“The first time a man experiences problems with his erection after years of normal function it can be like a punch in the gut. For most men, their sexual performance is a matter of pride. Men equate their erections with masculinity—their manhood.”
– Michael Bates, MD
I write frequently about erectile difficulties, because this is an issue that my readers and audiences ask me about all the time. You can find plenty about staying sexual despite erectile dysfunction in my books, articles, and webinars. But I realize that a woman writing about erections may not strike you as having the same credibility as the same information coming from a man, especially a man with a medical degree.
Michael Bates, MD, is a retired OB/GYN physician who, with his wife Carolina, directs the website X’s and O’s, a resource center and retailer for folks over 50. In “How To Help Your Partner With Erectile Dysfunction (ED),” Dr. Bates suggests these steps for supporting a partner with ED and figuring out what options will help you remain a sexually vibrant couple:
- Communicate. Start an honest conversation about the change in your sexual pattern as a couple.
- Go to his doctor together to determine the cause of his ED. Run the tests to discover or rule out medical conditions that can cause erection problems. Discuss his medications that may have sexual side effects.
- Learn about medical options: medications, suppositories, injections, pumps, implants.
- Try non-medical solutions, such as vibrators and penis rings.
- Explore non-penetrative ways to arouse and satisfy each other, aka “outercourse.” *
Read Dr. Bates’s article here.
Visit X’s and O’s.
* My most popular workshop and webinar is “Great Sex without Penetration,” which helps you enjoy hot sex without PIV (penis-in-vagina). As a special gift for reading this far, email me and ask how to view this 90-minute webinar for just $35 instead of $55.
At age 75, I posed in lingerie with the extraordinary photographer Perry Gallagher. It was my fourth time in fancy underwear in front of a camera. The previous three were at age 65 and 68 with photographer Ruth Lefkowitz, and at age 72 with Perry. I had no idea the first time that this would become a regular event every few years.
It’s fascinating to me to watch my aging process over a decade of being “old” and to affirm that sexiness can be both internal and external. We’re so judgmental about ourselves, especially our bodies!
Oh sure, when I saw the 240 proofs, there were many that made me wince — did my thighs really look so puckered? But there were also many that made me smile and even laugh with joy. It was difficult to narrow down my choices because so many left me awestruck.
Once I made my choices, Perry went to work. When he showed me the first edit, I said no. He had aged me backwards about 15 years by smoothing out the wrinkles, eliminating the skin spots, tightening the midriff. The photo was beautiful and glamorous — and know that he can do that for you, too! — but I wanted authenticity. I told him to edit much more lightly, because I wanted to celebrate aging, not erase it. The photos you see here are the result. I’m thrilled with them.
And the whole process was fun! Perry loves his work and it’s clear that he really does see his subjects as beautiful. We joked and played seductive verbal games. I felt completely at ease with him and with myself.
Here’s what I learned from this photo shoot and from the previous three:
- We are our own worst critics when we assess our own bodies.
- The eyes of a skilled photographer reveal us to ourselves in ways we can’t see on our own.
- Whatever our age or the state of our body, we have beauty.
- Being photographed by a skilled photographer who sees our beauty is empowering.
- We don’t age out of sensuality or sexuality.
Perry Gallagher is a visionary, and I’m proud and honored to be part of his vision. If you’re in or near LA, I hope you’ll contact Perry and book your own photo shoot. Whether you want your photos to be boudoir ( lingerie), fine art nude, portrait, or wedding, I guarantee that Perry will put you at ease and produce beautiful photos. When you meet him, ask him to tell you the story of how he got his first camera.
By the way, I have a standing date with Perry for my 80th birthday!
All photos here by Perry Gallagher Photography except for this one by Mac Marshall:
- Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Loss of Your Beloved, Joan’s newest book, coming August 2019.
- The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain!– a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, her most comprehensive senior sex book.
- Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, winner of Outstanding Self-Help Book 2012 from the American Society of Journalists and Authors and 2012 Book Award from American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
- Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty, Joan’s spicy memoir celebrating the joys of older-age sexuality.
- Ageless Erotica, a steamy senior sex anthology which Joan conceived and edited.
explores each topic with the same distinct blend of knowledge, experience, and good humor, which led Dee Dennis, the founder of sexuality conference CatalystCon, to praise her as “an amazing sex educator and speaker, who represents a new direction and is breaking new ground” in the sexual self-help genre. The series’ volume on Fellatio earned AVN’s 2012 Best Educational Release trophy, “Anal” was named XBIZ’s 2012 Specialty Release of the Year, “Anal Sex for Men” received AVN’s 2014 Best Educational Release award, and “Plus Size” earned XBIZ’s 2015 Specialty Release of the Year. For more information, visit GuideToWickedSex.com, Facebook.com/GuideToWickedSex, Twitter.com/Guide2WickedSex.
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Review of JETT from Hot Octopuss
by Shamus MacDuff
“Gentlemen, start your engines!” begins the famous Indianapolis 500 automobile race. With the JETT, the wonderful new sex toy for penises from Hot Octopuss, you can start your own engine, and really rev it up.
JETT’s dual engines are vibrating silver bullets powered by four AA batteries. One “engine” contains a motor that produces treble vibrations, and the other yields deeper, more rumbly bass vibrations. What makes this innovation exciting is that you control the intensity of each motor. You can play with and set the levels of treble and bass intensity against 10 built-in vibration patterns to provide a wonderfully wide range of stimulation.
JETT has an expandable, circular silicone sleeve positioned directly above the dual jet engines into which you place your penis — flaccid or erect. The sleeve surrounds the frenulum on one side and the ridge atop the penile head on the other. When JETT revs up, the sensations are multiple and magnificent. The real fun with this toy comes (pun intended) in locating precisely the right treble and bass frequencies, paired with one of the 10 vibration patterns, that launches you into the JETT stream.
soft packer from Good Vibrations
When I used JETT for solo sex, I loved the way I could stretch out the glorious sensations by switching intensities and vibration patterns. I tried it starting with a flaccid penis (flaccid didn’t last long!), and next time with a semi-erect member. JETT’s “dual exhausts” quickly brought me to orgasm in both cases.
I thought JETT was solely for masturbation until my female partner asked to observe it in action. To my immense pleasure, she discovered that fellatio on the protruding tip of my penis sent me into an ecstatic state and rapid ejaculation. So there is a place for JETT in partner sex as well as solo.
dildo from Tantus
Twice when I tried to change from one vibration pattern to another, JETT simply stopped on me, and I had to restart it. Also, be aware that a battery-powered device is not waterproof. But these are minor inconveniences compared to the enormous positives that surround this delightful and fun new sex toy for penises. It is also priced affordably at just $69.
Shamus MacDuff, age 75, was oblivious to the delights of sex toys for penises until about 1-3/4 years ago. He’s been making up for lost time! Read his other posts here.