Want to make some changes in your sex life?
These New Year’s Resolutions will make a big difference,
and they’re easy and fun to put into action.
Redefine Sex. The ways you used to have sex are no longer possible or pleasurable now? Don’t let that close off your sexual expression. Instead, expand your definition of sex to include all the activities that arouse you and bring you sexual pleasure now, partnered or solo. Embracing a new definition of sex expands your possibilities for pleasure. Read this account of Shamus MacDuff’s experience and view my most popular webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”
Track the Tingle. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most sexually responsive. When you feel the “tingle” – that quiver of erotic possibility – set aside time to indulge yourself sexually or schedule that time on your next free day.
Use High Quality Lubricant. A lubricant that keeps you moist and slick will increase comfort and intensify your pleasure. Use lube liberally both solo and with a partner, and reapply frequently. See my “Senior’s Guide to Lubrication” for how to choose your lube. Purchase from one of the vetted retailers you’ll find advertising on my blog, not the drugstore brands.
Self-Pleasure Frequently. Solo sex is real sex, and it’s good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. Give yourself sexual pleasure, whether you’re in a relationship or not. You’re celebrating your body’s ability to give you exquisite pleasure.
Enjoy Sex Toys. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm. A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm. This blog is full of vibrator reviews from a senior perspective. View my “Sex Toys for Seniors” webinar for more. Read the many sex toy reviews on this blog.
Celebrate Responsive Desire. This is for you if you enjoy sex when you do it, but you rarely feel desire in advance. You’re experiencing “responsive desire”: your desire follows sensations of pleasure and physiological arousal instead of preceding it. So get started, open yourself to pleasure and stimulation, and your desire will kick in.
Exercise Before Sex. Increasing your blood flow with physical activity isn’t only good for the heart and muscles — it’s also good for sexual function and pleasure. One of the best things we can do to speed up arousal and orgasm is regular exercise, especially before sex. Jumpstart your exercise program with “fitness minutes” from The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book.
Sex Before Food. Eating before sex sends the blood flow to your digestive system instead of your genitals. Have sex first, then eat. Sexual arousal will be easier, orgasms will be more reliable, and you will relish that meal afterward.
Indulge Your Erotic Imagination. Fantasize, read erotica, view films that turn you on. Don’t judge yourself for the kinds of images, fantasies, or private thoughts that get you revved up. Your brain is your most powerful sex organ. For more about fantasies, read Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want. For an anthology of erotica by authors over 50 featuring steamy characters over 50, read Ageless Erotica!
Use Your Words. Learning to talk about sex is the key to getting what you want. A long-term partner is likely to continue doing what used to work, even if it doesn’t work for you now, unless you redirect the action. A new partner is wants to know how to please you. Speak up. Do your partner the favor of revealing what turns you on and what you’re in the mood for.
Have Sex More Often. Difficulty with arousal and orgasm is a good reason to have more sex, not less. The penis and the clitoris require blood flow for engorgement. The more you engage in stimulation – partnered or solo — the more easily the blood flows to the genitals.
Use Safer Sex. If you’re sexual with new partners, use barrier protection. Many people with sexually transmitted infections (STIs) either don’t know or don’t tell. Use barrier protection (condoms for intercourse and fellatio, dental dams for cunnilingus) every time. Learn more from my entertaining free video, “Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price.”
Schedule Weekly Orgasms. If we waited until sex happened spontaneously, we might never have another orgasm. Schedule sex at least weekly, partnered or solo. The sexy anticipation –mental foreplay! — makes it even hotter when it happens.
Enlist Help. If you’re having sexual problems in your relationship, see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor. Therapy will help you identify the underlying issues, teach you how to communicate more effectively, and give you new strategies.
Talk to Your Doctor. Difficulty with arousal, erections, orgasm, or pain requires medical attention. If your doctor is dismissive or unable to help, ask for a referral to someone who is more knowledgeable about your concern and more accepting of you as a sexual being.
Learn, Learn, Learn. Read the books and websites that offer reliable information about sex and aging. Take online classes and webinars. For an educational and explicit treat, watch the award-winning “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex,” which I co-created.
Which of these are you already doing?
Which ones will you put into action this year? Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
(This article first appeared in a slightly different form in my Senior Planet column, Jan. 8, 2018.)