Here’s a reader question that will intrigue you! My response follows.

Q: I have recently started to have a physical relationship with a more mature woman. She happens to be 12 years my senior. I normally use lubricant because she is normally dry, regardless of how much foreplay we engage in. She has approached me about engaging in a small orgy. We were wondering if there would be any issues with a few men?

My response:

 By “any issues,” I can’t tell if you’re asking whether her vaginal dryness might be exacerbated by having intercourse with more than one man, or whether you’re concerned that enacting this fantasy might be emotionally problematic for her, for you, or for your relationship. Since I’m not sure which you’re asking, I’ll answer both.

It’s completely normal for women to need lubricant for sex as they age. A woman can be extremely aroused and still not lubricate the way she used to. You’re right to use lubricant, as you’ve discovered already. Prolonged intercourse – whether with one man or “a few” – will require frequent application of lubricant.

Besides the dryness, though, she may find the group sex she’s considering physically uncomfortable sooner than she expects because of the thinning of her vaginal walls. If you plan to go ahead with this scene, be sure everyone understands that not every sex act has to culminate in intercourse, and make sure the other men involved agree not to push that part of it.

For everyone’s health and safety, be sure that condoms and dental dams (or the female condom, which works for both uses) are within easy reach and used with every interaction. Don’t forego this because the other men insist that they are “safe.” Your sexual health and your partner’s are your own responsibility. (Please read the FAQ, “Six Basic Facts Seniors Need to Know about STIs”)

I can’t tell from your question whether your partner has had sex with multiple partners before and wants to do it again, or whether this is a fantasy of hers that you’d like to help her indulge. Don’t go into it lightly. Talk a lot first. Try roleplaying, just the two of you, pretending you have a third (or fourth) by “talking dirty” about what you’re fantasizing is going on. That may help you each understand what you’re imagining and wanting from expanding your relationship.

I could write pages about the issues to think about and talk about, how to negotiate what’s okay and what’s off limits, how to choose and invite new partners, how to test your fantasy in stages, how to make sure your partner (or any of you) can stop or leave if it doesn’t turn out to be right after all, how to care for each other afterwards.

As you see, I’m not moralizing – if you both really want this and it fits with your own beliefs, go into it thoughtfully and with plenty of dialogue and preparation.

If I’ve left you worried, frightened, or dismayed, then maybe this would be too big a step for your relationship to handle.

This question and my response were first published on the Safer Sex for Seniors website where this question was originally submitted — direct link to this Q &A here. Here’s what I wrote about this site when it first went live.


I’d love to know what my readers think about this topic and my response. Please comment!

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We women need lubricant as we age and our hormones are no longer providing enough natural lubrication for sexual comfort and pleasure. So many different varieties exist now that we’re not limited to what our local drugstore offers for “intmate care.” In fact, we’d do well to do our shopping in a woman-friendly sexuality shop — buying online if we’re not lucky enough to have such a a store close to home.

“The ingredients found in common drugstore lubricants are the same ingredients found at your local Jiffy Lube!” says Melissa Jochim, creator and formulator of Blossom Organics, a new line of vaginal lubricants and moisturizers using only natural, beneficial ingredients.

She explains, “As a mucous membrane, the vagina is quite absorbent. The ingredients commonly found in intimate care products can have questionable long-term effects on a woman’s health and well-being.These harsh ingredients disrupt the natural vaginal pH. In addition, these ingredients coat the vagina and have a drying effect on our natural moisture.”

Blossom Organics uses only naturally pure, female-friendly ingredients. No parabens, petrochemicals, silicones, glycerin, alcohol, hormones, pesticides, or artificial dyes/ flavorings/ fragrances.

OK, let’s get to the experience of these lubes. I was most eager to try the Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel. I had tried various so-called arousal or stimulating substances before, with varying success. Most provided a sort of mild, stinging sensation, not unpleasant or painful, but not what I’d call arousing. In any case, the sensation disappeared much too quickly for me to know whether they would hasten or intensify pleasure.
Blossom’s arousal gel felt pleasant enough, a mild tingle, not enough to make me squirm or hasten arousal that I could tell. It’s nice, I just didn’t feel anything special. I tried it several times with my favorite toys — I don’t know whether using it with a partner instead would alter my experience. (I know, it would alter every bit of my experience, but I’m talking about the effects of the gel.) Update May 2011: The effects of this gel intensify with continued use — I’m definitely getting more of a tingle from it than I did at first!

 

I really liked the Blossoms Organics Moisturing Lubricant — slick but not too slick, long lasting, never got tacky. Very nice indeed. The smell was pleasant — sort of spicy floral. Nothing artificial, just nice, slippery stuff that feels good, smells good, and lets you enjoy your experience, whether with a toy or a human partner. Use a smaller amount than you think you’ll need — a little goes a long way. This was my favorite of the bunch, and I plan to use it regularly.
I also liked the Warming Lubricant, with one caveat: I didn’t sense any particular “warming” effects — it was just a good lubricant. On the other hand, one reviewer at GoodVibes.com complained that it was “way too strong” and irritated her for a day. This surprised me. I know we experience sensations differently, but I’m bewildered that one woman would complain it burned when I didn’t even think it felt warming. Maybe someone can explain this to me.
Blossom Organics Moisturizing Lubricant, Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel, and Warming Lubricant are available from Good Vibrations, which also has all sorts of other goodies for your sexual pleasure.

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This blog has welcomed thousands of new readers since I first posted these tips in April 2006, so I’m posting them again for your pleasure. If you’d like a pretty, print-worthy, colorful page of these tips in .pdf format, email me and I’ll send them to you.

1. Slo-o-o-w-w down. Yes, it takes longer to warm us up. Fortunately, one of the best things about mid-life and later-life sex is the absence of urgency for our partners, also. They enjoy slow sex as much as we do! Make sex play last hours… or days.

2. Kiss and kiss. Kiss sweetly, passionately, quickly, slowly, contentedly, hungrily, lightly, sloppily. All kinds of kisses help you bond with your partner, warm up, and enjoy the moment.

3. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your own and your partner’s bodies. Jewelry, lingerie, feathers, fringe, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight–whatever looks good, feels good,

4. Do sexy things together long before you hit the sheets. Dance together. Visit lingerie or sex toy shops. Leave sexy notes in each other’s pockets. Give each other little gifts.

5. Do sexy things on your own to get yourself in the mood. Wear sexy lingerie under your everyday clothes. Work out. Swim. Dance. Fantasize. Write in your journal all the sexy things you want to do together. Spend some time humming with your vibrator.

6. Make love during high energy times. Midnight sex after a romantic meal may work for young folks, but we’re more likely to feel full, bloated, and ready to sleep. Instead, make sex dates in the morning or afternoon. (Why do you think they call it “afternoon delight”?)

7. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days. Lucky for us that sex toys are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!

8. Use a silky lubricant. We don’t have the natural moisture we used to, but there are many different lubricants that feel great and bring back the joy of friction. When your partner applies it, it becomes an erotic part of sex play.

9. Enjoy quality snuggle time before, during, and afterwards. Holding each other, feeling the warmth and texture of each other’s skin, is one of the sweetest and sexiest parts of making love.
10. Laugh a lot. Play silly games, invent special words, tease each other, rediscover your childhood together. Laughter is bonding, joyful, ageless–and sexy.

Want more ideas? Read my 7 Tips to Spice Up Your Sex Life post.

(These tips are copyright 2006 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)

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Fun is sexy. Create ways to incorporate fun into your relationship each day, and your laughter and silliness will relax you and reinforce your bond.

Robert and I had rituals, made-up words, silly secrets, and special games that warmed us with laughter, kept our intimacy strong, and made us feel like we were making love all day long. Silly things, sometimes – like “Panda.”

Robert and I used to exchange a tiny toy panda with paws that clutched tightly, permitting us to attach it to objects. I’d leave Panda attached to Robert’s shoelace, on his toothbrush handle, under his pillow, peeking out of his bathrobe pocket, even on top of the coffeepot — anywhere he’d find it unexpectedly and enjoy the surprise.
He’d do the same for me, leaving it in my key ring bracelet, on my sock, or clutching the edge of a vase of flowers he left in my bathroom. Every so often one of us would find a hiding place that was too good, and the other would go around the house calling, “Where’s Panda?” It was a cute game, so easy to do, and it nurtured the fun in our relationship.

Then when one of us would find Panda astride our favorite vibrator, or holding onto the lubricant nozzle, or on the pillow, little legs up, we’d understand the special invitation!

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