When Sexual Desire Changes – and What to do About It
“I just don’t feel sexual desire anymore,” many senior women tell me. They miss the excitement, pleasure, and intimacy of sex, and they ask me how to fix this. Others have decided that they’re done with sex and wish their partners would stop pressuring them. Often the lovers and spouses are the ones who reach out to me: “My partner doesn’t desire sex with me anymore, and it’s killing me.”
Many seniors find that sex continues to be terrific, even better than ever, and finally we’re talking out loud about that. But those who avoid sex out of lack of desire usually think that’s just the way things are when we age — but that’s not true!
Spontaneous vs responsive desire
As we age and hormones recede, we may not feel that biological urge or drive for sex anymore. Our bodies and brain don’t automatically kick into gear, even with someone who would have inspired us to peel off our clothes a few decades ago. In fact, there’s nothing “automatic” about our sexual responses at all. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel desire. It means you don’t feel “spontaneous desire,” which is biologically driven, propelled by hormones.
As we age, spontaneous desire wanes, that’s normal. But that isn’t the only way to experience desire, and it doesn’t have to close down our sexual pleasure.
“Responsive desire” means that you feel desire in response to pleasure and arousal. In other words, instead of having sex because you feel desire in advance, you’re letting yourself relax and open to the pleasure and stimulation of physiological arousal. Then the desire will kick in.
How do you know if this is relevant to you personally? Do you ever resist sex at first because you’re not particularly in the mood, but once you get started, your arousal grows and then you’re really into it? That’s responsive desire. That’s especially true if, at the end, you say, “Wow, that was good. Why don’t we do that more often?”
As Emily Nagoski, Ph. D, explains in Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life:
The standard narrative of sexual desire is that it just appears – you’re sitting at lunch or walking down the street, maybe you see a sexy person or think a sexy thought, and pow! You’re saying to yourself, “I would like some sex!” This is how it works for maybe 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women…That’s “spontaneous” desire.
But some people find that they begin to want sex only after sexy things are already happening. And they’re normal. They don’t have “low” desire, they don’t suffer from any ailment… Their bodies just need some more compelling reason than, “That’s an attractive person right there,” to want sex.
For more about women’s sexual desire and response, I heartily recommend Nagoski’s book. Read more about spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
How to talk with your partner
Lack of communication makes lack of desire far worse. The jilted partner thinks, “It’s me. My lover doesn’t desire me anymore.” The partner who’s been turned away over and over feels frustrated, alone, unloved, unwanted. They may decide that cheating, leaving, or becoming a monk are the only options. Soon it’s not just sex that feels mismatched — it’s the whole relationship.
Don’t let that happen. Talk to each other openly, lovingly, without blame. Listen to each other without interrupting. Ask for clarification. When you respond to the other, explain your feelings without arguing or coming across as defensive.
Read these sample scripts. Would one of them help get you started? If not, write your own.
• “I admit I’ve been resisting sex lately and I know this hurts you. I love you very much, and I’d like to explain what’s going on for me and hear how you feel.”
• “I’m having difficulty feeling sexual desire. It’s not you — it’s how my body is working these days. I’ve learned about something called ‘responsive desire’ that I’d like to tell you about. Then let’s try it.”
• “I’d like to try a no-goals cuddle time where we’re naked in bed, holding each other, with no assumption that it has to lead to sex. If it does, we’ll enjoy it. But if it doesn’t, we’ll still enjoy holding each other.”
If you can’t have this kind of conversation on your own successfully, please enlist the help of an age-positive, sex-positive couples’ counselor or a sex therapist. The future of your relationship may depend on it.
What to do instead of waiting to be in the mood
(excerpted from “Getting Your Mojo Back” in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50:
How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life)
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to approach our sexuality in this new way: Relax, start getting physically aroused, emotional arousal will happen, and voila, we’ll be in the mood. So the key is to commit to regular sex, partnered or solo. How does this translate to real life?
Here are some tips:
• Schedule sex dates with your partner and/or with yourself.
• Create rituals with your partner that signal sex would be welcome.
• Allow plenty of time for warm up.
• Make sex a habit. The more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.
Final word
“You may have just saved my marriage,” a woman told me after I explained responsive desire at a presentation. Incorporate this into your sex life — you may feel the same!
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This article originally appeared as part of Lion’s Den Senior Sex Month, July 2022, at https://www.lionsden.com/blog/when-desire-changes.
“Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” thoughts from a senior perspective
I am so happy that “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” exists! This film portrays older-age sexual yearning, curiosity, shame, and nervousness accurately and beautifully. The film stars Emma Thompson, age 62, as a widow/retired religious education teacher who has never had an orgasm, and Daryl McCormack, age 29, as the sex worker she hires 
for a bucket list of missed sexual opportunities.
I’m 78, and I never expected to see a film with such tender authenticity about a senior woman wanting to explore her sexual pleasure with a gentle, respectful, vulnerable, and gorgeous male sex worker.
Is she ageist because she wants a young man?
I read objections from several of you on social media who saw this as ageist. I don’t see it that way. She had sex with only one man in her life: her husband, whose idea of sex was get on, get in, get off, go to sleep. She wants transactional sex with a man who prioritizes her pleasure, who will serve her without his own agenda, and whose youthful appearance will turn her on.
In my view, this “pilot light lover” (to adopt Gail Sheehy’s phrase) is just the beginning of her sexual awakening. I picture her after the film ends, going forward with confidence to meet men of her age who, she will discover, delight in giving pleasure to their partner.
Let’s address what many people are asking: did Emma Thompson need to bare it all to make the point that she finally accepts her body?
I love that she does this. It’s startling to see her naked, staring in the mirror, no longer confined by a pencil skirt or draped in a negligee. She is unapologetically adorned with her natural wrinkles and loose skin. I loved that. I found her beautiful.
No, she didn’t have to do it, but how it amplifies the message of overcoming shame and reclaiming her body! I applaud her and director Sophie Hyde for this decision. (Personally, I would have appreciated seeing more of Leo, too, just saying.)
I know I’ll have more to say about this film, but I’ll stop here to invite your comments. Let’s keep this discussion going.
Learn more:
“Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” is available only on Hulu. Subscribe for a month for less than the cost of a movie ticket.
I look forward to reading your comments.
How Do You End A Relationship?
I wrote this post 6 years ago, in 2016. I’d like to submit this question again, hoping to ignite a discussion. Please post your comments, and include your age. Thanks!
If you’re dating (or trying to date), I’d like your input:
Let’s say you met someone, either through online dating or some other way. It seemed to have potential as you started to spend time together and get to know each other, but soon you realized it wasn’t going to work out.
Which of these do you do?
- Say something like “I’m sorry, but I don’t see us as a match,” with a kind explanation.
- Say something like “I’m sorry, but I don’t see us as a match,” but with no explanation.
- Give an explanation that you know will hurt, but will definitely end things.
- Give the true reason you want to end it.
- Make up an excuse, e.g. decided to get back with an ex, or not ready to date again, or …?
- “Ghost” or “fade away”: you say nothing but don’t get in touch or respond when the other person contacts you.
- Other? (Please explain.)
Now switch roles:
If you’ve been on the receiving end of any of the above, which one(s) left you feeling okay? Awful? If rejection has to happen, how do you want to be rejected?
Do your answers change in any way if you and this new person have been sexual?
Please comment, and although you don’t need to give your real name (please choose something other than “Anonymous”), please include your real age. I’d like to contrast the views of our over-50, -60, -70 age group with those younger.
I look forward to your comments!
2022 update:
Do you need some help navigating the dating scene as a senior? View my webinar, “How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?”
“How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?” a 90-minute webinar by Joan Price
I’m also happy to bring this interactive workshop to your group as a live virtual presentation. Contact me!
Mini Magic Wand Review
Do you love your Magic Wand, but you wish for a smaller, lighter, yet still powerful version? Or do you wish your clitoris could experience the Magic Wand that everyone raves about, but the size of the original is daunting? Welcome to the new Magic Wand Mini Cordless Rechargeable Vibrator from Betty’s Toy Box. You’ll get the same quality and most of the power at half the weight.
But is it small? It’s not small. When I think “mini,” I mean toys that are small enough to toss in a purse or stuff into the toe of a sock that’s going into my suitcase, like the We-Vibe Touch or Tango or the Hot Octopuss DiGiT: palm-sized or
smaller. This isn’t that! However, compared to the regular Magic Wand, it’s mini. To compare:
Magic Wand Rechargeable: 13 inches long, weighs 1 pound 5.1 ounces, handle diameter 1.9 inches.
Mini Magic Wand: 9.5 inches long, weighs 9.7 ounces, handle diameter 1.5 inches.
What about power?
Yes, it’s strong, though not as strong as the bigger models. The Mini Magic Wand has 3 power settings, vs. the Magic Wand Rechargeable’s 4 power settings and 4 patterns. The Mini has plenty of power for most of us – including me, and I need strong vibrations. However, the second and third settings are higher-pitched (buzzier) than the bigger model. If rumbly vibes work best for you or you need the power of the highest setting, you’ll probably want to stay with the larger wand. If you usually stay within the first settings of the Magic Wand and your clitoris does not demand rumbly, this will be a great choice for you.
Controls are intuitive: press the power button, then press “+” for more intensity and “-” for lower intensity. Controls are easy to see and use without reading glasses.
Other attributes
The head of the Mini is body-safe silicone, with a little cushioning that can make all the difference when you’re pressing it to your clitoris. The neck is flexible, so that you can get the best position for your wrist. At our age, we have to think about these things.
The head is much smaller than that of the Magic Wand Rechargeable, which has its pros and cons. Pro: it doesn’t take up so much room (vulvar real estate, I could call it) if you’re also inserting fingers, a penis, or a dildo into your vagina while you use the Mini on your clitoris. Con: if you like more vulvar coverage to stimulate the internal clitoris, you might prefer the larger version.
The slimmer handle is as much a bonus as the lighter weight. It’s much easier for my small, arthritic hand to hold, letting me forget about the logistics and just enjoy the sensation.
Like the larger Magic Wands, it’s noisy. Close the door, turn up the music, send your family members to the movies.
I was delighted to find a full-sized user manual in the box, with clear, large black print on white pages. Thank you, Vibratex (and shame on all the sex toy companies that send tiny guides with light lettering on a colored background, impossible to read). But do we really need 5 full pages of warnings plus additional warnings on almost every page? I can’t even count the number of “Do not…” and “Never…” Sure, we want to know what not to do, but let’s not scare people away from using pleasure tools. Vibrators are not high-risk products. What if every restaurant menu contained 5 pages of what could happen if we choked on our food, ate enough to make us vomit, or scooped it up from the floor?
I was surprised that the Mini did not come with a storage bag.
Caveats
- Do not use while plugged in. Plug it in only for charging, and do not leave it plugged in for more than 4 hours.
- Use only water-based lubricant.
- Use for no more than 20 minutes to prevent overheating. (Don’t worry, you won’t need 20 minutes!)
- Clean the head carefully after use without submerging in water. It’s not waterproof.
- For external use only.
Thank you, Betty’s Toy Box, for sending me the Magic Wand Mini Cordless Rechargeable Vibrator in return for an honest review.
For 10% off your purchase, use coupon code JOAN10