Posts by Joan Price
Man, 41, attracted to women, 60-70+
I hear from men frequently who want to date older women and ask how to find/ attract/ approach the women they desire. I hear from very young men (teens and 20s) who had their first — and wonderful! — sexual experience with a much older woman and want to recapture the joy. I hear from men in their 30s and 40s who are drawn to the wisdom, experience, and beauty in women decades older. For example, TW wrote me recently:
I am a 41-year-old male. I don’t have any problem attracting women around my own age. That is fairly easy for me. But, I do have great difficulties attracting women who are much older than I am.
I am mostly attracted to older women who are in their 60s and 70s. I am not looking for a serious relationship. Just casual dating with someone I can see occasionally with the possibility of intimacy or sex. I don’t where to go to meet older women. I’ve tried some internet dating sites. The women on those sites respond by sending me an email telling me that I am too young or that they have a problem with the age difference.
I welcome anyone’s ideas and suggestions. Especially from men who have had successful experiences with older women. Also, I greatly welcome any suggestions from older women themselves.
Personally, I advise TW to get out and do the social activities he enjoys, where he’ll meet women who enjoy the same activities. That way, it’s easy to strart a conversation with a stranger because you already have something in common to talk about. Someone like TW would meet someone like me, for example, social dancing or at bookstores, coffee shops, gyms, walking trails, and vegetarian restaurants.
Once TW spies a woman who attracts him, I would NOT suggest the “Hey, you’re hot and I love older women, wanna go to my place?” approach. Instead, open the conversation with comments on the activity you’re sharing or ask her for advice, e.g., depending on where you are and what you’re doing,
“You’re a really good dancer — would you dance the next one with me?”
“Have you read any books by this author?”
“Your workout is obviously working for you — you look terrific. Do you recommend the aerobics classes here?”
And so on. You may be hoping to share the sheets with her, but you still need to show her that you appreciate more than her genitals. Remember that her most vital sex organ is her brain.
Readers, I invite you to add your own experiences and tips for TW. If you are a 60+-year-old woman who would delight in a fling with a man 2+ decades younger than you, how would you suggest that someone like TW find someone like you? (I’m not offering to play matchmaker, realize, just wanting to help TW know where to look.) If you’re a man who has had experience dating older women, please share your experiences.
You can post a comment here, or email me and I’ll post it for you. (Try to ride the thin line, please, between candor, which my readers like, and graphic details/street language, which they do not!)
He thinks he can’t please her without an erection, so why bother?
An important question was posted as a comment to my blog interview with Michael Castleman who answered my questions about erectile dysfunction. Here’s what a reader asked:
I’ve been in a loving relationship for over two years, its been great. Until now, its taken a complete turnaround. His thinking is because he can’t get an erection he’s a failure in pleasing me. No matter what I say, his comment is “why bother”. I have been completely satisfied with our love making up until now, I am completely confused. Our love and intimacy made our relationship what it was, now what? What do I do?
This question moved me and I asked Michael Castleman if he would answer this reader He promptly replied:
I feel for you. When men develop erection difficulties and withdraw from lovemaking, they often seem completely shut down and unreachable, and no amount of reassurance seems to help.
Of course, such reactions are not unique to men. Imagine that you suddenly gained 100 pounds and no matter how hard you dieted and exercised, you could not lose an ounce. Now imagine that your lover said: “It’s all right. It doesn’t matter. I still love you, and want to make love with you.” Would you believe him? Would you want to have sex?
To most men, sex means erection, and the notion of sex without erection makes a much sense as baseball without bats. But men CAN enjoy sex–and have great sex–without erections. Erection is NOT NECESSARY for male orgasm. Vigorous fondling of the penis by hand, mouth, or sex toy can produce orgasms every bit as intense and satisfying as the ones he used to have with erections. And erection is not necessary for female pleasure or orgasm either. In fact, only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse because the old in-out doesn’t provide much clitoral stimulation. Many women prefer a man with a talented tongue and fingers to a guy who just sticks it in.
Of course, it’s a major adjustment for men to decouple sex from erection. Given how adamantly your man has been saying “why bother?” I think your best bet would be to try to coax him into joining you in consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
If he refuses to go, then I urge you to go by yourself. The therapist can help you cope, and make suggestions you might try at home with him. And the fact that you’re going may show him how important the sensual side of your relationship is to you, and eventually he may relent and join you. Good luck!
Michael Castleman, M.A., is “one of the nation’s top health writers” (Library Journal). He has specialized in health, medicine, and sexuality for 36 years. He is the author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his Web site about sex after midlife, GreatSexAfter40.com.
Sex Cushions for Comfort
For us, our friend the Wedge (photo, right) was our regular companion, permitting me to lie comfortably on my back with a lifted bottom and allow Robert free movement on his knees. This has especially helped us during episodes of back injury, knee pain, and arthritis flares, as well as delightful encounters when we have no aches or pains. Using a firm, specially shaped cushion also provides optimal comfort and convenience for enhancing lovemaking with a favorite sex toy. (Our personal favorite, as you must know by now — the Eroscillator, the only sensual product endorsed and recommended by Dr. Ruth WestheimerHave you experimented with different types of pillows and cushions for comfort and pleasure? Let me know your favorites!
He’s History, You’re Not: Interview with Erica Manfred
It was Christmas Eve, 2000, the day before her 55th birthday. Erica Manfred, clad in a flannel nightgown, asked her husband why he had been so distant lately, not wanting sex, or even conversation.
“I want to leave you,” he said. “There’s someone else.” He named a co-worker half Erica’s age. “I’m in love with her. She’s my soul mate.”
After eighteen years together, Erica had to face that her marriage was abruptly, painfully, horribly over.
In the next years, Erica Manfred went on to make every mistake in the book. The good news is that “the book” has just been published — He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 — and she learned from her mistakes in time to help you avoid them.
Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to financial to dating and sex. She spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel she’s your best friend sharing her mistakes so you don’t have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny! I had the pleasure of interviewing Erica Manfred:
JP: What are the signs that your marriage is in trouble?
EM: You can’t remember the last time you had (or enjoyed) sex with your husband. You’re stuck in a deadlocked relationship where you “always” do X and he “always” does Y. You have no emotional connection. You wish you could go on vacation without him.
JP: How do you start dating again when your perky parts have gone south and so has your self-image?
EM: Good question Joan. All the women I interviewed lost weight, started going to the gym or exercising like crazy, got manicures, pedicures, new hair colors, makeovers. Buying a new wardrobe helps. Aside from that, act “as if” you’re devastatingly sexy even if you don’t feel that way. Make believe you’re Susan Sarandon or Madonna even if it feels silly. It works.
JP: Give us some tips about dating at our age.
EM: Nothing has changed since high school, except now you want to get laid more than he does, but you still have to play hard to get. Depressing but true. Remember the guys you’re dating came of age in the 50s and they’re not used to getting asked out on dates. They need to do the pursuing.
JP: How soon is too soon to get involved with a new lover?
EM: I’d say give it at least a year after the breakup of a long marriage. Jumping into a new relationship too early can leave you more devastated than when your marriage ended. That said, if you’re hot to trot, experiment a little. Just don’t take it seriously until you’re ready.
JP: What did you do after your divorce that you’re embarrassed to admit now?
EM: Jumped into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Literally. My first lover was Harry and he was a cutie. I was a tad too promiscuous.
JP: What do you wish more women in this situation knew?
EM: How to stop being so dependent on men. You can take care of yourself, pay the bills, get the roof fixed and even live happily alone if you have to. The bad news is there aren’t enough men to go around. The good news is you don’t need a man to be happy.