The Years by Nicholas Delbanco
It isn’t often that I find a novel to recommend to you that portrays characters our age in a way that’s relevant, realistic, and insightful about aging and relationships. As a reader, I want to connect with characters and plot lines that I can relate to at this time of my life (age 71 as I write this) via beautifully crafted fiction.
The Years by Nicholas Delbanco is a splendid example of the kind of book I love to read. It’s literary fiction, not a quick or mindless read. It’s achingly honest about aging.
How did it happen, Lawrence wondered, that the person in the mirror was sprouting liver spots and wrinkles and hair in his nostrils and ears?
You’ll invest some brain power in following the non-chronological sequencing. We meet Lawrence and Hermia when they re-meet in 2004 on a cruise ship after more than 40 years apart. He’s 64; she’s 63. The book flits back and forth from 2004 to their past. We learn how they met and fell in love in college, how they broke up and drifted apart, different relationships that shaped each of them as they journeyed through their lives, and the scars and regrets they carry with them.
They leaned toward each other, pressed against each other, and she wondered what her breasts would feel like if he kissed them as he used to, and what would happen next. She saw them in the mirror, two bent gray heads adjacent in the ornate gilt-framed glass, saw them touching lips and cheeks as though performing for the camera in some sort of time-lapse photograph, a present overlay upon the past.
Yes, we can anticipate that this chance meeting will lead to a renewed love connection, but the book is still not predictable. In the latter half of the book, we move forward through the time after they reconnect. There are surprises, which I won’t reveal, and even the predictable parts are nuanced, never trite.
It’s rare to find a novel that speaks realistically about love and aging and includes sex. The sex scenes are tender, slow to unfold, and not graphic. For example:
They had been passionate together the way the young are passionate, and nothing in her life before had readied her for how they fit together or how she, holding him, felt … That passion was not spent. It was spent in the physical sense, of course; she could no longer manage, and he could not manage, the revels of the young … But it was like The Tempest; it was everything restored, made whole, old treacheries forgiven and old arguments resolved. What had been lost was found. They were gentle together now, slow. It was strange to be so much in love with someone she had loved before and known so well and parted from and then spent more than forty years not knowing….
I found the writing masterful. I put post-its throughout my copy to remind me of pages I wanted to return to, and this photo shows what my book looks like now.
The Amazon ratings are mixed, and I’d love to know the age breakdown for those who loved and those who were bored by this novel. I suspect that the negative reviews were by younger readers or those who don’t have patience for literary fiction that is slow to unfold. At our age, we know that life is slow to unfold, and we don’t need to rush a book any more than we have to rush sex these days! I can’t imagine readers in their sixties and beyond being unmoved by this novel.
If what I’ve written here intrigues you, I hope you’ll read The Years and post your own comments.
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| Nicholas Delbanco, born 1942 |
Eroscillator: buzzing solo or with a partner
Eroscillator attachments
Toys Are Us: My Personal Vibrator History
I bought my first vibrator in my thirties at Macy’s: a “personal care” product for, uh, “massage.” The instructions said nothing about using it for sex, but, wink-wink, I knew.
For decades, I collected vibrators, trying to find the model that would do it for me. I don’t remember if I started with the Wahl (which I named Wally), with its many intriguing attachments, or the Hitachi M
agic Wand (named Big Buzzy), but after buying the first one, I quickly bought another.
Over the next few years, I filled three nightstand drawers with vibrators of all sorts, both plug-in and battery-operated. I had vibrators in the shape of a penis, egg, wand, rabbit, and probably more I’m forgetting. I must have tried every type of vibrator on the planet, not because I love variety but because it was difficult to find the one for me. I’ve always preferred the strength of plug-in rather than battery-operated sex toys, and now that I’m older, I need the most intensity possible. A “light touch” is pleasant, but if my goal is orgasm, it’s got to be strong.
A decade ago, I cleaned out my drawers, threw out the thirty-year-old attachments that had deteriorated into flakes of plastic, discarded the toys I didn’t really like, and kept only my favorites. I hated to throw this large collection in the trash, but I figured neither Goodwill nor my local consignment store would accept used sex toys, and they weren’t old enough to donate to Good Vibrations antique vibrator museum.
I decided I didn’t need all these extra toys anymore because I’ve discovered my favorite: the Eroscillator, an oscillating plug-in designed for clitoral stimulation. It feels great—intense and focused, with its smooth, rotating motion—and it is easy to hold, easy to aim, and easy to adjust intensity during the act. A twelve-foot-long cord makes it work in hotel rooms, where the outlet might be half a wall away. Best of all, the long, slim handle and small vibrating part make it simple and comfortable to use with a partner. It’s expensive—$120 to almost $200*, depending on attachments—but worth every penny.
Because the Eroscillator is endorsed by Dr. Ruth Westheimer and her picture is on the box, I named mine “Dr. Ruth.”
Electrifying Sex: Using Sex Toys with a Partner
At some point after Robert and I became sexual, I asked if he’d be open to using a vibrator with me. His response was a definitive, absolute, “No! I don’t want a machine in the middle of our lovemaking!” He had had no experience with what he called “appliances,” and they didn’t fit with his feelings about lovemaking as natural and spiritual. When I showed him my vibrator, it seemed like a noisy, mechanical thing.
Robert would make me come with his fingers before or after intercourse—I couldn’t come during intercourse at all. My sensations just weren’t strong enough anymore to bring me over the top unless I had really strong, direct, and focused clitoral stimulation. He kept asking if there was anything he could do during intercourse so that I could come that way, and my answer was always, “Only if we use a vibrator at the same time.”
Finally, he agreed to try it. The ease of giving me an orgasm and the intensity of my pleasure won him over. We’ve used it ever since, and it’s part of our love play. Now Robert will say in the middle of sex, “Let’s get my buddy, Dr. Ruth!”
– from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty (2006)
Learn more about the Eroscillator
* 2024 update: These were 2006 prices. Now $200 and up (worth it!), depending on the attachments you buy. Make sure your selection includes the “soft finger”!
Note: I kept this excerpt in present tense although some crucial things have changed:
1. I lost Robert to cancer in 2008, but I still love remembering precious moments like these, and I couldn’t bear to shift the ending of this excerpt to past tense.
2. I now have several favorite vibrators. The Eroscillator is still in the top four for solo sex and top two for partner sex!
#FreeSexAdvice in New York City with Francisco Ramirez
I had the delightful experience of sharing Francisco Ramirez’s #FreeSexAdvice in Union Square, NYC. If you’re not familiar with Francisco’s events, he sets up two chairs in a park along with a sign offering free advice about sex, relationships, and dating. Then he sits down and waits for people to join him and ask their questions.
Yesterday — Saturday, May 2, 2015 — he brought a third chair. A chair for me. We had decided to take advantage of my visit to New York to offer park visitors a sex educator duo. We set up and Francisco tweeted that we were ready.
I thought I knew what to expect, but I was surprised and thrilled that people would actually sit down in the chair and, with very little prompting, start confiding their sexual concerns, stories, and questions. They shared confidences that their partners (if they had partners) didn’t even know. We heard these types of stories, among others:
- I love my partner but we don’t live close enough to see each other regularly. I’m cheating when we’re apart, feel guilty about it and keep promising “this is the last time,” but I can’t seem to stop.
- I was brought up in a church that condemns same-sex relationships. I know I’m a lesbian and I want a wife. But I love my religion!
- Will masturbating to x-rated man-woman pornography make me a pedophile? I’ve heard that porn does that.
- I live with a younger man. It was okay at first, but now it’s just blow jobs and giving him money. I don’t leave him because I’m afraid of being lonely.
- I don’t have much trouble finding people for hook-ups, but I’d like a real relationship. Should I be pickier?
Often people talked to us for 15 minutes, getting deeper into their stories, as Francisco and I asked questions to clarify the issues and offered advice. Sometimes the people arrived at revelations and conclusions that they hadn’t expected, and after they left, Francisco and I turned to each other and said, “We really helped someone just now.” It was deeply satisfying to how good information and a new perspective could change people!
Many thanks to Francisco for including me in this great adventure. We’ve already agreed that we’ll do it again next time I’m in New York.
The New, Rechargeable Magic Wand!
2/7/25 update:
I’m updating this 2015 post because the Magic Wand Rechargeable is in the news again for two reasons:
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Several of us (see comments) are among the 1,000 participants in the Magic Wand Study this month.
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The New York Times Wirecutter declared the Magic Wand Rechargeable “the best vibrator.” I’m delighted that this article referenced me, Naked at Our Age, and my post “Vibrators for Seniors – especially for first-timers“! (Thank you, Bianca Alba!)
Original review published 4/13/15:
If you read my reviews, you know that I love the Magic Wand. For decades (yes, decades, with a couple of improvements along the way), it has been the King of Vibrators.
Now there’s a new king in town: the Magic Wand Rechargeable. It has everything we loved about the Original Magic Wand (reviewed here) plus 4 new attributes that make it the ideal sex tool for those of us who need really strong vibrations:
- It’s rechargeable! No need to look for an outlet near the bed or get tangled in cords — just charge it ahead of time, and it’s usable cord-free.
- Silicone head! The silicone covering of the head is not only more body-safe than the previous wand, it’s softer, a little cushy, which feels really good.
- Four speeds! Instead of the previous two speeds (high and turbo high), we have four choices. The lowest speed is rumbly and great for warm-up (for most of us), or if you don’t need super-strong, the first two speeds might be all you need. Turbo users can turn it up from level 1 to higher, extra high, or unbelievably high. According to Good Vibrations, here’s a comparison of intensity levels:
- Original Magic Wand: 1- 5000 rpms (vibrations/ minute); 2- 6000 rpms
- Rechargeable Magic Wand: 1- 2,700 rpms; 2- 3,800 rpms; 3- 5,400 rpms; 4- 6,300 rpms
- Patterns. I don’t really care about patterns — just give me strong, steady vibrations, thank you. But for those of you who like to experiment with patterns, there are four of them.
Being so strong, it has to be large to house the motor. Like previous iterations, this Magic Wand is big (13″ long with a tennis-ball sized head) and heavy — caution if you have arthritic wrists. On the other hand, it works so well that you’ll likely reach your goal in a very short time, compared to other sex toys!
The silicone head cover is not removable, so you have to be careful cleaning it — just wipe it clean.
The Magic Wand Rechargeable is priced in line with other rechargeable vibrators and well worth the money. (Please don’t be duped into buying it cheaper on Amazon. The cheap ones may be labeled Magic Wand, but they might not be — they might be knock-offs with inferior materials and design, and just try to get a refund when they overheat or stop working. Don’t risk it, seriously.)
I’m shouting, I’m singing, I’m dancing, I’m loving this new Magic Wand! Thank you, Good Vibrations, for gifting me the Magic Wand Rechargeable in exchange for an honest review.
(Originally published 4/13/15)
