Posts by Joan Price
“Tell Me What You Want” by Justin Lehmiller: book review
Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. is the book we’ve all needed, even if we didn’t know it. We all have sexual fantasies, but we don’t usually share them with others, even our own partners. Many of us agonize about what our fantasies say about us, or we struggle (unsuccessfully) to repress them.
What Is a Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake that ultimately turns you on … Simply put, a fantasy is a conscious thought that makes you feel all hot and bothered, and maybe gets some blood flowing to your genitals, too.
In this barrier-smashing book, sex researcher Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans, ages 18 to 87, who answered 350 detailed questions about themselves, their sex lives, and their sex fantasies. The result is a solidly researched book that answers questions you probably have, such as these:
- How common is my sex fantasy?
- Does my fantasy mean that I’m a bad person?
- What sorts of people have fantasies like mine?
- Should I tell my partner about my fantasy?
- What should I consider before acting out my fantasy?
- What do other people fantasize about?
- What are the most common fantasies?
My biggest problem reviewing Tell Me What You Want is that it’s so good that I don’t know how to narrow down what I tell you about it. Look at all these Post-Its! Instead of summarizing or interpreting Lehmiller’s points, here are some of them in his own words:
- Multipartner Sex: The results of my investigation reveal that the single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today is — drum roll, please — group sex … perhaps the most normal thing there is to fantasize about because almost everyone has been turned on by the thought of it.
- Men and women are not polar opposites when it comes to their sexual psychology … most of the things that men fantasize about, women fantasize about as well.
- Our sexual fantasies appear to be carefully designed to meet our psychological needs — and because those needs change and evolve over our life span, it seems that our sexual fantasies naturally adjust in order to accommodate them.
- There’s a world of difference when it comes to what turns someone on at [different] life stages … older adults — especially those in long-term, monogamous relationships — are more likely to crave something fresh and new … like an orgy or an open relationship.
- According to my survey data, if there’s one specific person who’s likely to appear in your sexual fantasies, it’s your current romantic partner.
- When we feel ashamed or guilty about what turns us on, it can potentially lead to sexual performance difficulties … the more negative emotions [survey participants] reported — things like guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, and disgust — the more sexual problems they had.
- When the novelty of a new relationship has worn off, adding new and exciting elements to your sex life by acting on your fantasies can potentially prevent passion from subsiding and allow it to keep burning.
There’s more, so much more. Whether you’re interested in the world of sex research, or you just want to understand your own sex fantasies better, or you’re looking for tips for communicating better with your partner, I know you’ll enjoy and learn from Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, as I did.
I Asked, You Answered, Part 2
In my newsletter a few months ago, I asked my subscribers several questions. The response was so huge that I devoted an entire blog post to the answer to the first question: “If you’re in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?” Read my readers’ answers here.
If you’re in a relationship that’s less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?
* I wish she’d realize how difficult it is for me when I’ve tried romantic stuff and she doesn’t respond. I wish she allow herself to get turned on like she used to in her 30s.
* I’m 67, in a heterosexual relationship with a peer, 68, who has chronic back pain with acute flare ups which he fears and dreads. His solution for sex – on back, still as possible – leaves me frustrated. His anxiety has affected me, and I’m wondering how to speak up. Friends have suggested sex toys. I’d like to lose my own inhibitions and ask for more foreplay.
* I’m in a relatively new relationship that was interrupted by breast cancer that required a mastectomy. Months after her final chemo treatment, there is no further evidence of cancer. The drugs that suppress estrogen also suppress libido. We are on uncertain ground. It’s difficult to talk about, because it is such a change from pre-cancer romance. I’m not sure what it is we are talking about some of the time: is it the shock of having had cancer, exhaustion from trying to get back up to speed at work, drug effects, or is it actually the relationship? All the things that used to work, don’t. It’s like we’re starting from scratch with a lot of baggage added. She once expressed her sense of how this relationship has gone for her as, “We were dating. Then I got cancer and everything focused on that. While you were looking after me the relationship grew deeper for you; for me it disappeared. Now I’m back and we are in very different places.” Patience is the key for both of us. Psychological recovery takes longer than physical healing, we both know that. Yes, I’m in love with her and I know she loves me; she says it often.
In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you’d like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?
* My sexual appetite and lack of inhibition are stronger than my husband’s. Part of me — the randier side of me — thinks it would be cool to have another partner. But my husband is emphatic that that would be grounds for divorce. It’s not worth it to me at this time to pursue it. Sometimes I believe that it’s attractive because, after 33 years, it’s just different.
* I am involved now with a man who identifies as polyamorous. I’ve been strictly a one man gal, and it’s been an eye opening experience to process this new paradigm. I love him, but only time will tell whether I can live a lifestyle that is so foreign to me. As I age, I am more sexually comfortable, adventurous and voracious! As a young woman I was painfully shy, inhibited, and sure I wasn’t attractive. Now I feel strong, capable, sexy, attractive and free to express myself sexually and sensually. As challenging as my current relationship is, I have never had richer, more vibrant, freeing conversations with any man I have been involved with. It is a gift, and no matter what happens, I will always appreciate what this man has brought to my life.
What’s the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, “You’re the kind of person I want to go to bed with — but not the kind of person I want to wake up with.”
* My marriage before it ended: “Not only do I have to have sex with you, but I’m supposed to enjoy it?”
* “You’re too fat to fuck.” Still smarts after all these years.
What else would you like me to know?
* I want to learn how to love without fear, without clinging to the safety of old thinking. How to love extravagantly, with respect at all times for myself and my partner(s).
* I enjoy sex more now at age 66 because after many years, I’m more into the total experience that each encounter brings. When I was young, it was me and my partner getting to the big “O”. Now, it’s so much more. The passion, while still there, is not the rip off your clothes type passion. It’s the patience, if you will, of taking our time and enjoying each other’s bodies. It’s the expression of love and the communication that wasn’t there years ago. It’s the candles flickering in the darkness of the room. It’s the kissing and caressing. It’s the change that comes with each love making session. It’s our willingness to explore different “toys” and lubricants. Can we move and get into positions like 20 years ago – of course not. But what we can and do now that we didn’t do before is we can totally love, accept and appreciate each other for what we are. Seniors who take every bit of love making to the fullest every time.
Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!
Womanizer Starlet
Until now, I’ve felt that the Womanizer clitoral stimulators got better with each new version. I’ve reviewed four of them here — be sure and read these reviews to understand the lovely, suction-like, “pressurized air puff” technology and how it feels:
- 2017: Womanizer Plus and 2Go (my favorites!)
- 2016: Womanizer W500
- 2015: Womanizer W100
But the latest mini-Womanizer, the Starlet, disappoints. I really wanted to love it, because I travel a lot, and the idea of packing a tiny (3″ long and pretty much weightless) yet powerful sex toy is appealing. However…
The biggest problem for me is the design of the cap. I can’t tell whether the issue is the size or the shape, but with lubricant, it slips right off the clitoris. My favorite Womanizers — Plus and 2Go (AKA “the lipstick”) — come with a choice of two caps, so you can choose the one that fits and feels best. The Starlet only comes with one, and the part that encircles the tip of the clitoris is smaller and a slightly different shape (photo below). Without lubricant, it doesn’t slip, but hey, at our age, we need lubricant.
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| Caps L to R, Plus – 2Go – Starlet |
The Womanizer website describes the Starlet this way:
Every woman has the right to experience intense orgasms. Everywhere! With the practical format of the Starlet the high-end technology of the original Womanizer is also available on the go. This mobility combined with the modern design make the Womanizer a perfect companion, especially for women, who are still at the beginnings of their sexual development but nonetheless care about a patented premium product.
Uh, no. If you’re a beginner to sex toys (and I know that many of my readers are), you deserve a product that will rock your world, not one that makes you go, “Er, how is this supposed to work?” or “Is that all?” The site also claims that you’ll reach orgasm in just a few minutes. I wish!
It also claims to be quiet. Only if you don’t use lube. Otherwise, it’s noisy. It sounds like it’s slurping lubricant through a straw like we used to suck up that last drop of milkshake in 1958. Normally, I don’t care about sound — I love the Magic Wand and the Sybian, and they’re about the noisiest orgasm tools available. But an itty bitty travel companion should not be noisy.
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| L to R: 2Go – Starlet – Plus |
My recommendations:
- For home use, the big Womanizer Plus. Powerful. Fabulous.
- For travel, the 2Go. Yes, it’s a little bigger than the Starlet, but still small enough for travel.
If price is a big issue, the Starlet is considerably cheaper than the other models. That would be great if it worked almost as well, but at least for me, it doesn’t. As always, your mileage may vary.
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| Sharing moments of hilarity with Educator Andy at CatalystCon 2018 |
Thank you, Educator Andy from Good Vibrations, for the Womanizer Starlet and for always supporting my mission as a senior sex educator and advocate.
Talk to Me about Senior Invisibility
I’m collecting examples of age prejudice for an upcoming talk. Comment here or email me with the subject header “Invisible.” I won’t use your name if I quote you. Please include your age.
Here are some examples from readers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you’ll “like” if you haven’t already) to get you thinking:
I’m 64. A few years ago, I saw a male physician who began almost every sentence to me with “A woman of your age….” as if I was geriatric in every sense of the word and he needed to explain how I no longer had the physical abilities of a “young and healthy” woman. He was lecturing me on how I needed to change my expectations for my body and make allowances for those changes. The irony was his age, at least 50 himself.
I was using the free wi-fi at the Senior Center. Anything that has “sex” in it is blocked.
I’m 53, and I often feel invisible in social groups. I was in a mixed-age group once online where younger men were telling sex jokes. An older woman joined in, not flirting with them, just telling her own stories. When she mentioned being in her early sixties they flipped out, complained about feeling sick, and so forth. Honestly a lot of men my own age aren’t much better. Sometimes I look in the mirror to see if I’ve grown a second head with the way that they act. I just don’t feel comfortable flirting and being sexual the way I used to because of the negativity I keep seeing towards women over 50.
Try being a gentleman and over 70. If I compliment (all PC and non sexist) a woman under 50, I get the “dirty old man” look! Can’t a compliment just be that? My wife often will compliment another gal on her fashion, and it’s accepted with a smile. I wouldn’t dare try that!
I want to be invisible, in fact miles away, when someone at a family gathering starts talking about:
- their hemorrhoids
- his Viagra use
- how he pees in the middle of the night
- how, when he was a kid, he used a piece of liver to jack off
- asking pretty young women to sit close to him
- All of these fall under too much information (TMI). I don’t need word pictures of things I don’t want to see.
Your turn!