Want to make some changes in your sex life?
These New Year’s Resolutions will make a big difference,
and they’re easy and fun to put into action.
Redefine Sex. The ways you used to have sex are no longer possible or pleasurable now? Don’t let that close off your sexual expression. Instead, expand your definition of sex to include all the activities that arouse you and bring you sexual pleasure now, partnered or solo. Embracing a new definition of sex expands your possibilities for pleasure. Read this account of Shamus MacDuff’s experience and view my most popular webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”
Track the Tingle. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most sexually responsive. When you feel the “tingle” – that quiver of erotic possibility – set aside time to indulge yourself sexually or schedule that time on your next free day.
Use High Quality Lubricant. A lubricant that keeps you moist and slick will increase comfort and intensify your pleasure. Use lube liberally both solo and with a partner, and reapply frequently. See my “Senior’s Guide to Lubrication” for how to choose your lube. Purchase from one of the vetted retailers you’ll find advertising on my blog, not the drugstore brands.
Self-Pleasure Frequently. Solo sex is real sex, and it’s good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. Give yourself sexual pleasure, whether you’re in a relationship or not. You’re celebrating your body’s ability to give you exquisite pleasure.
Enjoy Sex Toys. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm. A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm. This blog is full of vibrator reviews from a senior perspective. View my “Sex Toys for Seniors” webinar for more. Read the many sex toy reviews on this blog.
Celebrate Responsive Desire. This is for you if you enjoy sex when you do it, but you rarely feel desire in advance. You’re experiencing “responsive desire”: your desire follows sensations of pleasure and physiological arousal instead of preceding it. So get started, open yourself to pleasure and stimulation, and your desire will kick in.
Exercise Before Sex. Increasing your blood flow with physical activity isn’t only good for the heart and muscles — it’s also good for sexual function and pleasure. One of the best things we can do to speed up arousal and orgasm is regular exercise, especially before sex. Jumpstart your exercise program with “fitness minutes” from The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book.
Sex Before Food. Eating before sex sends the blood flow to your digestive system instead of your genitals. Have sex first, then eat. Sexual arousal will be easier, orgasms will be more reliable, and you will relish that meal afterward.
Indulge Your Erotic Imagination. Fantasize, read erotica, view films that turn you on. Don’t judge yourself for the kinds of images, fantasies, or private thoughts that get you revved up. Your brain is your most powerful sex organ. For more about fantasies, read Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want. For an anthology of erotica by authors over 50 featuring steamy characters over 50, read Ageless Erotica!
Use Your Words. Learning to talk about sex is the key to getting what you want. A long-term partner is likely to continue doing what used to work, even if it doesn’t work for you now, unless you redirect the action. A new partner is wants to know how to please you. Speak up. Do your partner the favor of revealing what turns you on and what you’re in the mood for.
Have Sex More Often. Difficulty with arousal and orgasm is a good reason to have more sex, not less. The penis and the clitoris require blood flow for engorgement. The more you engage in stimulation – partnered or solo — the more easily the blood flows to the genitals.
Use Safer Sex. If you’re sexual with new partners, use barrier protection. Many people with sexually transmitted infections (STIs) either don’t know or don’t tell. Use barrier protection (condoms for intercourse and fellatio, dental dams for cunnilingus) every time. Learn more from my entertaining free video, “Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price.”
Schedule Weekly Orgasms. If we waited until sex happened spontaneously, we might never have another orgasm. Schedule sex at least weekly, partnered or solo. The sexy anticipation –mental foreplay! — makes it even hotter when it happens.
Enlist Help. If you’re having sexual problems in your relationship, see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor. Therapy will help you identify the underlying issues, teach you how to communicate more effectively, and give you new strategies.
Talk to Your Doctor. Difficulty with arousal, erections, orgasm, or pain requires medical attention. If your doctor is dismissive or unable to help, ask for a referral to someone who is more knowledgeable about your concern and more accepting of you as a sexual being.
Learn, Learn, Learn. Read the books and websites that offer reliable information about sex and aging. Take online classes and webinars. For an educational and explicit treat, watch the award-winning “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex,” which I co-created.
Which of these are you already doing?
Which ones will you put into action this year? Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
(This article first appeared in a slightly different form in my Senior Planet column, Jan. 8, 2018.)
Lucky me, many sex toys cross my path and vie for my reviews from a senior perspective. When I’m not working on a review (“This is work?” you ask. Actually, it is, and also wonderful), I reach for my favorites. Here are the toys that win my current “keep these charged and within reach at all times!” status. A couple have been favorites for decades. Others are new discoveries. All are recommended for our age group, because of their strength, ease of use, and high quality.
Though I can’t promise that you’ll have the same experience I do, I find that these come pretty close to guaranteeing orgasms, even at our age. Check out my sex toy gift guide.
But first —
Tips for gift-giving a vibrator
- Make sure that you’re prioritizing the way your giftee receives pleasure, not what you think they ought to enjoy. Best way to find out? Show your lover this post and ask what they’d like best. Don’t worry about ruining the surprise. Foreknowledge is better than an embarrassing surprise of a vibrator that your giftee doesn’t want and doesn’t like. A gift certificate might be a good choice, if available from your chosen retailer.
- Absolutely do not look for a cheap knock-off to save some bucks. If you needed a power tool to get a job done, you wouldn’t buy one of unknown origin, from a shady vendor, with no warranty, with parts made of questionable material and a motor that sputters instead of gets the job done, would you? So why would you trust a lover’s intimate parts to a low-quality, short-lived, even potentially chemically toxic product?
- Buy quality, and please support the folks who care about your health, safety, and pleasure (such as the retailers I link to in the sidebar and in reviews) instead of an unknown vendor or the richest retailer in the world (you know who I mean).
- If you haven’t treated your own genitals to a special gift lately, find one for yourself as well! Not sure what you’d like? Read How to Choose a Vibrator and answer the questions.
Note that the first mention of each toy below links to my or Shamus’s review of that vibrator, so you can learn more before deciding if it’s for you. Within the original review, links go to retailers that I endorse and that are supportive of my senior sex pleasure and education, not just sales.
Joan’s Five Favorite Sex Toys for Vulva Owners
From my first one purchased in the “personal care” department of Macys to the updated rechargeable version from Good Vibrations, the Magic Wand has been my vulva’s solo sex companion for half a century. This version has a large, wipe-clean silicone head, and four speeds. Since it’s rechargeable, no cords to deal with when in use and no need for an outlet. It’s heavy and loud, but it does its one job very, very well, and it’s built to last for years. This is the one to reach for when you want super strong clitoral stimulation for an easy orgasm. (Note that it’s an external vibrator, which I have to mention because I get questions about how it fits in a vagina. It doesn’t!)
Eco is a beautiful, environment-friendly, ergonomic clitoral stimulator using “Pleasure Air Technology.” It feels like your clitoris is being gently sucked or nibbled and vibrated at the same time. This model is unusual because all its parts are recyclable. Like all the Womanizer pleasure tools, it’s powerful, and the sensations are unlike any other kind of vibrator. Everything about the Eco is special: the feel, the appearance, even the cotton bag. I recently reviewed three Womanizer models, and all three are treats for your (or your lover’s) clitoris.
Oh, Eroscillator, let me count the ways! This clitoral stimulator has been my orgasm tool of choice since long before I started writing about sex or reviewing sex toys. I’ve used it joyfully (a) solo; (b) with a partner for clitoral stimulation during intercourse; and (c) for clitoral stimulation during partner-assisted “outercourse.” Up to 3600 steady “oscillations” a minute make orgasm easy and thrilling. The Eroscillator comes with snap-on attachments so you can vary the shape of the head. My favorite is the “soft finger” (I call it the “marshmallow”) attachment, shown here. Caveat: it needs to be plugged in during use.
The Touch X is the ideal travel vibrator, whether you’re on a long trip or a hot date. Tiny enough to pack in a pocket or purse, the intensity is surprisingly strong — powerful enough for our slow-burning, senior vulvas. The innovative shape lets you choose to envelop the vulva or use the tip for pinpoint sensation. It’s small enough not to get in the way during penetrative partner sex, too. Compared to older versions of the Touch, this one is even stronger and more rumbly, with improved controls for ease of use. Rechargeable, completely waterproof.
Oh my goodness, the Kurve, a strong, rumbly vibrator designed for vaginal penetrative pleasure, is my clear winner for 2021 sex toy innovation. The dual motors create a party in your vagina of deep, throbby bass vibrations coupled with higher (but not buzzy) treble frequencies. It cuddles the G-spot with intense vibrations yet the pressure at the tip is soft and cushiony. This orgasm tool is for you if your vagina enjoys the feeling of fullness with vibrations, and 1.5 inch diameter of the biggest insertive part isn’t a problem. (I’ve talked to Hot Octopuss about the need for slimmer toys for many senior women — stay tuned!)
I asked Shamus MacDuff to choose his favorite sex toys, too. He selected two recently reviewed favorites and two all-time, never-fail favorites:
Shamus Macduff’s Four Favorite Sex Toys for Penis Owners
Ion is manufactured specifically to entertain a penis solo. My suggested instructions for your pleasure: (1) Lube the tube; (2) Lube your penis; (3) Insert Penis A in Tube B; (4) Fasten your seatbelt; (5) Find the “magic spot” in the ION tube that initiates the action on your frenulum; (6) Hang on for a ride!
JETT is purely a penis joy toy. Revel in the sensations of its variable bass and treble motors. Make music using JETT’s 10 vibration patterns. Its flexible sleeve fits over the penis and the two vibrating stainless steel balls scoot underneath. A separate battery-powered control box connects by cords. JETT is my “go-to” masturbation toy.
The versatile Volta vibrator was made with vulva owners in mind. But my partner and I find that it works wonderfully on a penis, either combined with fellatio or as a well-lubed stroker. Volta also feels marvelous on nipples or any other erogenous zone. It is our prime sex tool when my partner wants to pleasure me and is also fun for solo sex.
NŌS is a clever little device that fits on a penis and vibrates at different power levels. The vibrations will make you hard quickly and wearing it as a cock ring will help you keep your erection. Wear the the ring around the base of the penis with the open parts dropping down to provide delightful sensations to the testicles. Or place the ring just behind the ridge at the head of the penis to send thrumming vibrations to the frenulum and the sensitive ridge simultaneously. While marketed for partner play, it’s great for solo pleasure.
Want sex toy education and more choices?
Enjoy my Sex Toys for Seniors webinar
At our age, a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between orgasm or no orgasm. What do vibrators do that a hand or partner can’t? How do I choose the best one(s)? What if my partner doesn’t want me to use a sex toy? Will using a vibrator decrease my sensitivity? Will I become dependent on a vibrator? Are there good sex toys for penises as well as vulvas?
Sex Toys for Seniors webinar includes:
- Joan’s criteria for evaluating sex toys
- 8 questions to help you choose your personal vibrator.
- 5 myths and facts about vibrators.
- Show-and-tell: Joan’s highly recommended sex toys for seniors.
- Links for recommended sex toys.
Although this 90-minute webinar was made in 2017, it’s as relevant today, and you’ll likely discover a new favorite (or first favorite!) orgasm tool!
Don’t forget the lube!
For sexy times when you’re not using a silicone sex toy, you can’t beat the smooth, slick feeling of überlube silicone lube. Being silicone, it won’t dry up in use, making it perfect for both penetrative and non-penetrative sex. It’s condom compatible and never sticky. The travel-friendly refillable case with insert makes a great gift for yourself or a lover. I’ve given gifts of überlube to friends who say it immediately became their favorite brand.
It’s fun to try new brands of lubricants. Lucky Bloke offers many different lubricant sample packs. Choose from silicone, water-based, or flavored. These are great for travel, personal exploration, and to tuck in an overnight bag or purse for a date that might turn special. And if you’re single or not fluid-bonded with your partner(s), Lucky Bloke specializes in condoms of all types, brands, materials, and sizes. Try a sampler pack of condoms.
For use with silicone sex toys, you’ll want to use water-based lubricant. Wicked Sensual Care has a new line called Simply that’s pH-balanced and free of glycerin, propylene glycol, parabens, and fragrance. There are several options, and I especially recommend Simply Aqua Jelle, which is a thicker and longer-lasting formulation.
For an oral sex treat, try the remarkable flavored lubricants from Wicked Sensual Care. My favorite? Mango! Try one or both of the two Teasers sampler packs — Coffee House mix and Fresh Fruit Mix — with four luscious flavors each. Just between us, these flavored lubes don’t work as lubricants as much as “flavoring” during oral sex because they’re so tasty that you’ll end up slurping up every drop. The recipient of your oral ministrations won’t mind that one bit.
I encountered the first Womanizer clitoral stimulator in 2015, and I was shocked by the name. Did this German company really name a vulva sexual-pleasure product after the generic philanderer, a man who uses and deceives women? But because the quality was so marvelous, I got used to the name.
It was similar to getting used to the name “iPad,” which also shocked me when it came out in 2010. “Why would Apple name a new product after a woman’s sanitary napkin?” I asked my friends. “Don’t any women work at Apple?” I got used to it. I’ve forgiven both Apple and Womanizer for jarring my sensibilities.
I’ve been reviewing Womanizer products ever since, and each iteration delights even more. The two newest Womanizers that I own — the Premium Eco and Premium — are so wonderful that I can’t choose which I like best. Both models, like all Womanizer sex toys, use “Pleasure Air Technology”: air pulses with vibrations. The combo feels like gentle sucking and vibrating at the same time. For best results, use water-based lubricant on both your clitoris and the stimulator head. Luscious. Orgasmic.
Although they look similar in the photo except for color, and they do feel similar in use, they are made of different materials and each has unique qualities. For clarity, I’ll refer to the Premium Eco as “Eco” to differentiate it from the “Premium” (non-Eco).
Here’s what the two models have in common:
- 12 intensity levels, from subtle to yowza. As power-hungry as I am, I don’t need the strongest setting, and that’s rare for me.
- “Smart Silence.” It’s only active when it’s in contact with your skin. That means no fumbling to turn it off if interrupted, or if you need to add more lube. Just break contact with your skin and it goes into standby mode until it touches you again. Sweet.
- Two stimulator heads of slightly different shapes and sizes so your clitoris gets the fit she likes. The head pops off for cleaning.
- Ergonomic design. The shape is easy to hold, and there are no vibrations in the handle — which my arthritic wrist appreciates greatly. The controls are simple to use without looking, and you won’t accidentally turn it off.
- Easy USB charging with magnetic connection.
- 5-year warranty coverage for all Womanizer products.
Here’s how these two models differ:
- They turn on and off differently.
- Start the Eco by pressing the “+” button until the little light goes on. Note that the motor won’t start until the head is in contact with your skin. Turn it off by pressing and holding the “-” button.
- Turn the Premium on or off by pressing and holding the tiny power button above the three dots near the end of the handle. Use the “+” or “-” button to increase or decrease the intensity.
- Getting wet: The Eco is splash-proof only. The Premium is completely waterproof.
- “Autopilot.” On the Premium, when this feature is activated, intensity levels alternate randomly. This doesn’t appeal to me because I like to be in charge of the intensity, but if you like surprises, this could be a cool feature.
- The Eco manual is short, to the point, clearly written and illustrated with diagrams, always black print on white page. And if you lose the booklet, here it is online. Save this link because when it’s time to recycle, it tells you how.
- The Premium, however, includes a hefty, multi-language booklet with — get this! — white print on a pinkish-beige page. C’mon, Womanizer, we’ve got some old eyes here. In other words, it’s illegible. Because I like to save the day when I can, I’ve tracked down a PDF version of the manual with print you can read and enlarge to your eyes’ content. You’re welcome.
What’s Special about the Eco?
Eco is made with bio-based material that is also biodegradable. The whole thing is recyclable (once disassembled, which the manual illustrates). The amount of plastic is drastically reduced. Inside is a 14500 cylindrical 3.7 V lithium-ion rechargeable battery which may need to be replaced eventually. Even the cord and bag are environment-friendly.
What About Travel?
Tuck the lovely little Liberty into your travel bag for orgasms on the go. The Liberty lives in a sleek, beautifully shaped case that is magnetized so that the two halves seal together. Of course it’s not as strong as the bigger models, but it still packs a punch with 6 intensity levels. And it’s waterproof!
Note that the Liberty turns both on and off by pressing and holding the “+” button. It would be nice if all the models used the same on-off process, but if that’s my only complaint, no need to get grumpy about it.
Womanizer + Clitoris = Orgasm
Despite the name, Womanizer products have been delighting clitoris owners for years. I’ve personally reviewed six models here, and only one, the Starlet, disappointed. From the first utterly garish model to the current elegant deliverers of delight, Womanizer sex toys are among my top choices for dependable, euphoric orgasms. Of course we’re all different, and the “pleasure air technology” may or may not be your path to pleasure. Speaking as one 78-year-old woman, it sure does it for me.
In case you’re wondering why almost every sex toy that I review gets a rave recommendation:
Yes, I test my share of vibrators that disappoint. But why waste your time or mine reviewing a product that you don’t need to know about? (Exception: if the product gets a lot of undeserved hype, or is so hilariously unsexy that I want you to laugh with me, like the Orgasmatron 3-corded jackhammer and the Siime Eye for vaginal selfies.)
Most of the vibrators that I decide not to review aren’t bad, but they’re nothing special. Maybe they’re not close to strong enough, or they’re awkward to use, or they’re like so many others that there’s not much new to say. I don’t want you to have to wade through reviews of products that aren’t stellar when there are gems that I want you to know about that you might not encounter on your own. I realize that a sex toy that leaves me “eh!” might strike someone else as “yeah!” so I’m not going to pan it, I just don’t review it. My sex toy providers understand that sending me a product is not a guarantee of a review.
Many of us over 60 are widowed, divorced, or maybe single our whole lives. We’ve gotten used to being independent. We’ve created a life for ourselves, with our own routines, habits, activities, and friends. We’re happy living on our own.
Then we meet someone — and ka boom!
Hearts aflutter, sex drive in high gear, intimacy is ours. We fall in love. Our closeness grows. We feel a strong commitment to each other. Our next step must be…
No, no, no! We don’t want to get married. We don’t even want to live together.
We relish our visits — especially the overnight ones! — and we equally relish the return to our own home afterwards. For many of us, the idea of marriage or even cohabitation may be unattractive, undesirable, or unworkable. Because of our personalities or our circumstances, we don’t want to mingle homes, finances, and legal obligations. Fortunately, there’s a lifestyle choice and relationship modality that describes what we want, and many of us are living that way now.
LAT is shorthand for “living apart together.” LAT is a long-term, committed, romantic connection without an intent to share a home.
LAT presents an attractive long-term relationship alternative to traditional marriage. It is a lifestyle choice—a new emergent family form, especially among older adults.
In a LAT relationship, a couple who’ve developed strong, loving feelings for one another nevertheless choose to reside separately. Usually, they get together on a regular basis, but each retains a separate abode. People in a LAT relationship treasure their times together, and they equally value their autonomy and alone time. LAT offers the separation that complements our need for togetherness. For many, it provides the best of both worlds.
Why might you, as seniors, prefer a LAT relationship over marriage or living together?
- You each maintain your own home and private space.
- You each retain and interact with your own friends and social network.
- You each keep control over your own finances.
- You each pursue activities and hobbies which may not interest the other partner.
- You rely on each other for emotional intimacy and support without being together all the time.
- You celebrate your personal autonomy concurrent with the joy of regular close companionship.
- By not cohabiting 24/7, the time you spend together is ever sweeter.
Does LAT appeal to you? Do you live that way now? Any tips for readers who are considering LAT? We welcome your comments, experiences, and questions.