Q: I have recently started to have a physical relationship with a more mature woman. She happens to be 12 years my senior. I normally use lubricant because she is normally dry, regardless of how much foreplay we engage in. She has approached me about engaging in a small orgy. We were wondering if there would be any issues with a few men?
It’s completely normal for women to need lubricant for sex as they age. A woman can be extremely aroused and still not lubricate the way she used to. You’re right to use lubricant, as you’ve discovered already. Prolonged intercourse – whether with one man or “a few” – will require frequent application of lubricant.
Besides the dryness, though, she may find the group sex she’s considering physically uncomfortable sooner than she expects because of the thinning of her vaginal walls. If you plan to go ahead with this scene, be sure everyone understands that not every sex act has to culminate in intercourse, and make sure the other men involved agree not to push that part of it.
For everyone’s health and safety, be sure that condoms and dental dams (or the female condom, which works for both uses) are within easy reach and used with every interaction. Don’t forego this because the other men insist that they are “safe.” Your sexual health and your partner’s are your own responsibility. (Please read the FAQ, “Six Basic Facts Seniors Need to Know about STIs”)
I can’t tell from your question whether your partner has had sex with multiple partners before and wants to do it again, or whether this is a fantasy of hers that you’d like to help her indulge. Don’t go into it lightly. Talk a lot first. Try roleplaying, just the two of you, pretending you have a third (or fourth) by “talking dirty” about what you’re fantasizing is going on. That may help you each understand what you’re imagining and wanting from expanding your relationship.
I could write pages about the issues to think about and talk about, how to negotiate what’s okay and what’s off limits, how to choose and invite new partners, how to test your fantasy in stages, how to make sure your partner (or any of you) can stop or leave if it doesn’t turn out to be right after all, how to care for each other afterwards.
As you see, I’m not moralizing – if you both really want this and it fits with your own beliefs, go into it thoughtfully and with plenty of dialogue and preparation.
If I’ve left you worried, frightened, or dismayed, then maybe this would be too big a step for your relationship to handle.
This question and my response were first published on the Safer Sex for Seniors website where this question was originally submitted — direct link to this Q &A here. Here’s what I wrote about this site when it first went live.
I’d love to know what my readers think about this topic and my response. Please comment!
I ask this because I discovered from the interviews and reader stories that you’ll read in Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, many of us make some pretty drastic changes in our lives after age 50. Maybe we get divorced, discover love, open up our marriage, take a new lover, experiment with kink or multiple partners or virtual sex — or some combination of these or other alternatives.
The point is that although society sees us as settled into mid-life or old age, we’re far from “settled.” I think there’s something about emerging from menopause that makes us question where we want to be in our lives. Menopause often feels like an upheaval — I’ve described it before as “PMS on steroids” — where everything seems upside down. We don’t want to be responsible for remembering the whole family’s appointments, for example, and we might not be overly kind when we tell family members to take care of themselves.
After the upheaval settles, we see our lives differently. We realize that it’s now or never: it’s up to us to invent — or reinvent — what we want the rest of our lives to be, and what we have to do to actively go after our dreams.
I got so many stories from my Naked at Our Age interviewees about alternative sex practices that this topic became a whole chapter: “Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships.” People wrote about swinging, polyamory, BDSM, friends with benefits, older women/younger men (20-30 years difference!), phone sex, and more.
I predicted that younger readers would be shocked at what seniors are doing behind closed doors, and I should have guessed that it would shock our own age group, too. I’ve heard a couple of criticisms that this chapter and the one titled “Hiring Sensuality” (which I won’t tell you about — you have to read that one for yourself, and no, it’s not just men hiring sex!) make it sound like I’m endorsing or even pushing people towards alternative lifestyles.
I’m not pushing anyone into anything. I’m showing senior sex — behaviors and attitudes — in all its colors and stripes. Personally, I support adults doing with other consenting adults whatever brings them pleasure, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone — including the partners of those consenting adults. I have “vanilla” tastes myself, but that’s beside the point. The book is only partly about me. It’s really about you… and you… and you.
So back to my original question: What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond? By rules I mean society’s rules, the law, unspoken or spoken rules in a relationship, even your own rules. I’d love to see a dialogue start here. Please comment!
Learn more about Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex here.
I’ve emailed all of you whose stories appear in Naked at Our Age and all our experts about receiving a copy of the book. Several emails to my interviewees came back as undeliverable. If you should have received an email from me but didn’t, please email me now with your updated address. I hope you see this!
Order an autographed copy directly from me — be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it — by clicking the PayPal button below…
I am thrilled by the compelling reader stories and the immediately helpful advice and action tips from our experts. I know you will learn plenty and enjoy it thoroughly!
Sometimes their emails are short and consist of abbreviations (hey, guys, emails to me shouldn’t read like a tweet!), which makes me wonder how they would handle a slow-burning, older woman.
Occasionally they invite me to share a romp–or, in one case, a shower. Sorry, fellows, I’m flattered, but I need to get to know (and like) a man first.
Usually, though, they’re the kind of reader emails that I love: respectful and earnestly trying to gain useful information or share a story. For example, I recently heard from Andy, age 44, a British man who gave me permission to share what he wrote me:
I am exactly the type of man you so often write about. When I was just 15, I would look at my mother’s friends and fantasize. Later on at night I would lie in bed and imagine making love to them. I would conjure up scenarios in my mind and imagine the spontaneity and excitement of it all.
As I get older, I find myself wanting women of 60-plus. My mates think I’m strange, weird – some even think I’m sick. But what turns me on is not so much their physical appearance but that they are so turned on themselves during the course of our love making.
I would far rather make love to a highly excited 60-year-old woman than a drop-dead gorgeous figure of 22 years who acts like a mannequin.
Right now, I am finding myself flirting with an older woman yet again. She is 70 and clearly very sexually frustrated. She flirts with me and has said in no uncertain terms if she was 30 years younger she would be “hitting on me real hard.” Wow – I got so turned on when she said that. I think something might happen soon.
I suggest he tell her, “You don’t need to be 30 years younger — you’re perfect the way you are!”
Anything you’d like to say to Andy?
For more posts about younger men/older women, click here.