this movement.
Thank you for making this blog a center of that movement by reading and commenting, showing other readers that we have a community of seniors and elders — men as well as women now! — discussing sex openly and respectfully in a manner that’s welcoming even to people who are not used to discussing their sex lives.
Because of you, one book led to the next one: Men said to me, “What about us?” and both men and women said, “Great that you’re celebrating senior sex, but I’m having a lousy sex life and here’s my problem….” I realized that my next book needed to be aimed at both genders, and needed to address the problems and offer solutions. It also needed to include your stories, because we’ve never shared our stories in public before.
Our youth-oriented society may still be saying “Ick!” to the idea of people our age getting naked, loving the pleasures our bodies can give us, loving each other (wrinkles and all!) and finding ways to stay sexually vibrant whether we’re partnered or not — but society can’t pretend it isn’t happening!
Thank you for that. I’m honored that you’ve chosen to join me in talking out loud about senior sex!
Warmly,
Joan Price
As always, I invite your comments!
