Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women
Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it’s such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can’t talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what’s going on. — Joan
In a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men’s sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:
Q: What don’t women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?
MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don’t really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It’s sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You’re still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn’t there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn’t work like it used to. And this isn’t just any part of the body. It’s a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.
Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden–and in many men this happens pretty suddenly–they’re in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then….nothing. Nothing happens.
Many don’t understand what’s happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.
Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That’s often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it’s the end of sex, that they’re over the sexual hill, that it’s all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis… if they ever adjust.
Q: Why can’t men express these concerns?
MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the “strong silent type,” to keep a “stiff upper lip,” to “grin and bear it.” In other words, to deny what they’re feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they’re less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don’t HAVE emotions because they don’t discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they’re less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.
The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they’re young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex “too” much, not be “too” easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don’t have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.
Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems–other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It’s almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don’t discuss their ED or EDis in part because it’s unimaginable–then it happens and they’re speechless.
To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he’s less of a man?
Q: When should a couple seek counseling?
There’s no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that’s when to consider counseling.
Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual–a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man–then I’d start with a sex therapist.
Personally, I’m a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That’s pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.
To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
Q: What if the man won’t go?
The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple’s issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.
Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.
G-Swirl: If you can get it open!
[This vibrator is no longer available, but I thought you’d still enjoy reading about my trials and tribulations trying to use it.]
Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me the G-Swirl.
ViboKit: Build your own rabbit
[10/18/12 update: I learned that this product has been discontinued
(sorry!), but I thought you’d get a kick out of this review anyway,
so I didn’t remove it. Enjoy!]
I love the idea of a “rabbit” vibrator that operates vaginally and clitorally at the same time. But if you’re like me, getting a vibrator designed for dual-action is hit or miss. If it hits the g-spot right, it misses the clitoris altogether. If it hits the clitoris just right, the vaginal action is all wrong. We’re all built differently. Wouldn’t it nice if you could build your own “rabbit” to your own dimensions?
With the ViboKit Upgrade Kit from Babeland, you can! This genius idea consists of a bullet (small, compact vibrator) in a rubbery home attached to a stretchable ring that fits around your dildo of choice. So you take the innie that works best for you, attach this outie, and voila — you have a rabbit vibrator that fits you. So cool!That’s the idea of the Upgrade Kit, and it mostly works.
This isn’t in the instruction sheet — oh wait, there is no instruction sheet, just a diagram on the side of the box — but before use, you have to remove the bullet from its snug home (just twist and pull a bit), open it, and remove the little paper over the watch batteries that is keeping it from vibrating in the UPS truck during shipping. The first time, I got a faulty bullet which wouldn’t turn on, whatever I did, and then when I left it alone for a while, it turned itself on and wouldn’t turn off. It just skittered around the room on its own. I had to unscrew it it to make it stop.
The sign of a great sex toy retailer is its customer service. The moment I reported the problem to Babeland, a new one was on its way to me. The new one works perfectly — it turns on when I press the button, stays on if I hold it down for a few seconds, and turns off the moment I press it again. So that first one was indeed defective and a fluke. I include this not to embarrass Babeland or ViboKit, but to assure you that the retailers I recommend stand behind their products 100%.
The kit has more than the bullet attachment, though that’s the whole reason I wanted it. It also has a nubby ring to put around your dildo for more sensation, and a suction cup (!) so you can attach the whole business to the bathtub or to a wall (I suppose) for hands-free operation for a photo op or to delight a partner. (“Honey, open the door verrrry slowly!”)
I didn’t trust the suction cup — I didn’t want it to come loose and break either the mood or my toys. So I tested it attaching my newly created rabbit to the shower wall with my hands ready underneath. It stayed on the wall. I turned on the bullet — it stayed on the wall. I turned on the dildo also — it stayed on the wall! I truly expected that it would shake loose and fall, and I would scoff at the whole idea — but it actually stuck. Hmmm! I have no wish to make love to the shower wall, so now all I need is some reason that I’d want to stick it to the wall.
“Forget the shower wall!” I hear you shout. “How did your homemade rabbit work?” It worked fine for what it was — a bullet attached to a favorite vibrator. It was easily adjustable and stayed where I wanted it. But the bullet itself just isn’t strong enough for me. It might be for you, though.
Thank you, Babeland, for helping me build my own rabbit. And at only $28 for the whole kit (as long as you already have a favorite dildo), how can you go wrong?
“You honor me when you do your work” — Robert to Joan
As much as I enjoy and believe in my work, it’s often hard to concentrate on writing my book with Robert gone. After more than a year and half, I still can’t breathe in and out without missing him mightily. He is always in my thoughts and in my heart.
Almost right up to the end of his life, Robert actively supported my dream of this book. “You’ve got to keep doing your work,” he told me earnestly, knowing he would not live to read it. During the last weeks that we were able to walk in the park together, we discussed this book—what would be in it, how it would expand on topics brought up in Better Than I Ever Expected
I would read him excerpts from emails and interviews that were coming in, and he would listen compassionately. Sometimes he would sit down in my study and start talking, and I would scramble to type what he said.
Although my beloved Robert died before this book could be written, it will be as much his as mine. “You honor me when you do your work,” I hear his voice telling me.
