4/3/16: I’m bringing this 2014 post to the top because I’m giving a talk to doctors and other medical professionals tomorrow in Milwaukee. I want these comments from my readers to be easy to find if they read my blog after that — which I hope they will!
About half of all sexually active men and women aged 57-85 in the United States report at least one bothersome sexual problem; one third report at least two. Yet only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women reported having discussed sex with a physician since the age of 50 years.
Why does this information barrier exist? And what can you, as professionals, do to overcome it with your patients and clients?
These are the questions I posed to the attendees at the beginning of “Talking about Senior Sex:
A Presentation for Medical Professionals, Therapists, and Others Working Professionally with the Older-Age Population,” which I presented at The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis on June 19, 2014.
I was so jazzed by the responses during that workshop that I wanted to continue the discussion, so I took it to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I invite you to read and “like”).
Our community jumped in eagerly with their comments and experiences. Here are some of those:
- It would suffice if they just asked. I think they are 1) embarrassed, and 2) afraid that a nestful of psychological tangles would emerge, which would take a lot of their time. As a doctor, you would have to believe that relationships, beliefs, and habits contributed to illness, and I think most of them are just looking for a set of symptoms. The mind-body connection is far from their thoughts.
- It may be difficult for physicians to broach topics on sex because of their lack of education on sexual matters – not just with senior sexuality. Often such topics are delegated to nurse specialists or physician assistants. There are also shades of sexuality beyond the range of physiology, endocrinology, anatomy, and other hard sciences that are beyond the scope of topics covered in med school and continuing medical education. We need to take charge and help drag medical providers along with us on this topic.
- Sex over 55 is often challenging if your parts are in perfect working order, but if they are not, then it’s an entirely different ball game. As someone who has lived with a sexual challenge for 20 years (and who is now 67), I found, in the beginning that it was helpful to write a letter to the doctor prior to the appointment – an ice-breaker. Now, however, after such a long-term medical problem, I am really very open with all the doctors I see and they either handle it or they don’t – they can choose!
- We live in a culture that allows only a few sexual subjects to be discussed and those in limited ways. Having lived a lifetime hiding or being ashamed of our sexual natures, it can be a huge challenge to just start talking about “it” when we reach those years. The mechanics of sex may be easier to discuss than unmet needs and innate desires. It is a gift to be sexually sovereign in our culture.
- In my case, no doctor ever broached the subject. I was always the initiator. After 12 years of fertility work, four ectopic pregnancies, numerous spontaneous abortions and nerve damage resulting from a rape, surgeries and malpractice (they refused to remove the infamous Dalkon Shield IUD after the rape and subsequent STD infection), it’s not a stretch to understand why I had a damaged libido. Only with recent help from two amazing physicians, with whom I can discuss anything, have I begun to find help! Finding this and other groups online has also been salvation of yet another kind. Thanks for opening so many doors to those of us who have foundered for so long!
- Actually, it was through conversations with my nurse practitioner that my road to sexual freedom opened up. Also through my wonderful husband’s patience, and Joan’s book, Naked at Our Age. There is a taboo about sex at a certain age, but for us it has just been renewed!
- Particularly as sex and disability is also a taboo subject and many people will have genital dermatoses and that will make it even harder for them to open up to anyone. I am 67 and despite lichen sclerosis, I remain sexually active.
- The doctor needs to be calm, confident and comfortable with the subject. If the doctor is squirmy and clearly uncomfortable, it won’t help the patient to open up. Speaking for myself, if I’m a little squirmy and hesitant, I’d appreciate it if the doctor would give me the time and space to squirm a little and build up my courage. I had that experience with a doctor; he asked what was clearly a scripted question, I hemmed and hawed a little struggling to express an answer. Since the answer wasn’t immediately forthcoming he just jumped right to the next question. I got the distinct feeling he really didn’t want to hear it, so the subject was dropped. On the other hand, a doctor might ask a question and get a very forthright answer they weren’t expecting. They better be ready for that too; no eyes bugging out, no jaw dropping, no flinching. They might need to develop the ‘warm positive regard’ thing that therapists are taught.
- I’m 73, have an older woman doctor trained in Europe who brought the subject up in the course of an annual physical, and was quite matter of fact about it, made me quite comfortable discussing the subject, and referred me to an endo.
- I’m not your target age group but my nurse practitioner at Kaiser simply asked if I was happy with my sex life and, after I affirmed that I was, proceeded to tell me that orgasm was good for my vaginal health (not to mention my psyche) and encouraged me to take charge of my pleasure because it would help make perimenopause easier to take, keep my bladder where it belongs and generally support my wellbeing. Hell yeah -this I knew – but what was even better was that she made it clear that she was there to help. My sexual health was not some secondary aspect. It was a full-fledged piece of my gynecological workup. To which I say – well done!
- I’d like to see it simply become a matter of routine during all regular check ups, or anytime the visit is for more than a sniffle really, as well as anytime mental health/ relationships are discussed. We need to be in the habit of treating the whole person, not just fixing bits and pieces and mending boo-boos.
I hope you’ll continue this important conversation by commenting here. (And if you’d like me to bring this presentation to your organization, please contact me.)
UPDATE: Thank you to the eleven lively people who partipated in my NYC workshop, Ask Me, I’ll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging, talking candidly about your sexuality in front of strangers, a TV crew, and cameras. You were wonderful!
Excerpts from this workshop will be part of a TV documentary on sexuality in the U.S. airing on a major cable network in October or November. Once the air date is set, I’ll be able to tell you the details — right now I can’t reveal more.
We had such a good time with the abbreviated version of this workshop that the participants requested that I return to NYC to give the full workshop. I’d love to! If you want to be on my NYC mailing list for news of a workshop there (without cameras or a TV crew!), please email me with “NYC workshop info” in the subject line, and tell me a bit about yourself.
We’re also seeking sponsors who can provide a venue and/or cover my travel costs. Let’s make this happen!
If you live in the Santa Rosa/ Marin/ San Francisco area of California, I offer this workshop frequently here. Email me with “local workshop info” in the subject line. I’m about to schedule another one in Santa Rosa in the next couple of months.
If you’re landing on this post for the first time, here’s the background — the original 8/17/12 post about the first NYC workshop event:
- In or near New York City?
- Age 50+?
- Energetic, articulate, communicative?
- Interested in enriching your knowledge of senior sexuality?
- Willing to share your views about sexual topics candidly — on camera?
- Available Thursday morning, August 23?
If so, Please email me immediately! You might be invited to appear on a national cable network television special with me on the topic of senior sex! Here’s the scoop:
On Thursday morning, Aug. 23 (venue TBD in New York City), I’m doing a one-hour, abbreviated version of my workshop, Ask Me, I’ll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging (description below). The workshop will be free to you and filmed — you’ll be on camera the whole time. Excerpts will appear as one segment of a national cable television special about senior sex.
If you are enthusiastic about speaking candidly about
senior sex as part of a workshop discussion, which I’ll facilitate,
please email me
right away! If you and a partner want to participate, please submit
separate emails, but indicate that you are partnered with [name].
Singles are encouraged to participate.
Please include this information in your email:
- Phone number
- Email address
- 2 or 3 burning questions* you would like to hear men discuss about senior sex
- 2 or 3 burning questions* you would like to hear women discuss about senior sex
Ask Me, I’ll Tell You: Women and Men Talk Out Loud about Sex and Aging . We’re talking about senior sex—the challenges, the
pleasures, and all the questions we didn’t think we could ask out loud.
What arouses us now, when the old ways aren’t working like they used to?
What do we wish we understood and could communicate better about our
changing bodies and responses? How do we spice up our sexual
repertoire? What if we don’t have a partner? What if we don’t feel
desire for sex any more? In this eye opening, interactive, mixed-gender
workshop, you’ll get to voice your questions and get answers. Joan
Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex
After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex,
guides the conversation and discovery, and offers tips for putting the
zest back into later-life sexuality. For couples and singles, men and
(*In the full-length version of this workshop, we arrive together at the “burning questions” we want to hear our own and the other gender discuss, but since we’re limited to one hour of this workshop, I’m speeding it along by collecting your questions ahead of time.)
This show will air in the last quarter of this year — more details to come. I’m really excited about this opportunity to share what I do on a national television special, and I hope you’ll be part of it! I’ll turn over the information you send me to the producer, who has the final word on attendees — space is limited and we won’t be able to accommodate everyone.
“How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?” is the title of a new workshop I just debuted in Milwaukee, and I’m ready to take it on the road! I discovered it needs to be a three-hour workshop because it covers so many topics, questions, and interactive discussion.
Here’s my description of the workshop:
How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?
You’re ready to connect for dating, sex, love, companionship – but dating as a senior feels awkward and downright weird. What are the guidelines? How do you navigate online dating and avoid the pitfalls that send potential dates running in the other direction? When do you bring up safer sex, your personal sexual issues, or sex at all? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, or a longtime single, you’ll find this interactive workshop illuminating and fun, and you’ll get to find out how other single seniors meet and mate (or try to). All genders and orientations welcome; sense of humor helpful. Thirty million Americans age 55 and older are single, so welcome to the club with no rules! Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – and a widow trying to figure out how to date at her age – leads this workshop.
During this fun-filled workshop, you’ll create a list of the qualities you’re seeking in a date/lover/sweetheart/mate, because if you don’t know what you’re asking for, the answer is “no.” You’ll also write your profile, should you wish to pursue online dating. You’ll get plenty of information and honest (polite, but honest!) feedback about your dating situation (or lack of dating situation). By the end, you’ll have an action plan and plenty of food for thought. Bring paper and pen or a laptop — and a sense of humor!
“So where do I have to go to attend this workshop?” you ask. Ah, I don’t know yet. Invite me to come to your region to present it, or email me to put yourself on my contact list for an upcoming workshop in the San Francisco/ Santa Rosa, CA area.
10/11 addendum: For use in this workshop, I’m collecting online dating profiles (our age only) that are either terrific, appealing examples or awful, waste-of-space examples. If you encounter either, please copy it without identifying the person except by gender and age and email it to me privately. This isn’t about whether the person meets your personal taste requirements — just whether the profile is a great example of how to write one, or a terrible example that no one would want to answer. Again, do not identify the person even by handle or URL — this is not about embarrassing people, just giving us content to discuss.