Posts by Joan Price
No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion
Senior citizen intimacy isn’t always easy. There are a lot of changes with our bodies as we age.
Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled “He thinks he can’t please her without an erection, so why bother?” She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:
I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn’t want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn’t get an erection. He just said “why bother?”
Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I’ve tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it’s as if I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.
I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.
It’s just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that’s not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won’t talk, or accept any communication from me.
I still love the man and I think I always will. It’s so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.
Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can’t tell you enough how it has helped me cope.
I feel the heartbreak in Molly’s words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.
I don’t think, though, that Molly’s partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he’s devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn’t, we know that, but that’s how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.
I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.
I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you’ll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I’m sure she’ll welcome your warm comments.
Joan’s First Cuddle Party
“May I touch your shoulder?”
“Yes.”
“My I rest my leg on your leg?”
“Yes.”
“May I stroke your ribs?”
“No.”
“May I join your spoon train?”
“Yes.”
I attended my first official Cuddle Party last night. Cuddle Parties are led by trained facilitators to enable people to experience more touching in a completely non-sexual way. Most of us don’t get enough touch in our lives, or only get touched through sex, if we’re in a relationship, or brief hugs if we’re not.
Our skin and our emotions crave touching, holding, caressing. The purpose of a Cuddle Party is to enable people — usually strangers, at least for the first few minutes — to enjoy and feel safe touching and holding each other for hours.
Yes, hours. We had 45 minutes of rules and exercises (e.g. saying “no”) first, then at about 7:30 p.m. we were let loose to cuddle anyone and everyone we wanted (as long as they said “yes”) for 2-1/2 hours.
The Cuddle Party took place on a living room floor covered with sheets, comforters, and pillows. There were about a dozen of us, roughly gender-balanced, mostly clad in pajamas. The skilled facilitator and two assistants participated fully and were always available in case someone wanted any kind of assistance.
“Always ask before touching, and be specific about what you want to touch,” we were instructed. “No” means “no” and needs no defense or explanation. If we’re not sure, we say “no.” We can change our minds at any time. We can ask for what we want to receive as well as what we want to do. Clothes stay on, and if we experience feelings of arousal from all this body contact, we do not act on those feelings.
I joined four other people who were spooning, and I enjoyed being cradled in a warm body sandwich. We asked for permission to touch shoulders, backs, legs, hair, thighs. The tricky stage was trying to change position — if one person wanted to turn around, we all had to adjust and start asking for permission all over again.
If it sounds like fun, it was. It felt completely safe and relaxed — even jovial. We could get up, get a snack (no alcohol), come back to the pile of people and decide whom to approach as the next cuddle partner(s).
To find out more about Cuddle Parties and track down one happening near you, visit http://cuddleparty.com//
If Not Now, When Do We Live Fully?
“Putting your own life/needs/emotions on hold can’t be healthy for you,” I told someone yesterday, and it reminds me of how often I find myself saying that.
A reader writes that she has a sexless and even touchless marriage, but can’t support herself financially so she’s staying. A male friend of mine in his sixties can’t decide whether his current relationship is right for him, so he doesn’t decide, he just goes along. A reader in his fifties will start exploring relationships after he moves. A woman says she will feel sexier after she loses weight. A couple hasn’t had sex for years but won’t see a therapist because they think they should figure it out on their own.
I often ask people of our age who have put their own happiness and passions on hold, “If not now, when?”
If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that I lost my beloved husband, Robert Rice, to cancer last August. He was an artist, a dancer, a thinker, and a teacher to all who knew him. As long as he could stand upright, he painted in his studio every day, creating amazing art, yet always striving for that elusive best painting — maybe his next. He painted some of his most magnificent work in his last two years.
“Do you feel like you’re living on borrowed time,” I asked Robert one morning as he pulled on his paint-splattered jeans and sweater.
“I AM living on borrowed time,” he told me. Then he kissed me and rushed off to tend his garden for a couple of hours before heading to the studio.
I’m making myself cry writing this, but I admired him (and admire him still) for always going towards his goals, his love for life and creativity, and his passion for love itself, even when he knew he was dying.
We all have a death sentence, we just don’t know when it is. As we age, though, we get many reminders of our mortality, some subtle (aches in new places, parts that don’t work 100% like they used to), some not subtle at all (a cancer diagnosis, a spinal or hip fracture, parts that don’t work at all).
It seems to me that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to life itself to live fully, productively, and lovingly — as long as we can.
As I reread this post, I realize that it’s a lesson I have to relearn in my own life now as I emerge from the dark place of grief and make my way back to life, work, sunshine, and joy.
Thank you, Robert, for the lessons you taught me so well.
Younger Men Seeking Older Women
I get frequent emails from men age 19-40+ who are attracted to women age 50-70+. They ask me how to meet women who might be open to a relationship with a much younger man.
I also hear from women who are surprised by — and welcome! — a younger man’s interest, and others who would rather not date someone younger than their son. An example in that last camp is “Granny B” who describes her blog this way:
GrannyBoogies on the highway of life!
The life and adventures of a senior woman looking for her last Love. Is there sex after 70? Do senior dating services work? Will Granny find her soul mate?
Granny B recently posted about being pursued by a younger man via an online dating site. I posted this comment on her blog:
On my blog about sex and aging, I hear from younger men all the time who are attracted to older women and ask how to connect with them. These men say they value the woman’s experience, self-knowledge, ease of communication in and out of bed. If you’re honestly not attracted to a man younger than your son (every man is somebody’s son!), then you’re right to send him on his way gently. But if you’re intrigued, you might get to know him!
Many of the younger men who write me describe warm memories about being introduced to sex by an older woman. Others tell me they respond to the wisdom and maturity of an older woman.
Check out my other posts on this subject.
Note to the men who want to talk about this. Yes, I welcome your comments here and your emails to me, but please — we’re talking about this subject with dignity. Do not send me your masturbatory fantasies or make me the object of them! (Please don’t be insulted by this request — I’m only saying this because it has happened a few times and that’s not what this blog is about.)