Dating Advice to Men Over 50, 60, 70+
7/28/14: I wrote this in 2010. I’m updating it now, with a few more years of experience with dating as a senior. Here’s what I said in 2010, with updates italicized in blue.
Yes, I’ve started online dating, and I’m actually enjoying it.
I realize that my enjoyment goes hand in hand with not having anything at stake, no big expectations. I’m not looking to replace Robert (couldn’t be done even if I wanted to, which I don’t) or find someone to give my life meaning and joy (my life already has meaning and joy). I want to bring more male energy into my life, meet new people, get out, have new experiences. If that results in connecting with someone wonderful, that’s a big bonus.
I wrote this on a message board for women over 50 in response to one person who was scared to date:
If you think of dating as your way to learn about another person and about yourself without risking anything, it can be fun — go for coffee or a walk or dinner with someone new, talk, see what you both enjoy discussing and doing. It’s when you think of dating as auditioning a potential soul mate that it becomes fraught with anxiety, unpleasantness, and emotional danger.
First dates aren’t scary to me in the least. I’m interested in learning what we do and don’t have in common, and which of the divergences matter a lot. Plus, the writer in me loves hearing people’s stories, and first dates are a great way to learn a huge amount in an hour, because it’s expected that we share our stories.
Although I’m newly dating after almost ten years, I already have some strong opinions about online dating do’s and don’t’s. (When did you ever know me to not have strong opinions?) Here are a few, aimed at men because that’s my experience. I’m sure I’ll add more as I proceed, and I encourage you to add your own. (Be constructive, not nasty, please.)
1. Please use a current image as your default photo. It’s fine to include older photos also — I love to see the long, bushy hair you wore in 1969!–but label them with the year, and make those secondary photos, not your main one.
2. Include at least one recently taken close-up of your face. Do. Not. Wear. Sunglasses. I can’t tell you how many profiles I skip over because the man is wearing sunglasses. I need to see your eyes. (I can’t believe how many men wear sunglasses in their profile photos. Please, guys!)
3. Have a photo taken if you don’t have one already. You don’t need to go to a photography studio — all your friends have digital cameras. Make your default photo just you — no buddies on a fishing trip, no arms around a woman who might be your daughter or maybe your ex-wife, and absolutely no edited photo with the woman at your side cropped out (we can tell)!
4. Smile! Most of the profiles that men post show them either scowling or looking intently serious. I know that’s because you’re taking selfies and you don’t want to put on your reading glasses to see the tiny screen. Ask someone else to take your photo, and smile as if you’re glad to meet us.
3. Describe what makes you interesting and unique. Skip the usual “I like moonlight walks on the beach,” etc. — if everyone who said this actually did it, the beaches would be crowded at nighttime, and they’re not. Instead, think about the qualities and interests that will attract us and make you stand out from all the other profiles we’re reading.
Please, good men, I know you’re out there. How do we find you?
Since I’m a straight woman reading men’s profiles, this post is slanted to my experience. Help me expand it. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences, likes and dislikes, and pet peeves about the people of any gender whom you meet (or choose not to meet) through online dating. I hope you’ll comment!
Has society’s view of senior sex changed? Question for my readers
7/17/14 update: I originally wrote this post October 2012. At that time, it seemed to me that our society’s attitudes towards senior sexuality were finally starting to shift. When I began writing and speaking about the this topic in 2005, I was a rare voice talking publicly about this subject. In the past couple of years, I think we’ve made gigantic strides. A large — and loud! — community of sex educators, writers, workshop presenters, therapists, and sex-positive seniors are shattering the ageist sexual myths that our society accepted for generations, such as that our aging bodies have an expiration date when it comes to sexual pleasure. What do you think?
Do you think that senior sex is now accepted, even celebrated, compared to five or ten years ago? I hope you’ll comment here.
Sometimes I really feel we’re changing society’s view of aging and sexuality — other times, I wonder if I’m deluded because I surround myself with open-minded, sex-positive people who applaud my ideas and communicate similar messages to their followers.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the momentum of the world I want to live in that I think we’ve already achieved it — but have we?
Are we just a small (but loud!) part of a society that still sees sexually exuberant seniors as laughable? Or are things really changing?
When my first senior sex book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty came out in 2006, it caused quite a stir in the media because it celebrated the joys of senior sex and included details of what was hot about sex after 60. (My personal favorite moment in that book is the nail-filing section — I love the smiles I see from women when I read that part aloud during a speech!)
Then I wrote Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex (2011) to address the challenges that prevent sex at our age from being as spicy and fulfilling as it can be. This book has won two major awards and is used and recommended by therapists and sex educators. I’m proud and grateful to all the people who contributed to that book.
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Now I’m interviewed a lot and invited to speak at conferences and other gatherings. It really feels like I’m living in a world that recognizes that our sexuality is lifelong and ageless, and no matter what else is happening in our lives — medically, emotionally, partnered or not — we are capable of this pleasure.
I hope you’ll post a comment so that this topic can become a discussion rather than one woman’s monologue –or her wishful thinking!
62-year-old Woman Seeks Man for Sex
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| Lucy, age 62 |
Lucy, a 62-year-old woman from Santa Fe, NM, wrote to me:
Joan—I’m bisexual and have always loved sex with men. Unfortunately as I age, I find men in my age group don’t have much interest in getting right to sex — they just want to “date”—interminably.
If there were just places where a woman could safely buy a man’s time, tell him what she wants, and then complete the transaction I would totally do that. I did find Cowboys4Angels, which advertises “Straight Male Escorts For Women,” but the closest one is in Las Vegas.
Am I crazy? Why is it men can buy sex anywhere but women have to “date”? And yeah, I know I’m old, but I’ve been asking this question for decades. I don’t want the man, I want the fucking (and I swear this is a legit letter). Please answer.
I went first to my colleagues and followers on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where I can always count on a community willing to share knowledge, opinions, and experiences. Here are some of their suggestions:
One reader wrote, “I’ve heard men from Rentboy.com — which is a gay male service — say they either happily take female customers already, or they would be happy to take female customers.”
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| Sabrina Morgan |
Sabrina Morgan, sex and dating coach and sex workers’ rights advocate, agrees. “Contacting a guy on Rentboy.com and asking if he’s comfortable with female clients is a great first step, as is looking for straight male escort directories. There’s ConciergeDuMonde.com, which has several reputable independents.”
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| Hercules Liotard |
How do you find an escort? “If you do a web search for ‘straight male escorts’ or (although I hate the term) ‘gigolos’ and the closest large city, you will get various agencies and independent providers that will come up in your area,” suggests Hercules Liotard, The Pleasure Coach.
You said you wanted full-on partner sex, but if you or other readers would enjoy an erotic, intimate massage (highly recommended, as you’ll read in Naked at Our Age!), check out providers like Hercules, who is based in Los Angeles. Search “intimate massage” and your city to find a provider near you.
Whether you’re hiring an intimate massage practitioner or an escort, Hercules has this advice about safety:
The number one key factor for women who hire men for sex is the trust factor. Is this person safe? When talking with the women I work with, this comes up almost every time in the conversation. They chose me because my site was inviting and interesting. I answered their questions and concerns in advance and did not try to rush them into an appointment. I had reviews and a good standing in the community, and that all made them feel safe.
So I would say that any woman should look for these same qualities when contacting anyone. Shop around!
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| Pamela Madsen |
Pamela Madsen, Sex and Intimacy Coach and Co-Director of Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, shared these thoughts:
Many women work with Sacred Intimates, Escorts or Sexological Body Workers. It’s not so underground anymore! The rules for sexual interaction change from man to man and practice to practice. Sexological Body workers can provide an amazing experience for women who want to experience one-way touch in a very safe environment with boundaries. Women who are looking for two-way touch experiences such as intercourse and oral sex would be better served by working with a Sacred Intimate or an Escort.
No matter who a woman chooses to work with, it’s important for her to find out the practitioner’s boundaries, STD status, and get references — as well as find out about pricing ahead of time. Many female sex coaches, like myself, work with men who work erotically with women, and can provide direction and referrals.
Do you have to hire someone if you want a sexual encounter? No. You can find casual sex online with like-minded partners without hiring a professional. Craigslist has a personals ads category titled “Casual Encounters.” (Yes, there’s a Sante Fe section, Lucy.) Some of the ads are pretty raunchy, others are straightforward (“looking for…”), and some are quite plaintive (“not much sex from my partner no matter how much energy I put out”). You can search by age if you wish.
Personally, I’d feel nervous and vulnerable using Craigslist for a casual encounter, because you don’t know anything about the person placing the ad, but clearly most people do get the results they want, or it wouldn’t be as popular as it is. Do I sound unnecessarily cautious, readers?
Sometimes approaching a man whom you meet in your daily life can lead to an interesting and satisfying connection. Seth, a man of our age, emailed me to share his experience:
My casual sex partner is a lady who walked up to me while eating dinner at a restaurant and asked if I could give her a ride home. Wonderful conversation, and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come in. Conversation continued, and when I got up to leave, she asked if I would like to stay. I did.
We have both continued our connection. It’s very straightforward. She calls and asks if I would like some loving. There are times I’ll say no. Both of our needs get met. We don’t discuss our connection with anyone. So delightful to walk in with sex on both of our minds. Clothes come flying off. We both enjoy our sexuality. Then we both go back to running our businesses.
What didn’t work is a woman who sat down next to me and started a conversation that made it clear she was hitting on me. “Gigolo?” she asked. That felt strange to me and I didn’t pursue that line of conversation.
A reader who wishes to remain unnamed recommends AdultFriendFinder.com,a huge sex site with 55 million members that aims to help you find “worldwide sex dates, adult matches, hookups and fuck friends.” My reader says,
I was 61 when I started “playing” with AdultFriendFinder. But, of course, you have to be very good at vetting the men who e-mail you. If you do a good job of vetting, you will find that there are a lot of very nice men on there who want to give a woman pleasure, as well as getting their own pleasure, with no strings attached.
Also, you can find no strings attached sex on some of the free regular dating sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. One of the interesting things is that there are so many younger men who are looking for older women. On POF, I found a 31-year-old with whom I had a 4-month dalliance, until he found a woman he wanted to marry, then he broke it off with me. He was very sweet.
I asked several of the younger men who e-mailed me why they were interested in a woman who is so much older than they are. They all gave pretty much the same reasons: “Older women don’t play games. Older women know how to please a man. Older women are comfortable in their bodies.” Yup, we are hot stuff!
“Hot stuff” indeed! Let us know how your quest turns out, Lucy!
I welcome your comments, but I do not permit solicitation or attempts to draw my readers to sites for porn, escorts, or any retail sites I have not vetted. If you wish to advertise on this blog to reach our sex-positive seniors, email me. Don’t try to submit a comment aiming to get free advertising for a site I haven’t approved. It won’t work, and it makes me extremely cranky.
“Warm apple pie”: wisdom from Paul Joannides, AASECT 2014 (part 1)
What do you imagine happens when a professional organization of sex therapists, educators, researchers, and professors spend a weekend together in Monterey, California? That’s right – they talk about sex, learn about the latest sex research, listen to presentations by masters in the field, network and share resources, and take copious notes.
I had the pleasure of being among them at the annual conference of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), June 5-8, 2014. (This is the organization that gave Naked At Our Age the 2012 Book Award!) The weekend was packed with information.
One of my favorite presentations was a spirited and savvy slide-show illustrated talk by Paul Joannides, Psy.D, author of the excellent self-help guide for young people, Guide to Getting It On! A Book About the Wonders of Sex. His presentation — usually given to college students — was entitled “I Wish My Clitoris Was Bigger, So My Boyfriend Could Find It.”
The title is, of course, ironic. Young people exploring sex may have heard that the clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, but they (and we?) have little understanding of the structure of the clitoris. It’s not just the little nubbin that’s erect and usually visible when aroused.
The bigger issue, of course, is how, when, and where to give the clitoris the attention it needs. Since every clitoris owner gets pleasure in a different way, it’s up to her to discover what works for her and convey it to her confused but willing partner.
- “No matter how many women you’ve been with, the first time you’re between the legs of a new woman, it feels like warm apple pie.”
- “He thinks, ‘I have no idea what I’m doing.’ She thinks, ‘I can’t tell him because he’s a guy and he’s supposed to know.’”
- “Even the best partners are clueless about your amazing vagina. It’s your job to teach him and his job to learn.”
- “85% of the women who have orgasms during intercourse need a clitoral assist, not through thrusting alone.”
- “The single most damaging aspect of porn is the expectation that the guy is supposed to automatically know how to please a partner. That’s a toxic idea.”
- “Because she’s having intercourse [in porn], and that part’s real, you forget that she’s faking the pleasure.
- “For some reason, porn actors do not have a gag reflex. That must be what they go to porn school for.”
- “When it comes to sex, we’re always a work in progress. We’re changing from the day we’re born until we’re really old.”
