Posts by Joan Price
Notes from the Penile Colony: Guy Talk about Vibrators by Shamus MacDuff
Note from Joan: Shamus MacDuff is the pseudonym of a 75-year-old retired university professor and author. Other than his name, he promises that everything he says about himself is true. His first guest post, “Great Sex Without Penetration: A Man’s View,” attracted so many readers and such positive response that when he offers additional posts, I quickly agree.
In the locker room at my gym, I overheard a 40-something guy complain to his buddy that his girlfriend insisted on using “a damned vibrator” that, in his view, kept “getting in the way of real sex.” I was tempted to interrupt and share a different story. I assert that more guys need to learn about the joys of sex toys, especially vibrators.
While a few vibra
tors are targeted specifically to provide stimulus and response to penises, a great many more kinds of sex toys exist. Most of these are designed especially (but not exclusively!) for clitorises and vaginas. It’s time to examine what these toys have to offer to penis owners, and to help guys like the fellow at my gym break out of the “penile colony” and begin to enjoy the myriad pleasures of a variety of sex toys.
For starters, most women cannot orgasm through penetrative vaginal sex alone, requiring arousal and stimulation of the clitoris. Vibrators are designed to provide exactly that stimulation, and it’s little wonder that women find them so desirable. If your partner loves her vibrator, that does not mean she doesn’t also love your touch. Rather, it indicates that she’s found the perfect combination of a partner and a vibrator to bring her to orgasm. Guys are not in competition with vibrators—they are our accomplices in giving joy and pleasure to our partners, a fact that the fellow in my gym had yet to understand. But there’s much more to this than meets the eye (or the clitoris), so let’s explore further.
It happens that vibrators work wonderfully on our male parts, too. During partner sex (of whatever form it takes), encourage your partner to apply her vibrator to your frenulum, your perineum, your nipples, or any other “turn on” spots that give you a happy buzz. A happy buzz is just what vibrators provide, often in a variety of patterns and speeds. You are sure to find several that will bring you to ecstasy more quickly than you thought possible. Once you do, you’ll then be vying with your partner for who gets “first dibs” on using the vibrator of choice. The fun and games during your partnered sex will be greatly enhanced for you both!
Give ‘em a try—you won’t be disappointed!
My partner introduced me to several delightful vibrators, and now these toys have also become a great addition to my solo sex practice. While the ones designed specifically for penises are very effective, I have found that many others, produced originally with vulvas in mind, are hugely satisfying during masturbation. Playing with vibrators almost certainly will convince you that they are our friends—true orgasm enhancement tools for guys as well as gals.
That conversation I overheard at my gym saddens me, because the speaker was clearly a prisoner of “the penile colony”—a believer that the only real sex is penis-in-vagina (PIV), with an unfortunate primary focus on his own pleasure rather than on increasing hers. Vibrators offer fun and innovative ways to break out of that unhappy mental prison, allowing us guys to recognize and experience the full panoply of delights that sex toys can provide to penises as well as clitorises.
[Read other posts by Shamus MacDuff here.]
Best of 2018 Sex Toy Round-Up
So what if gift-giving celebrations have ended. It’s always a holiday when you bring new sex toys into the world of your sexual pleasure, partnered or solo. Here are my favorites of 2018, with links to the reviews so you can learn more. Happy New Year, and may you enjoy many vibrations in 2019.
* Fun Factory Sex Toys: The fabulous folks at Fun Factory sent me a box of toys, and I review them all here. My three favorites: Volta, one of the most versatile and pleasurable external vibrators ever; Patchy Paul, a slim penetrative vibrator; and Cobra Libre II, a vibrator that my penis-owning reviewer loved. Notice the 10% discount code at the bottom of the review!
* We-Vibe Touch. The We-Vibe Touch has become my favorite travel vibrator. It’s tiny, weighs almost nothing, yet it’s powerful and versatile, and the design is so smart. See why I love to pack it in my carry-on suitcase.
* Le Wand Petite. Sleek and ergonomic, this lightweight wand delivers surprisingly powerful vibrations while weighing less than 8 ounces. Not the strength of a Magic Wand, but if you don’t need that intensity, it’s terrific.
* Pocket Pulse. A smaller, modified version of the Pulse “guybrator” from Hot Octopuss that my 74-year-old penis-owning reviewer likes even better than the bigger, more expensive models. We love the Pulse because an erection is not required for use or receiving full pleasure.
* Atom Plus. This vibrating cock ring from Hot Octopuss surrounds penis and scrotum and helps keep erections strong while also stimulating the perineum, that nerve-dense area between the genitals and the anus. My reviewer describes his happy experience.
* We-Vibe Discover Gift Box. The gift that keeps on giving has 10 individually boxed items from vibrators to blindfolds. Follow me as I open each box and describe its contents.
The original reviews I’ve linked to in this round-up also include links to order from retailers that I endorse who support my mission to educate about senior sex. These are retailers who care about our sexual health as well as our sexual pleasure, and they stand for our right to remain sexual beings lifelong. Please support them, because they support us.
You don’t have to stick to the newest 2018 sex toys for your trips to paradise. Do check out older sex toy reviews on this blog. (Keep scrolling down, then click “older posts” when you reach the bottom — there are 135 reviews at the time of this writing!)
For a visual tour and hands-on (not genitals-on) demos of the favorites in this photo, view my webinar, Sex Toys for Seniors. My newsletter subscribers get special prices to view my recorded 90-minute webinars, so please subscribe here so you don’t miss any news or special offers.
Perfect Strangers by Dorothy Freed
Dorothy Freed‘s Perfect Strangers: A Memoir of the Swinging Seventies is both one woman’s personal story and the story of an era: the mid-1970s in San Francisco. Freed divorces a husband who cheated on her with her best friend and called her a “frigid bitch” because she didn’t have vaginal orgasms. She goes on to explore her sexuality with whomever she chooses during 4 years of self-described “wanton promiscuity.” She has plenty of sex with plenty of men, yes. But orgasms? Not so easy.
Whether you had a wild side in the 1970s, or you still do, or you didn’t, but wonder what that was like, Freed’s memoir is honest and insightful. She navigates not only hook-ups, but her sense of self as she searches to define her sexuality in her own way — not what her era taught or her ex-husband demanded.
Now 73, Freed looks back at this time of her life with candor and the perspective of a woman who gained much life wisdom and self-knowledge (and many orgasms) since that time. I asked Dorothy a few questions:
JP: What made you want to put this memoir into the world at this point, 40 years later?
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| Dorothy Freed then |
Later, when I examined how much I’d learned about myself in that four year span of time, I realized my story was a memoir of the swinging ’70s, with historical significance, and one that needed to be shared with a larger audience.JP: What message do you want people of our age, particularly, to get from your memoir?DF: My message is to look back on the ’70s as an era of unprecedented personal freedom, a time before AIDS colored our sexual world-view in dark hues.
By the end of the memoir, my erotic behavior changed, but not because of fear of disease. I changed it because I saw no future in it. What was missing from my life was love and affection from a male partner. To achieve that, I needed to back away from my casual sex lifestyle, and focus on earning my living by making and selling my artwork — and being open to the possibility of meeting a suitable man.
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| Dorothy Freed now |
JP: Any advice to people of our age about exploring their sexuality, whether or not they did it the way you did?
DF: If there’s still a spark alive inside you, reach out to embrace the adventure.
JP: Do you have any regrets?
DF: No, I don’t. Events unfolded as they should. The path I chose was right for me.
“Sex after 65” in the news
How would you interpret the question, “Are you currently sexually active?” if a researcher asked you. (Please answer by posting a comment.)
Do people have sex after 60? How about after 65?
I’m often complaining that little is known about our age group’s sexual behavior and beliefs because no one asks us. So I was delighted to learn that researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 1,002 people between 65 and 80 about their sex lives as part of the National Poll on Healthy Aging 2018. The report, titled “Sex after 65. Health, gender differences, and lack of communication,” was released on May 3, 2018.
Here are some of the findings:
- 40 percent of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active.
- 54 percent of those with a partner are sexually active.
- Nearly 2/3 of older adults say they’re interested in sex.
- More than 50% say sex is important to their quality of life.
- 73 percent said they are satisfied with their current sex life.
- 18 percent of older men and 3 percent of older women say they’ve taken medications or supplements to improve sexual function in the past two years.
- Only 17 percent of older adults said they have talked with their doctor or other health care provider about sexual health in the past two years.
- Those between the ages of 65 and 70 were nearly twice as likely as those in their late 70s to be sexually active.
- 50% of men but just 12 percent of women aged 65 to 80 said they were extremely or very interested in sex.
As I read this, I kept asking myself how they defined sex or sexually active or sex lives. Did sex with a vibrator, a partner’s hand or mouth, or one’s own hand count as sexually active or having a sex life? (I say yes.) I asked Erica Solway, Ph.D., co-associate director of the poll, who told me,
We did not define sex because we wanted the response to be based on the individual’s definition of what constitutes sex (or their sex life or being sexually active) from their own perspective. We felt this was important, but it does mean that we do not have information on what activities people were referring to when they reported they were or were not sexually active. It’s possible that two people engaged in the same activities may have responded to the questions differently based on their personal definition.
I agree that our own definition of what constitutes sex is important in a study like this — I applaud this, in fact. But I would have liked that clearer in the poll questions. For example, “Are you currently sexually active?” could have been worded, “Do you engage in sexual activity?” That may sound almost the same, but I have a hunch that many people would interpret the first question as “Do you have sex with a partner?” and the second as “Do you have sex, either with a partner or with yourself?” Asking the question differently would have raised the percentage of people who answered yes to that question, seems to me.
What do you think, readers? Am I off base? How would you interpret the question, “Are you currently sexually active?” (Please answer in the comments section.)
The wording of the questions is a minor quibble, though, because I understand that the poll was multiple-choice, not essay questions, and answered online, not via an interview. In the end, I’m happy that someone’s asking.
This report was all over the news. Here are some of the headlines:
- CNN: “Seniors, new poll says, are still sexy after all these years“
- USA Today: “Seniors and sex: Many adults ages 65-80 are having sex (and most are pretty satisfied)“
- US News: “Study: Many Adults Ages 65 to 80 Continue to Be Sexually Active“
- The Guardian: “Sex a key part of life for people over 65, study says“
- Bustle: “The Sex Lives Of People Over 65 Are Thriving, Study Finds, So There’s Finally Something to Look Forward To“
As glad as I was to see this study in the news, I couldn’t help wondering why the [younger] public is so surprised that we seniors have sex on our minds and in our beds. Why would we give up something so pleasurable? Do they expect that on some predetermined birthday, we’ll just say, “Sex? Been there, done that, moving on. Now help me blow out all these candles.”
Thank you, University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation, for conducting the study, and AARP and Michigan Medicine, U-M’s academic medical center, for sponsoring it. Let’s keep talking.