Sex Toys for Older Men
We agreed that this information is too important to keep it under wraps until Naked at Our Age comes out in Spring 2011, so we’re rushing it out to those of you who can use it. “Sex Toys for Older Men” was published first in Good Vibrations Magazine, then here, with Charlie’s permission.
Sex Toys for Older Men
By Dr. Charlie Glickman
We’ve been getting some inquiries lately about sex toys for older men. I think it’s great when guys start exploring their sex toy options, and there are plenty to choose from.
One of the most common questions I hear from older men is “can a cock ring make my erection harder?” And the answer is “sort of.” Cock rings work by trapping blood in the penis, so they sometimes make one’s erection firmer or a bit larger while wearing it. Many men like the squeezing sensation that cock rings provide and they can also make orgasms more intense. Some men find that rings make them take longer to orgasm and others find that the extra sensations make it happen sooner, so you’ll need to experiment. Cock rings can be worn during solo sex or with a partner- if you want to use it during penetrative sex, you may need to move the snaps to the side so they don’t irritate your partner. And it’s worth noting that if you’re concerned about erection difficulties, it’s worth getting checked out by a sex-positive doctor first. With some medical conditions, cock rings can actually cause damage! Please read our info and safety tips here.
Sleeves are another great way to explore different ways to play, on your own or with a partner. If you tried one years ago and were disappointed, you should know that the technology has improved a lot. Some are pre-lubricated and disposable (great for traveling), others are high-tech with inner workings that are designed for maximum pleasure. There are silicone models, which are easy to clean, and elastomer versions, which are less expensive. Using a sleeve with a partner is a great way to add a little fun, especially when health issues or other concerns limit the kinds of sex they can do. Plus, it can be lots of fun for partners to watch you pleasure yourself and put on a show for them.
Let’s not forget how much fun prostate play can be! While some men have concerns about anal play, I always point out that where your nerve endings are has nothing to do with sexual orientation. And lots of guys have discovered that prostate massage feels great and can even help an reduce the size of an enlarged prostate. We have lots of prostate toys like the Aneros, the Naughty Boy, and the Pro Touch. If you’re curious, check out our info in exploring anal play and prostate play basics.
Although some folks have the idea that sex toys are just for women, I think it’s great when men let go of that and discover how many options they have. After all, that opens up plenty of new possibilities for you to experience pleasure, so don’t hold yourself back. You may be surprised at how much you enjoy them.
– Charlie Glickman, PhD, is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations . He offers workshops and classes on a wide range of sexuality topics including sex-positivity, sex & shame, sexual diversity and practices.
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex
2011 update: Naked at Our Age is a reality! Learn more and order an autographed copy.
from 2010:
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is the title of my new book that will be published by Seal Press a year from now, Spring 2011. If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve been reading about Naked at Our Age for a while as I solicited interviews from you and posted information and resources that I didn’t want to make you wait for. The subtitle, though, is brand new, just finalized today. I love it — do you?
Unless you’re an author yourself, you have no idea what goes into choosing the title of a book. Many publishers just decide on their own what to title a book, sometimes without even consulting the author until it’s a done deal. Seal Press, though, is an author’s dream of mutual respect and collaboration, and I love working with them. My earlier book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
We’ve been batting around subtitle ideas for a while, suggesting, rejecting, and tweaking — and today we settled on the title that truly describes what’s in this book.
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is a straightforward guide to the realities of senior sex — thanks to the stories of more than a hundred seniors and elders (maybe you were one of them!) who candidly described their sex lives and relationshps — with tips from about 30 experts for overcoming challenges and setbacks. I can’t wait to share it with you!
I’m talking as if it’s all written and just awaiting publication — but it’s not! I’m still writing it… and I’d better get back to that part of the job now! I just couldn’t wait to share my excitement about the title. I’d love to hear your reponses.
What I learned at the Museum of Sex, NYC
I was the oldest visitor perusing the exhibits at the Museum of Sex in New York City last Monday. At least I think so, but one of the unspoken rules of etiquette is that you stare at the exhibits, not at the other visitors. 
I visit this amazing museum every year when I go to NY. The regular collection is worth seeing each time — for example, a history of condoms exhibit which includes old condom vending machines and a dress made of condoms (rejected during factory testing, not used, thank you for asking), among many other sights.
The top floor always has a new exhibit. This time, it was The Sex Lives of Animals. Don’t scoff — this was fascinating! I learned that some animals masturbate (females as well as males, and not just mammals), have same-sex relationships, and have startling sex habits and attributes. But that was just the warm-up, so to speak. Ready for some startling facts about the animal kingdom?
Or that the penis of the Argentine lake duck measures 16.7 inches (42.5 cm)? That’s it here, hanging down from the duck and, on the right, curled up. I didn’t read how the female is built.Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women
Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it’s such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can’t talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what’s going on. — Joan
In a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men’s sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:
Q: What don’t women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?
MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don’t really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It’s sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You’re still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn’t there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn’t work like it used to. And this isn’t just any part of the body. It’s a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.
Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden–and in many men this happens pretty suddenly–they’re in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then….nothing. Nothing happens.
Many don’t understand what’s happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.
Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That’s often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it’s the end of sex, that they’re over the sexual hill, that it’s all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis… if they ever adjust.
Q: Why can’t men express these concerns?
MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the “strong silent type,” to keep a “stiff upper lip,” to “grin and bear it.” In other words, to deny what they’re feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they’re less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don’t HAVE emotions because they don’t discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they’re less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.
The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they’re young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex “too” much, not be “too” easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don’t have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.
Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems–other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It’s almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don’t discuss their ED or EDis in part because it’s unimaginable–then it happens and they’re speechless.
To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he’s less of a man?
Q: When should a couple seek counseling?
There’s no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that’s when to consider counseling.
Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual–a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man–then I’d start with a sex therapist.
Personally, I’m a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That’s pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.
To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
Q: What if the man won’t go?
The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple’s issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.
Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.