Hope Springs: a springboard for discussion
Let’s talk about the film Hope Springs. It’s an excellent springboard for talking abut senior sex and communication. If you’ve seen it and you’re part of our boomer/ senior/ elder generation, would you help me get the discussion going right here on this blog?
I hope you’ll read my discussion with writer David Templeton about the film in the Pacific Sun. Here are excerpts — and click here for the complete article. (Warning: spoiler alert.)
“What bothered me, at first,” Price says, “was that the filmmakers seemed to be making fun of something that is an enormous issue for seniors, something that isn’t really a laughing matter. I couldn’t see what Kay [Streep] saw in Arnold [Jones], and I couldn’t understand how two people in their 60s, in 2012, ended up with this 1950s-style marriage. They sleep in separate rooms, they never talk, she does all the cooking and cleaning even though they both have full-time jobs, they don’t talk about anything except his job and golf, and they never do anything together—and by anything I especially mean…sex.”
…”What was wonderful about the film,” Price says, “once it got to Hope Springs and the therapy sessions, was that it settled down and took its time to flesh out some very real concerns and fears that older people have. At first we think that Arnold is the one who turned away from Kay, but then she admits that it was she who stopped having sex with him. But by then, after she started to miss it, there were so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings between them, that it was just a big mess.”
…”It actually bothered me a little,” says Price, “that Dr. Feld didn’t suggest that they get a medical opinion. If something changes in a man’s sex drive, there is often a medical reason. Men don’t stop wanting sex overnight, even if their wife did turn them down one or two times too often. That might happen gradually, but if it’s sudden, then a man really needs to see a doctor. In this movie, we learn that he’s having erectile problems, and is afraid to put it to the test, so he avoids sex. But erectile problems could be an indication of heart disease, or diabetes, or any number of other treatable diseases. That message was never put into the movie, and it should have been, by the therapist, if no one else.”
…”I wonder,” asks Price, “if, at any point in this couple’s history, there was ever any sex between them that was for her pleasure? The therapist even—and this completely shocked me—asked if she’d ever had orgasms…’vaginal or otherwise.’ Excuse me? Orgasms come from the clitoris. Was this guy trained in the 1940s?
I also encourage you to talk about it with your partner if you have one, with your friends, with anyone who will participate. That’s my mission after all — to talk out loud about senior sex — and this film lubricates the topic, so to speak.
Tenga Egg reviewed by David Pittle
Tenga Egg Male Masturbation Sleeve
reviewed by David M. Pittle, Ph.D.
The Egg is a complete kit for a single use. Packaged within an egg-shaped shell is a very stretchable elastomer “stimulator” with ribbing designs to give a variety of sensations. To make this a complete, one-use kit, it includes a packet of lubricant, as well as the “stimulator” itself. The stimulator expands to fit almost any normal penis length and diameter to give a very good sensation. While sold as a one-use device, it will actually last up to about 10 uses. You can flip it inside out for cleaning and then add your own lubricant to
use it again. At about $8.50 each, that makes the Tenga Egg a real bargain.
If there was one weakness in the egg that I tried, it was the lack of instructions in English. The only instructions were printed in Japanese on the lubricant package. One would think that instructions were not needed for such a simple device, but applying the lubricant to the inside of the stimulator is done with an included funnel device and the method of doing all this preparation is not self-evident.
However, aside from the lack of instructions, this is an excellent product. It provides marvelous sensations, comes in a wide variety of interior ribbing designs and as a bonus, is usable even by men suffering from erectile dysfunction. The penis does not have to be hard to get the benefit of the Egg. I certainly could feel that there was ridging, but I doubt I would feel the differences between the different egg designs. Maybe someone who has a more sensitive penis might. I really liked this Egg and will probably buy them in the future.
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| Tenga Egg inside out to show texture |
Notes from Joan:
The Tenga Egg comes in a variety of textures and designs. Dr. Pittle reviewed the “Wavy” design, pictured here inside out so you can see the texture.
The Tenga Eggs are available from our friends at Good Vibrations .
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| David Pittle |
David M. Pittle, Ph.D., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David
specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues. Visit his website here. Please see Dr. Pittle’s review of the Hitachi Magic Wand here.
(I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read his other reviews here.)
Note from Joan: Please see my other vibrator reviews by clicking here. Keep scrolling down — there are many! I love to hear from you and welcome your comments about any sex toys reviewed here, because our experiences are all different, and your experience will help other readers decide which toy is right for them. (However, if you’re a sex toy retailer, I don’t permit links that compete with the retailers I endorse — spammy, highjacking comments and links won’t see the light of day.)
50 Shades of Grey Hair
If you’ve been awake on this planet, you’ve heard of the success of Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s the Number 1 best seller on Amazon, where it sports 3,639 reader reviews at this moment.*
The big deal about this book is that it’s erotica, BDSM erotica at that, and it’s being read by a mainstream female audience — everyone from teens through their moms and, yes, grandmoms of our age, too. Many start reading it because everyone else seems to reading it, and we like to be shocked.
I didn’t read the whole book, but I did read quite a bit during a very long airport wait at JFK, where I found a mile-high display of all three Shades of Grey books. How did the author, E L James, come out with three books so fast? From the quality of the writing, I’d say she wrote them quickly, didn’t rewrite, and didn’t have an editor. Otherwise, how could she repeat herself all these ways, as an Amazon reviewer points out:
Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times, Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times, characters “purse” their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana’s anthropomorphic “subconscious” (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess,” and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”)…Characters “murmur” 199 times and “whisper” 195 times (doesn’t anyone just talk?), “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times, and “smirk” 34 times. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.
Readers recognize the bad writing — more than 1,000 reader reviews are only 1-star — but what the heck, it is sexy (of course “sexy” is in the eyes of the beholder). Anastasia gets lots of orgasms, and isn’t it a fantasy of women at any age to have an extraordinarily handsome, insanely rich lover who gives us endless orgasms — and, by the way, has inner turmoil that we’re convinced only we can fix by offering him our special brand of devotion?
Our age group is reading this book, too, and not just women. I enjoyed the reader review from “a male senior citizen, a semi-retired gynecologist,” whose “arthritis flared up just reading about Ana’s sexual gymnastics.” He had to take Viagra to stiffen his resolve to keep reading.
If you’re interested in BDSM erotica, there are plenty of well-written books you can read, with the sex you’re looking for plus skillful, non-repetetive writing and unpredictable characters and plots. For example, try the Sleeping Beauty Novels, a trilogy by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure, or check out the many BDSM erotica anthologies from Cleis Press. If it isn’t specifically BDSM but simply well-written erotica you’re looking for, both Cleis and Seal Press do a great job. Starting with an anthology can introduce you to writers whom you particularly enjoy, and from there you can explore what else these writers have written.
What would Fifty Shades of Grey look like if it featured a woman our age, instead of a college student? We could title it Fifty Shades of Grey Hair, and our heroine would be a woman of, say, 68, who has left a long, boring marriage and goes to San Francisco or New York City to discover her hitherto hidden sexual kinks. She hooks up with a dom who is maybe 72 and in the best of health and vigor, who uses plenty of lube while he introduces her to his special brands of toys, fingers, tongue, and penis, to bring her to the ultimate heights every few pages. I say “every few pages” instead of “every page,” because we need longer foreplay these days.
Or maybe she doesn’t find a dom — maybe she’s the domme, exploring her personal power in ways she has only fantasized.
You see how much fun this could be? Fifty Shades of Grey Hair wouldn’t suffer in any way by being about senior sex. In fact, by featuring savvy, sexy seniors, we wouldn’t need any of the lip chewing and we could be more inventive with our reactions than “oh, crap.” What do you think?
(If you love the idea of senior erotica, I’m editing a senior sex erotica anthology right now with Seal Press. I’ll let you know when it’s published!) Update: Ageless Erotica is available for your reading pleasure!
*I can’t help comparing: my Naked at Our Age has 20 Amazon reviews–all raves except for one that found it offensive because too much of it is “about how to give yourself an orgasm.” Here I thought that would be a useful part of a senior sex self-help sex guide….
Seniors Dating: Why so hard to find chemistry?
“Chemistry,” he said. “I searched through Naked at Our Age and I didn’t find that you discussed it at all. What are your thoughts?”
We were on a second date. Interesting question. What is chemistry, and how does it affect our choices of dating, pursuing a relationship, having sex?
I found myself discussing the importance and wonder of attraction /chemistry in generalities at first. We agreed that although attraction can grow through friendship, usually it’s either there or it’s not right from the beginning. We can think, this is an interesting, accomplished, fabulous person, and I really should feel attracted to him/her, but I’m not!
Then I went for complete candor: “For example,” I told him, “You’re an amazing person. But I just don’t feel any chemistry here.”
To my relief, he responded, “I feel the same way.”
Whew! We continued our conversation with gusto and interest, and agreed to see each other once in a while — as friends.
What determines whether there’s chemistry for us as seniors, specifically? I would guess that during childbearing years it serves a biological purpose — our biology is matching us with some people and not with others. But if we’re not looking for a mate to propagate the species but for other reasons entirely, why isn’t it easier to find that elusive chemistry? What purpose does the “no chemistry” warning serve at our age?
We discussed how you tell someone that the chemistry isn’t there. I think my friend’s approach (intentional or not) was excellent — ask the question first: “What is chemistry to you? Tell me your thoughts.” From there, it’s an easy transition to the admission that there isn’t chemistry between you.
What are your thoughts about chemistry, what purpose it serves at our age, and how you tell someone in a kind way that it isn’t there for you?
(I started this topic on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where we discuss all sorts of news and views about senior sex — I hope you’ll read and “like” that page and comment there on topics of interest to you.)