Posts Tagged ‘reader story’
I Asked, You Answered, Part 1
In a recent newsletter, I asked my subscribers these seven questions regarding senior citizen sex:
1. If you’re in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?
2. If you’re in a relationship that’s less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?
3. If you’re single or non-monogamous and dating, what is your safer sex policy? How do you discuss this with a new partner?
4. In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you’d like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?
5. What’s the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, “You’re the kind of person I want to go to bed with — but not the kind of person I want to wake up with.”
6. What would you like to learn about sex and aging this year?
7. What else should I have asked?
I got such a huge response to Question #1 that I’m devoting the rest of this post to excerpts from your answers. A later post will address the other 6 questions. (You’re welcome to add your answers to questions 2-7 in the comments or by emailing me here.)
* My wife and I married in 1968. I believe that sexual satisfaction comes from sexual growth through constant trial and error experimentation. This leads to a constantly evolving sex life. We must be willing to try new things as long as no one is being hurt. Some will be good experiences and some bad. Keep the good and discard the bad. If we’re afraid of making a mistake and have a high aversion to risk, we automatically limit our chances of succeeding or improving.
* At 55, we’ve been married almost 33 years. Both partners need to actively choose to keep their relationship spicy and active. Both have to be honest and frank about their desires. Don’t be freaked out if you disagree on what you’d like to do. Just treat it like every other issue you’ve disagreed on through the years: listen, suggest, compromise, and give it time.
* I am 70 and my wife is 66, married for over 50 years. Somewhere we lost the spark. I had been taking meds that affected my erection or lack of. Intercourse was impossible. Then I got a penis pump that Medicare paid for. The thing looked unromantic and embarrassing to use, but with the help of “Sucker Sam,” I got an erection that I could maintain and have intercourse. Now my wife really wants sex with me! She wears sexy outfits, we turn on mood lighting and music, smoke some medical herb, and break out the massage cream. We are having the best sex of our lives. I think the real key to all this is the extreme intimacy we both experience. As we put it, “Our souls touch.”
* Schedule sexual intimacy, and persistently but gently keep to the schedule, because at our age our hormones are no longer adequate to propel us spontaneously towards sexual activity.
* We’re 74, and for the last 15-20 years we have not felt the need to spice things up to maintain our sexual interest. Sex for us is about celebrating our being together, being alive with each other, and our deep caring and love for each other. We have a ritual that involves perhaps 20 minutes of foreplay leading to a few minutes up to 10 or so of intercourse, with strong orgasms for both of us. At the end it’s less about physical pleasure and more the elation of saying we are still here, we can still express our love physically, and isn’t that incredible?
* We are in our early 70s, married for over 50 years. Despite our many physical limitations, we have found ways to have an active and fulfilling sex life by using advice we have read in our sex library: sex toys, positioning pillows, timing taking of meds, and planning early morning encounters before meals interfere and energy sags. Two years ago we decided to focus on improving our sex lives from mediocre to more active, frequent and satisfying. We found a saying, “A better sex life does take some work. Couples who put effort into their sex lives have stronger relationships.” We assembled a library of sex related books (we have all of yours!) and spent much time studying and discussing them. There is so much information available today that was not just a few years ago.
* We began using sex toys (I like that you call them “tools” which is really what they are) and Liberator positioning pillows. We decorated our bedroom to provide a better romantic atmosphere.
We found that the more you have sex, the more you want it and your body will adjust to enable it. We learned from our reading that when physical problems develop (sexual or otherwise), there are methods to help overcome and improve the deficiencies and this gives us confidence, which helps to keep the sexual union relaxed and enjoyable. Also exercise and diet and general good health habits are important. We are having the best time and only regret that we did not make sex more of a priority before.
* At 60, I have found that the best thing is to continue to put the other partner first. In every matter, not just the sensual. I know that if I put my woman’s needs, wants, and desires before my own, that I will be well rewarded by a partner who feels the same way.
* I am a T2 diabetic, and neuropathy is robbing me of my sensitivity “down there.” We talked about the Pulse you reviewed — this opened the lines of communication. Push the limits of your sex life outside the box. Keep pushing your comfort zone. Don’t let ‘age’ stop you from experimenting and exploring. You’ll be surprised at what you can do, and feel, even at our age.
* Ask your partner if they would like to try new things, like toys or role playing. For instance, I asked my wife if she would like to spank me. This thought had never occurred to her. She considered spanking as a punishment, not as playful foreplay. We discussed how hard to strike (sensual spanking should sting a little, not leave welts), what areas of the body to spank (only the buttocks and upper thighs), and how long before the safe word came out (I always quit right after the orgasm). After a couple of trial and error sessions, she found that she enjoys playfully spanking me, as I enjoy spanking her. There is no punishment meant on either side; this is meant for playful pleasure.
* As my husband and I worked to overcome a crisis in our marriage, one thing that truly helped me ease off all the pressure I was putting on him was your writings, Joan, on Facebook and your newsletter. To read an expert telling me that masturbation was REAL sex; oral sex was REAL sex; sex with sex toys to enable us to orgasm was REAL sex? Holy shit. I realized I was having quite a bit of REAL sex, and I didn’t recognize it. I thought that because I couldn’t orgasm with intercourse anymore (it was never easy), or because sometimes I had to finish myself off alone, after 20 minutes of my husband doing everything in his power to make me come, that our sex life was deficient and substandard. How sad is that?! Two people who love the hell out of each other, are utterly compatible and fit together like puzzle pieces, thinking that they’re defective because their sex life didn’t fit the old notion of what “sex” was. I thought we were all wrong. You said we were right. In doing so, you freed me from feeling inadequate, broken, defective and damaged. My mental state, my physical state, and above all, my husband and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!
22-year-old man: “How to approach older women?”
Jan. 23, 2016 update: I’m getting so many questions on this subject. I get emails from younger men — mostly age 18 to 30ish — who are attracted to older women (usually 60+). So I’m resurrecting this earlier post and inviting comments from both young men about what attracts them to older women and from older women about how a younger man can find them and make contact. Are any of the online dating sites especially good to help younger/older connect?
Note: I am NOT matchmaking here, though many young men have begged me to post their email addresses or phone numbers. No, I won’t do that. And guys, please don’t ask me personally to hook up with you! That kind of request — yes, I do get them — feels creepy, and I won’t even answer to tell you to stop it. Just stop it. And no, I don’t want to know how big or hard your penis is or how long it can perform — and I really don’t want to see a photo of it. Just. Stop. It.
So, that said — most of the people who ask for help are sincere, respectful, and sensitive to their partner’s desires and pleasure. Realize that our age and experience has not turned us into an alien species — treat us like valued human beings, interesting for more than sex.
Leopardy is a 22-year-old male in Australia who likes older women. He emailed this story to me:
I’ve had 2 women in my life (sexually only). Great fun, I must admit, but it tears you apart when the bad has to come up. I like older women for their maturity and for their gorgeous features, such as lips, hips, legs, and fragrance, mmmmmmm. I admit I find it rather hard to find the perfect older woman as they all tend to lead me on then shoot me off which hurts like hell.
I met a woman online back in 2004. After 3 months chatting I gave her my details and she came up here. We had sex, and then she really got abusive and threatened me with police threats etc. She told her so-called friends about me and said what a pathetic useless peice of shit I was.
I’d like to know how to approach older women. I just want a woman that can understand me, one that takes me for who I am and NOT degrade me in any way.
Thank you for been so supportive and having a wonderful site. I can’t even recall how I got hold of your site, but I was amazed and immediately added it to my favourites.
Leopardy, I encourage you to get to know the older women who attract you before you jump into bed with them. Those who are looking for quick fun probably won’t value you the way you want. It’s fine to seek a match online, but if you seem to connect, please take some time dating and becoming friends so that you know who she is and she knows you.
That might mean you don’t get the instant pleasure and excitement of sex with a stranger who seems to fit your fantasy, but if what you’re looking for is a respectful relationship, that takes time to unfold and nurture.
That doesn’t answer your question about how to approach older women. I’ll repeat the suggestions I gave Sean:
- Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she’ll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she’s misreading yours, so keep her talking.
- Don’t rush things along — she wants to know that she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.
- Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she’s saying.
- Lean towards her to give the body signal that you’re interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.
- After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there’s a connection, you might ask her outright: “I wonder if there’s any reason I should not ask you out.”
- If she says, “I’m old enough to be your mother,” you can ask, “I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?”
If you’re really brave, carry a copy of one of my books. When she asks about the book, say something like, “I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better — in all ways.”
I’d love to hear from readers about this topic. I know many readers come to my blog seeking information about older women/younger men relationships, so please contribute yours.
— Joan
Me, Dan Savage, and Two 70-year-old, Lust-Crazed Cousins
8/19/14 update: I originally wrote this post on June 25. I’m moving it to the top of my blog because I’m a guest on the Savage Lovecast episode 408 that airs today, and I expect many Dan Savage fans to visit this blog for the first time out of curiosity. In the 8/19 podcast, Dan refers to a scolding that I gave him. This blog post is the scolding/ spanking he’s talking about. Enjoy!
Too far outside your wheelhouse?” began Dan Savage‘s message to me. He sent me an email from a reader who wanted advice. Because the reader was 70 years old, Dan thought I’d be the right person to help him respond.Here’s my interpretation of what I read:
A 70-year-old woman has been crazy with lust over her female cousin for the past 50 years! It turns out, the cousins discover now, that they both feel the same way! Bring it on! But since they’re both inexperienced in the ways of lesbian sex, they decide it would be cool to get a third woman in on this, to guide the experience so that the first time is stellar. Their fantasy is that Cousin #1 would watch Cousin #2 and their #3 at first, then join in.Their question: How to find this third?
What did I actually read? This:
I’m a bit out of your demographic, agewise (I’m 70), but I am still an avid reader. This is true, not a Penthouse letter. My cousin and I have flirted and joked about getting it on together for about 50 years or more. Now, she’s divorced and having the time of her life. She told me the other day, what she’d really like is to have a “lesbian experience” with me watching and then joining. I’m so crazed with lust that I’m having a hard time thinking straight. This is a kinky dream come true. I love oral sex and with two pussies to eat, etc., the whole thing sounds just great. What I don’t know is how to contact someone to do this. I don’t want someone who’s got a disease, or someone with a boyfriend just waiting to break in and rob everyone. Or someone truly horrific for any number of reasons. How do I contact, and then arrange such a thing? How would I ensure that my concerns are dealt with? Is using an escort services any guarantee of any degree of safety? Boy, I would just love some good advice. Got any for me? If you answer, you can call me… Old But Alive.
What’s wrong with this picture? Just the gender of the letter writer, that’s all. Turns out that my assumption that Cousin #1 (C#1) is female was wrong, wrong, wrong. C#1 is a man.
Dan knew that. I didn’t. It never occurred to me that I had the gender wrong. He didn’t realize that I didn’t know.
So I sent my advice, which included:
- “I hope you’re indulging that lust with plenty of hot talk, make-out sessions, and role-playing as you figure out how to make your fantasy a reality.” (Good advice.)
- “Start hanging out at lesbian bars and other social venues. Don’t go in aiming to pick someone up right off the bat—you don’t want to come across as predatory and creepy. Instead, go on a date with your cousin, dance, chat up women who are friendly. You could make great connections if you’re open and take your time.” (Good advice if C#1 is a woman. Horrible, clueless, shudder-worthy advice since he’s a man. No, no, no.)
- “Another way to go, as you suggested, is to hire someone. The advantage of a paid escort is that you can choose the woman and spell out exactly what fantasy you want her to provide. She’ll be experienced, creative, and totally focused on your pleasure.” (The best advice of all.)
Dan sent me back a quick email that he disagreed with some of what I said, but he didn’t tell me what. I was puzzled — what could he possibly disagree with?
I thought it was obvious the letter writer was male — his cousin wanted a lesbian experience, which he couldn’t provide. That’s why they needed a third and he would watch while the cousin had her lesbian experience, then join in. And he mentioned having two pussies to play with… not three.
So, that’s the story, and now I can breathe more easily and sleep tonight. Now that I see it all in perspective, it’s pretty funny that I jumped to the conclusion that the letter writer was female. I can laugh about it now.
While I’m on the subject, finding a paid escort is less problematic than you’d think via the Internet or referrals – these women have found ways to advertise their availability, or they wouldn’t be in business. Kendra Holliday, who describes herself as a sex worker from St Louis, tells me, “You can track down sex workers in your area online and run your scenario by them. If the sex worker is not into that kind of thing, she can float it by her network. Word-of-mouth is a powerful tool in the sex worker realm.”
Thank you, Dan Savage, for all you do to create a sex-positive world! (See my review of Dan’s book, American Savage, along with a gratuitous photo of his husband Terry in a swimsuit, here.) While you’re at it, do subscribe to the paid version of his Savage Lovecast — it’s well worth the small subscription fee to get almost 1.5 hours of Dan every week.
62-year-old Woman Seeks Man for Sex
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| Lucy, age 62 |
Lucy, a 62-year-old woman from Santa Fe, NM, wrote to me:
Joan—I’m bisexual and have always loved sex with men. Unfortunately as I age, I find men in my age group don’t have much interest in getting right to sex — they just want to “date”—interminably.
If there were just places where a woman could safely buy a man’s time, tell him what she wants, and then complete the transaction I would totally do that. I did find Cowboys4Angels, which advertises “Straight Male Escorts For Women,” but the closest one is in Las Vegas.
Am I crazy? Why is it men can buy sex anywhere but women have to “date”? And yeah, I know I’m old, but I’ve been asking this question for decades. I don’t want the man, I want the fucking (and I swear this is a legit letter). Please answer.
I went first to my colleagues and followers on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where I can always count on a community willing to share knowledge, opinions, and experiences. Here are some of their suggestions:
One reader wrote, “I’ve heard men from Rentboy.com — which is a gay male service — say they either happily take female customers already, or they would be happy to take female customers.”
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| Sabrina Morgan |
Sabrina Morgan, sex and dating coach and sex workers’ rights advocate, agrees. “Contacting a guy on Rentboy.com and asking if he’s comfortable with female clients is a great first step, as is looking for straight male escort directories. There’s ConciergeDuMonde.com, which has several reputable independents.”
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| Hercules Liotard |
How do you find an escort? “If you do a web search for ‘straight male escorts’ or (although I hate the term) ‘gigolos’ and the closest large city, you will get various agencies and independent providers that will come up in your area,” suggests Hercules Liotard, The Pleasure Coach.
You said you wanted full-on partner sex, but if you or other readers would enjoy an erotic, intimate massage (highly recommended, as you’ll read in Naked at Our Age!), check out providers like Hercules, who is based in Los Angeles. Search “intimate massage” and your city to find a provider near you.
Whether you’re hiring an intimate massage practitioner or an escort, Hercules has this advice about safety:
The number one key factor for women who hire men for sex is the trust factor. Is this person safe? When talking with the women I work with, this comes up almost every time in the conversation. They chose me because my site was inviting and interesting. I answered their questions and concerns in advance and did not try to rush them into an appointment. I had reviews and a good standing in the community, and that all made them feel safe.
So I would say that any woman should look for these same qualities when contacting anyone. Shop around!
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| Pamela Madsen |
Pamela Madsen, Sex and Intimacy Coach and Co-Director of Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, shared these thoughts:
Many women work with Sacred Intimates, Escorts or Sexological Body Workers. It’s not so underground anymore! The rules for sexual interaction change from man to man and practice to practice. Sexological Body workers can provide an amazing experience for women who want to experience one-way touch in a very safe environment with boundaries. Women who are looking for two-way touch experiences such as intercourse and oral sex would be better served by working with a Sacred Intimate or an Escort.
No matter who a woman chooses to work with, it’s important for her to find out the practitioner’s boundaries, STD status, and get references — as well as find out about pricing ahead of time. Many female sex coaches, like myself, work with men who work erotically with women, and can provide direction and referrals.
Do you have to hire someone if you want a sexual encounter? No. You can find casual sex online with like-minded partners without hiring a professional. Craigslist has a personals ads category titled “Casual Encounters.” (Yes, there’s a Sante Fe section, Lucy.) Some of the ads are pretty raunchy, others are straightforward (“looking for…”), and some are quite plaintive (“not much sex from my partner no matter how much energy I put out”). You can search by age if you wish.
Personally, I’d feel nervous and vulnerable using Craigslist for a casual encounter, because you don’t know anything about the person placing the ad, but clearly most people do get the results they want, or it wouldn’t be as popular as it is. Do I sound unnecessarily cautious, readers?
Sometimes approaching a man whom you meet in your daily life can lead to an interesting and satisfying connection. Seth, a man of our age, emailed me to share his experience:
My casual sex partner is a lady who walked up to me while eating dinner at a restaurant and asked if I could give her a ride home. Wonderful conversation, and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come in. Conversation continued, and when I got up to leave, she asked if I would like to stay. I did.
We have both continued our connection. It’s very straightforward. She calls and asks if I would like some loving. There are times I’ll say no. Both of our needs get met. We don’t discuss our connection with anyone. So delightful to walk in with sex on both of our minds. Clothes come flying off. We both enjoy our sexuality. Then we both go back to running our businesses.
What didn’t work is a woman who sat down next to me and started a conversation that made it clear she was hitting on me. “Gigolo?” she asked. That felt strange to me and I didn’t pursue that line of conversation.
A reader who wishes to remain unnamed recommends AdultFriendFinder.com,a huge sex site with 55 million members that aims to help you find “worldwide sex dates, adult matches, hookups and fuck friends.” My reader says,
I was 61 when I started “playing” with AdultFriendFinder. But, of course, you have to be very good at vetting the men who e-mail you. If you do a good job of vetting, you will find that there are a lot of very nice men on there who want to give a woman pleasure, as well as getting their own pleasure, with no strings attached.
Also, you can find no strings attached sex on some of the free regular dating sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. One of the interesting things is that there are so many younger men who are looking for older women. On POF, I found a 31-year-old with whom I had a 4-month dalliance, until he found a woman he wanted to marry, then he broke it off with me. He was very sweet.
I asked several of the younger men who e-mailed me why they were interested in a woman who is so much older than they are. They all gave pretty much the same reasons: “Older women don’t play games. Older women know how to please a man. Older women are comfortable in their bodies.” Yup, we are hot stuff!
“Hot stuff” indeed! Let us know how your quest turns out, Lucy!
I welcome your comments, but I do not permit solicitation or attempts to draw my readers to sites for porn, escorts, or any retail sites I have not vetted. If you wish to advertise on this blog to reach our sex-positive seniors, email me. Don’t try to submit a comment aiming to get free advertising for a site I haven’t approved. It won’t work, and it makes me extremely cranky.