LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Relationship Work

by Vicki Larson

Reviewed by Mac Marshall

Vicki Larson, photo credit Kim Thompson Steel

LAT stands for Live Apart Together. In her welcome book about this new lifestyle, Vicki Larson notes that at least three things must occur for a relationship to be considered LAT:

• Two people agree that they are a committed romantic couple;
• Others view them as a committed romantic couple;
• They intentionally reside in separate homes.

LAT has grown in popularity in recent years, especially among divorced or widowed older adults. Many seniors find that living separately from their romantic partner provides an attractive combination: committed companionship along with personal independence.

“There are several studies indicating that living apart from your romantic partner benefits your sex life,” says Larson. “LAT couples often experience more passion, idealize their partners more, daydream about their relationship, and report more loving feelings toward their partner than couples who live together.” Larson’s own interviews revealed that compared to couples who live together, LAT couples:

• Have the same or even higher levels of commitment;
• Feel equal or greater trust for their partners;
• Have the same or higher levels of stability;
• Experience equal or more relationship satisfaction.

LAT relationships typically offer a couple equality, intimacy, stability, and more satisfying sex than if they resided under one roof. “Absence not only seems to make the heart grow fonder, it also makes the libido stronger.”

Larson lists the reasons most people state for getting married: love, “lifelong commitment, companionship, children, having the relationship be recognized by a religious ceremony, financial stability, and…legal rights and benefits.” She notes that living together is not mentioned as a reason to wed. Indeed, “all the stated reasons for marrying can be achieved while living apart from your romantic partner.” In LATitude, she presents examples of married couples who actively choose to live apart happily, often for decades.

To succeed in a LAT relationship, you must feel secure in your sexual relationship. “Ultimately, it comes down to this: Are you with someone you trust, and is that person worthy of your trust? And are you someone your partner can trust?” With or without marriage, LAT rests on mutual trust to abide by whatever agreements and boundaries a couple establish, including whether to be monogamous or consensually non-monogamous. Larson quotes a therapist who is in a longtime LAT partnership: “Before you take this step, you have to be really secure in your relationship. The commitment you need in your relationship can’t be half-assed. It takes more trust when you’re not going to see the person and you have no idea what they’re doing all day or night.”

If you are a senior intrigued by or contemplating an LAT relationship, Larson’s book is essential reading. She also addresses financial matters, legal issues, and decisions about caregiving as aging partners require more assistance. These are especially relevant to our age group. You’ll come away from her book with a solid understanding of the pros and cons of LAT as you chart your own course.

My own experience: I am 80 years old. I had two long marriages. The first one ended in divorce and the second with my wife’s death. I have no desire to remarry. As a widower I am now in a delightful and fulfilling LAT relationship. I find it satisfying in a host of ways. My partner and I each live in our own home and see one another several times a week, including one or two “overnights.” We communicate daily. We maintain our separate friendship networks, along with friends in common. Sometimes we travel together, sometimes solo. We keep our finances separate and often treat each other to dates or trips. We schedule regular sex dates in advance. The anticipation of such planned intimacy adds to the excitement. Disadvantages to LAT? I can’t think of any!

Do you have a LAT arrangement? I invite you to comment.

Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.

Purchase LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Relationship Work from Bookshop.org.  Visit Vicki Larson’s website.