Love in the Time of Corona by Diana Wiley
Reviewed by Mac Marshall, PhD
Echoing the title of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s novel, Love in the Time of Cholera, Diana Wiley, PhD wrote Love in the Time of Corona during the early months of 2020 as a “guide to redeem, refresh, and renew your relationship while in quarantine.” She is a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist now in her 70s. Given the stresses of the COVID-19 pandemic, Wiley’s main message is that “enjoyable sexual activity between partners can distinctly benefit a couple’s mental and physical health.”
The information in Love in the Time of Corona is relevant for couples of any age, and especially helpful to seniors who are more likely than younger adults to have been in a year-long lockdown.
Wiley’s book is 144 pages of larger-than-usual type for easy reading. It is organized into ten chapters covering these topics:
- Communication. “While you are adapting to each other’s personal habits during quarantine, you could also use this unusual time as an opportunity to learn more useful information about your partner.”
- Planning for Sex Dates. Have and express clear intentions, and then “Take time to communicate and agree on what each of you wants from your date night at home. And then set the date.”
- Mindfulness About Sex. “Entering a mindful state during lovemaking can help you be more present in the moment so you can fully surrender to sexual ecstasy. It helps you get out of your head and into your body.”
- The Importance of Touch. “How you touch your partner (and how your partner touches you) can sometimes be tricky to navigate, even under the best of circumstances. But when you are’ locked down’ together, as during the COVID-19 pandemic, the stakes can be higher because of the increased stress and anxiety inherent in the situation.”
- Suggestions for Sensory Revitalization. Limit screen viewing, get outdoors often, learn a new skill, and regulate your consumption of news. Enjoy food and music, pamper your body, and explore different kinds of kissing. “Having good sex is such a grand, multi sensory experience of intense pleasure” that no one “should be ashamed to claim this biological heritage.”
- The Need for Laughter and Playfulness. “Humor, and the playful spirit that often accompanies it, has detoxifying and defusing effects that go a long way toward keeping relationships intact.” Wiley observes that “couples who laugh together last together.”
- The Significance of Novelty. “Novelty offers a myriad of benefits in addition to increased sexual charge. Researchers have discovered that the desire to have new experiences…is positively associated with much of what helps us thrive in the world.”
- Learning More About Sex. “Did you know that people who have more sexual knowledge are more confident in their sexual conduct?” This chapter recommends a variety of books, instructional videos, podcasts, and interactive online courses.
- Expressing Gratitude to Each Other. Minimize criticism. Manage your frustrations. Express thankfulness more often: “It’s an easy, simple, and surprisingly effective survival strategy for your relationship during this time in quarantine.”
- Recommit to Your Relationship. “This pandemic can serve as an excellent opportunity to
reexamine and clarify your values. Sit down with your partner and share your hopes and dreams.”
Wiley’s writing style is engaging and conversational. Her suggestions will help you engage more fully with your partner. You’ll come away convinced (or reminded) of the central importance of sexual pleasure for strong, happy human relationships.
Learn more about Diana Wiley:
- Dear Dr. Diana: A Sex Therapist’s Advice for Couples in Quarantine
- Dr. Diana Wiley: Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Board Certified Sex Therapist
- Purchase Love in the Time of Corona
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Mac Marshall, PhD is a retired anthropology professor, researcher, and author who is delighted to explore sexuality studies at this time of his life.
Passion Blooms Despite Coronavirus: Cat’s story
“How are you managing/coping with sex in this seemingly endless pandemic as we close in on a full year?” I asked my newsletter subscribers in March 2021. Several of you sent me your comments. One person – we’ll call her “Cat” – sent a personal story that was so joyful and inspiring that I asked her permission to post it here. – Joan
I am Cat, age 60, a widow for one year. My best friend since elementary school passed away last fall, and I reached out to her husband, B., to check on how he was doing, We started video chatting three months ago. Much to my surprise, our connection has evolved into a deeper relationship.
We now spend most non-working hours together on a virtual app, and we literally go to sleep and wake up together. We go on virtual dates where we plan a menu and a movie or comedy show to watch together. We cook our meal together (they often do not look quite the same!), set our individual tables with lots of candles, and eat together virtually. We buy tickets to online concerts and watch at the same time, talking via messenger while watching.
We use end-to-end encrypted programs such as WhatsApp or Signal App. The Internet isn’t perfect – it has frozen or dropped at the most inopportune times! – but this relationship wouldn’t exist at this time without it.
We share virtual bath nights using Signal App. He gets to see all of me and vice versa! And yes, we have virtual sex. While it is not the same as in person, it can be explosive. It is almost like we are in the same room at the same time. He satisfies me sexually more than I ever experienced before.
We discussed the possibility of a visit, and as I knew what I hoped would happen, I requested and we agreed to have STI testing done as a prerequisite. We agreed to self-isolate to the best of our ability for two weeks, limiting contact to anyone else, wearing a mask and social distancing when errands could not be avoided.
He came for a two-week visit and oh, what an amazing time! He awoke something in me that I thought was dead. For the first time in years, I felt sexually satisfied. I loved waking up in his arms and was comfortable talking with him about anything. I wish it could have gone on forever, but he had to go back home to work.
We want to be together, but it is complicated as we are both five years away from retirement and live 16 driving hours from each other. His adult children are not happy that he is already seeing someone when their Mom just passed away last fall, and they are making it hard for him. Fortunately, my children just want me to be happy.
He is coming back for another visit, this time for a month. Who knows where this relationship will go, but I know where I would like it to go!
Roses from B. to Cat
Message from Joan, (mostly) not about sex
March 3, 2021: A year ago this month, I wrote the blog post below. It was the beginning of the pandemic, and we had no idea that a year later, we’d still be restricting our lives, wearing masks, staying home, assessing our safety with every interaction, trying to figure out how to get through this alive, crying for those who did not. Massive numbers of people have died from COVID-19: 2.56 million to date worldwide. I’m spotlighting my March 2020 post because everything I said then is even truer now (except that I’m another year older and no longer needing the knee scooter). I’ve learned new ways to cope — so have you. Feel free to share your advice in the comments section.
March 18, 2020: I’m under a shelter-in-place order, as are most of you by now. Even before the order, I had started limiting outings and 
interactions because I’m in a high-risk group. I’m 76, and although I’m usually a powerhouse of energy, I do manage chronic asthma. Twice in the past 5 years, simple respiratory illnesses developed into pneumonia, one requiring hospitalization. To make life even more stressful, I’ve been recovering from injuries after a fall that put me on crutches and a knee scooter for a month.
I’m sure many of you have similar stories.
I Know We’re All Stressed, Maybe This Will Help. I’m used to working from home, so social distancing isn’t a huge change for me. If you’re new to this and can’t figure out what how to fill your time and reduce your stress, here are some tips that I hope you’ll find helpful:
- Choose one thing you’ve wished for time to do, something that would bring you a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Maybe it’s as simple as making time to read a novel, or as complex as writing your memoir. Make this something that will bring you joy to do.
- Choose one important task that needs to be done that you can do at home. You know, a chore on that to-do list that’s been hanging over you for weeks, months, years? You might not enjoy doing it, but you will enjoy having done it.
- Build exercise into your day, every day, even if it’s power walking your house to the beat of a favorite s
ong. Exercise is important for our physical and mental health. It’s a natural anti-depressant. For 300 ideas (yep,I counted them) for exercising wherever you are, get my 2003 book, The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book: 300+ quick and easy exercises you can do whenever you want! - Reach out to loved ones. No, we can’t visit and hug, but we can interact via phone, Skype, Zoom, Facetime. Make a plan to contact at least one special person each day. Ask for what you need emotionally. Use the time to get closer to people in the wonderful technological ways available to us, rather than feeling distanced and isolated.
Divide your time among these four. Brag when something’s done! You’ll feel better and less isolated if you’re intentionally doing something enjoyable or important or both, rather than just passing time.
Here’s the main point: We know at our age that every hour we have matters. We can make this time meaningful. It’s our best gift to ourselves.
“But Joan, what about sex?” you’re asking. OK, let’s add sex:
- Give yourself an orgasm at your tingle time.
- Try something new during solo sex or partnered sex.
- Order a new sex toy or lubricant. Please scroll down the right-hand side of my blog for retailers who support my senior sex educational mission. Let’s support them, too, especially now.
- Learn something new about sex and aging. This blog is a fine start. Consider my books, film, and webinars, too. As long as the post offices remain open, I can ship your book and film orders (U.S. only), and my webinars are digital, so you can view them whatever your location or situation.
Please feel free to add your comments and tips.
Kurve: Vaginal Vibe from Hot Octopuss
It’s a party in your vagina! The Kurve, the latest vibrator innovation from Hot Octopuss, promises to delight G-Spot owners — and it does.
Hot Octopuss is best known for sex toys for penises. Now they’ve taken the bass-treble dual motors used in the popular JETT and placed them in a smooth, elegant, penetrative vibrator for eager vaginas. This means you have two motors vibrating at different frequencies. The bass is rumbly and throbby and altogether wonderful. The treble is a higher frequency but not buzzy (I had worried that it would be). The two together are two musical instruments in concert.
The intensity is strong, and I mean strong! I suggest playing with low- to mid-settings before you go full throttle, even if you usually assume you need the strongest, most ferocious vibrations possible (guilty as charged). Spend several sessions experimenting to find what combination of treble-bass and more-less power for a given moment.
Even if you’re a seasoned vibrator connoisseur and you use most sex toys intuitively, I recommend that you study the one-page manual that you’ll find in the box and online, where you can enlarge it for your old eyes. I would have figured out how to turn it on (press and hold “+” for each motor) and off (press and hold “-” for each motor) and how to increase (+) or decrease (-) the intensity. But I would not have intuited that the little raised button on the treble side turns off both motors simultaneously, and the little indented button on the bass side cycles through the patterns.
Speaking of patterns! Honestly, I usually ignore patterns. Give me steady and strong, then steady and stronger. Don’t distract me with rhythms. But with the Kurve, patterns are exciting! The only one I know how to describe is #5: “beep-beep- cha-cha-cha.” With the different rhythmic patterns and the two motors that each have their own intensity choices, the combinations are plentiful. In fact, I find that every time I use the Kurve and experiment, it’s a new experience.
Why is it especially good for our age group?
- The whole design is beautifully ergonomic and suited to our genitals, from the vagina-pleasing curve to the gel-soft tip.
- The controls are super easy to see. (I’ve been asking for this!) You can even differentiate the raised symbols by touch, with eyes closed.
- The large, cushioned tip is comfortable and adaptable to our varying shapes and pressure preferences.
- It offers enough stimulation for our slow-burning bodies.
But what about the clitoris?
Personally, I had hoped it could be used externally as well as internally, making it a most versatile sex toy. Though it’s a stimulating clitoral warm-up, it does its best work internally.
Easy solutions if you need or prefer clitoral stimulation:
- Invite your favorite clitoral vibrator to join the party. Being created with two hands gives us many advantages in daily life: using a fork and knife, pouring coffee and making sure it lands in the mug, tying shoes, petting the dog while changing channels, to name just a few. I’d put on the top of that list: using a clitoral vibrator and a vaginal vibrator at the same time! Try DiGiT, Amo, Eroscillator, We-Vibe Touch, or any smallish vibe that won’t clunk against the Kurve.
- Enjoy your or your partner’s fingers on your clitoris while the Kurve is in your vagina. One partner of a vulva owner reported this technique:
“My partner had the Kurve fully inserted in her vagina on the setting she likes best. I rested the outer edge of my left hand lightly against the protruding end of the vibrating Kurve. Then, using my thumb and index finger, I stroked and manipulated her clitoris with ample lube. The vibrations from the Kurve transmitted through my hand and fingers to her sweet spot, with a lovely result.”
Caveats:
- The product description does not include the diameter of the largest insertable part. Since it’s not uncommon for older vagina-owners to require slim products for comfort, this measurement should be disclosed,
Hot Octopuss! I measured it for you: 1.5 inch diameter. The tapered, squishy tip is squeezable and after insertion the mid-section is slender, but there’s a moment that it’s a non-negotiable 1.5″, in case that’s a problem for you. - With two motors at full blast, the handle itself transmits vibrations, which will aggravate an arthritic hand. However, if you prop a pillow for the handle to rest on, you don’t really have to hold it. Just keep a couple of fingers on it to keep it from rotating out of position, and it will pretty much stay where you put it.
- You have to be careful not to accidentally hit the controls in the handle when you’re in the throes of passion.
- I don’t much love the “KURVE is a sex toy superhero on a mission to seek out your G-spot” marketing. In my view, instead of pursuing the goal of having your body work a certain way — “Was that my G-spot? Or did I orgasm because I enjoy vaginal vibration? Or am I feeling my internal clitoris? Am I doing this wrong?” — just try it different ways and let yourself relax and enjoy.
Added attractions:
Kurve charging hole
- Waterproof! You’ll need water-based lube, though, so best to lubricate and insert it before you get in the tub.
- USB rechargeable via a charging hole.
- If you have a penis-owner lover who is jealous of the attention you get from your new toy, press the Kurve against the penis along with oral or manual pleasuring. Share the joy!
Thank you, Hot Octopuss, for creating the Kurve and for caring about senior vulva owners’ pleasure!